Touhou - Impure Dreams about a Strange Land

Heartache (Patchouli's POV)

(While Nobuyuki is doing his best to handle Flandre after being pushed into a tea party with her thanks to Sakuya, Patchouli has an ordeal of her own. It's been several months since she had to forcibly cut her connection to Koakuma. After an entire century redirecting almost everything to her familiar, now the witch has to deal with things that go beyond her books, spells and alchemy she easily dominated in her prime. She has to deal with herself.)

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I don't know how they do it. I seriously don't know how everyone can live with themselves this way. How am I supposed to go every day like this? Maybe I should ask him next time...

Ugh, how annoying and exasperating! Just thinking how pathetic I'm acting right now... Damn it, damn it...!

I thought dealing with my inner turmoil would be a lot easier. I'm the master of knowledge in this mansion, it should be easy for me to neatly dissect and deal with everything plaguing my mind! But I can't, no matter how hard I try.

It would be foolish to try and deny how enjoyable everything feels now. The food tastes better, my books feel deeper and rich, and teaching someone else the ways of magic makes me feel... proud. And don't let me get started on how joyful I feel whenever I spend time with Meiling and Nobuyuki. Even Sakuya's company makes me feel so comfortable. I just... need to control myself when Remi arrives, but I'm dying to hug her and have tea with her.

But nothing can be so pleasant. Not without its drawbacks.

Sometimes nonsense makes me laugh, for way too long. Being alone feels agonizing and terrible. How in the world was I able to spend so much time in my library by myself? Koakuma was there, but merely kept for herself whenever she wasn't trying to prank someone or harass me.

The worst part of all, is how self conscious I became with my body. I can't stop looking at myself in the mirror. Why am I wasting so much time trying to look nice and cute?! Seriously though, my wardrobe needs some changes. Maybe Sakuya can lend me a hand to freshen up my clothes a bit.

But also, I understand why that blasted demon went out of control. Deep inside my core, I feel a constant aching. It doesn't exactly hurt but... it is embarrassing and frustrating. I'm no stranger to those kinds of things. Read about it quite a few times, thanks to a certain assistant that has a penchant for collecting... less than decent literature. In fact, I believe she left her books out in the open for me to find them. I couldn't care less back then, but now...

It is mortifying. I never had to indulge in such basic needs before. What am I supposed to do to stop it? If I don't do anything, my frustration starts piling up and I can't concentrate properly on what I am doing. Is this normal? Or maybe it is just an entire century worth of pent up... carnal needs, I guess.

How terribly annoying... I know for a fact humans are like this, but what about other youkai like myself? But I can't go around asking these types of questions out of the blue. The mere idea is enough to almost kill me with embarrassment.

Still, I have to admit something. As annoying as all that is, it pales in comparison to how I've been feeling lately. I can't stop thinking about her. That puppeteer... I can't properly put it into words, but, whenever I think about her, my smile won't go away, and my stomach feels ticklish. But it doesn't last long. Wherever Alice is, so is Marisa, and those two feel like a married couple to me. And a painful void inside my chest replaces all those warm feelings.

I know I asked Nobuyuki about a human loving a youkai, but I guess I tried to convince myself that it wasn't possible. I could see it when Remi couldn't stop moping around about that shrine maiden months ago. It is not outside the realm of possibility that Marisa and Alice might share a bond like that...

I can't believe that damned witch bested me once again! But no, no no no no no, I shouldn't give up just yet. If holding Nobuyuki's hand feels so wonderful, being like this with Alice... I can't give up.