path of redemption

chapter fifty seven.

-Estella romano.

I use to watch from the doorway as ash got ready. I use to watch her all the time. I took note of the small details. How her lip curled up when she was done putting concealer onto her face. Or how her eyes sparkled more when the mascarra brought out her honey eyes. I use to watch her with envy. She took hours apon hours to hide her face beneath all of that makeup. Its true what they say isn't it? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

If you weren't born with it , money would do wonders...

Putting endless heaps of products onto your face when you know later that you'd likely almost die of an allergic reaction. Starving yourself , to find a more prominent waist. Adding leather onto your soft delicate skin which was once pure but is now...very ...very hard.

I was never one who wanted to show off their legs in the skimpiest outfits. Or put on makeup to make myself look like a perfectly dressed up barbie doll. Or mingle. Or even go out on a...date.

I actually wish i had asked then for ash for advice for future reference. How to act. What to wear. What to say. Do i laugh? Do i thank him? Or do i just skip the foreplay and let him have me. I wish i knew what was to happen. I've never been out with a guy. Never held hands . Never held intimate eye - contact for atleast 30 seconds. Have the perfect french kiss on the front porch of my house under the sparkling stars.

No i didn't infact have that. I had two friends. Who have never been out with guys. Not in a "oh i wanna buy you flowers and take you to watch the notebook with me" the "lets fuck and pretend we don't know each other the next day". I was running out of options. Atleast they helped me with outfit wise. Oh who am i kidding . I picked my outfit out. I chose something plain and simple. A black bodycon dress that didn't even reach my knees. Totally out of my comfort zone. But i added some black stockings , which made me feel a bit better about the wardrobe choice. And lastly my denim jacket with some black boots of mine.

I put my hair into some curls. With some lipgloss and mascarra. A tinge of sadness hit me when i saw my bandaged wrists. I was seconds away from dying. The amount of guilt i feel is overwhelming. I didn't think who would miss me , or what would people do if i were gone. Who'd occupy the back seat in every classroom? Who'd return aprils books to the library everytime. Who'd help lia cover her scars ? Who'd eat my brothers pancakes? Who'd be the aunt of the little baby my sister is carrying...

Guilt

All of it. Coursing through my veins. Making my heart rate speed up as i push my hands into my hair for the hundredth time since standing infront of this huge mirror. My fingers itched for something. Anything. Anything i deserved. I bit the inside of my cheek. Hard enough to let blood seep through. Thats it. Pain. I needed it. I needed to feel pain.

A loud knock on the door has me jolting out of my assault. I blink as i wipe my clammy hands down my dress. I clear my throat as i go to open the door. My eyebrows raise apon seeing albert standing there. I gesture for him to come in. I close the door behind him as he takes a seat in the corner of the room.

"How are you feeling dear? I hope the room is comfortable for you? I know its not the same as your room back at home" he gave me a small smile. Apparently i couldn't go back home until i was ready to fully speak about things. Its only been a day since I've woken up. Manny is still MIA . Zaid is right in the room ontop of this one. While lia monitors me from the dining room. I hated this. Everyone was walking on eggshells around me. Acting like i was something explosive. Ready to burst. I hated it.

"Im fine , the room is great. Thank you" the room was great. I would say i slept like a baby. But thats all thanks to zaid and his muscles.

He nods "You look nice dear , im sure zaid will be happy to see you" he said as he gave me a tiny wink , the corner of my mouth tugged up into a smile. I know what albert was doing. Trying to speak. Which all i wanted to do was speak.