I Need Help But I Don't Care (Kel Angst)

Chapter 17

Aubrey
Things have been tough for awhile now. I mean, sure my closest friend/older sister died.  But even before then I struggled in this cruel world. My dad left when I was little, and my mom has been depressed since. Of course it not an excuse for the neglect, but I can't help but feel sympathy towards her. But I always had Mari. Well... until she left. I always thought suicide was selfish. I never understood it. Even now, I never understood how someone could want to leave the world. It may be cruel but not everything in it is. So even now, after seeing suicide first hand twice. I still don't understand why someone would want to leave. Mari already left us. Why would Kel leave us too?

I'm laying in his bed at his house, since we all decided to sleep there. Sleepovers are no fun without Kel. He's been put in to a mental health facility. I hope he's actually letting them help him. I hope he gets better. Basil is asleep next to me. I look over to the clock. 1:53am. Awesome. I'm definitely skipping school tomorrow. I'll probably have to force Basil to as well. I wonder if this is how Kel has been spending all his nights. Not being able to sleep because of thoughts. Probably, considering those eye bags. I feel my eyelids slowly get heavy as I drift into a dreamless sleep.

Basil
I wake up to the smell of breakfast. I feel absolutely horrible. I feel so disgusting, I want to rip my skin off. This is all my fault. The reason Kel is so depressed is because of Mari. He thinks it's his fault that Mari died. He thinks Mari killed herself because of him. That is far from the truth. I killed Mari. Well, kinda. Sunny pushed on accident and I had to protect him. I had to be sure he didn't go to jail. But nonetheless, this is my fault. I get up from the bed Aubrey and I were laying on. I make sure to cover her in the blanket before leaving to room and walking into the kitchen.

As I walk into the kitchen I hear that the radio is playing some music. Some old song from the 80s that I didn't know. Hero seemed to be down. Honestly I would be more worried if he wasn't. It's been a long few weeks. I think Hero is finally starting to heal from them. I believe the fact that Kel is getting help is comforting to him. I make my presence know so I don't startle him. "Good morning, Hero" I greet him before asking. "Where are your parents?"
"There both at work." He says with a sad look in his eye.
"Everything will be alright, Kel will be alright." I reassured him.
"I know."

Kel
I've been in this stupid place for one night, and I'm already sick of it. This place is so annoying. I can't get away with anything. I know that's the point, but i don't care. My arms are almost fully healed. I'm still in scrubs Hero should be dropping off my clothes soon. I was lucky I am an 28AA cup. Not that I even wear bras. I'm not going to mention how I manage to hide them for embarrassing reasons. I can have any visitors for the next couple of days. The said so that I can 'get used to the environment'. I just want to die. I'm supposed to be here for a week. But that's only if I improve, they said. I'm in the girls unit, sadly. I don't mind because the girls seem nicer than the boys unit. It's breakfast time so we are in the lounge area waiting for our food. The unit is kinda like a house in a sense. The lounge area had comfortable chairs and and a couch. And there is a picnic type table made of metal behind the sitting area. There was a window for some people to watch us and us to get our medication. There was always at least two techs with us at all time to quite literally mark every move we make every 15 minutes. Leading out of the lounge was a hallway with a bathroom and some rooms that were based off of age.

I haven't said a word since I've been here. I don't plan on making any friends. There are around six girls here. I figure out there names from them talking to each other. The oldest is 17, her name is Madeline. She has straight long blonde hair with bright blue eyes. She looks like one of those stereotypical popular white girls from school. The girl talking to her name was Charlie. I think she's 16. She has shoulder length dark brown curly hair with green eyes. She had tan skin and freckles across her face. Sitting on the floor was the rest of the girls. Darcy was mentioned to be 16. She had a little above shoulder length straight brown hair with brown eyes. She had pale skin with a beauty mark under one of her eyes. To the left of her was Lexi, she had curly ginger hair and brown eyes with tan skin. I think I heard that her and Darcy are the same age. Next to Lexi was Macy, she had short straight blonde hair that was under shoulder length. She had hazel colored eyes. Lastly, we have A'miyah she was said to be 14 she has curly black hair with a pink streak in it with brown eyes and dark skin. The techs here seem ok, some nicer than others.

The girl named Darcy came up to me with a smile, oh shit. "Hello! Im Darcy, you don't have to feel scared here we are all going through stuff!" She said ecstatically?
"Um..ok thanks." I replied looking at the metal table I was sitting at.
"No problem, what's your name?" She asked with a smile.
"Uh, it's Kelsey." I answer still not looking at her. "But I go by Kel..." I add quieter.
"Okay sounds good to me, Kel!" She says not questioning why.

As the day goes on more people try to talk to me but I only really talk when talked to. As it gets to afternoon group therapy I start to get overwhelming nervous. I'm sitting at the metal table while everyone else was at the chairs and couch. I felt my breathing slowly get faster as my head became more clouded. No, not here in front of all these people. I couldn't embarrass myself like that. Usually when I freak out I'm able to cut or leave the room. But now it's more difficult. So I did the next best thing and dug my nails into my palm. This seemed to help me control my breathing better but I was still really anxious. I started to feel that weird feeling again. Like I was watching myself. Like I wasn't in my body. I didn't notice that I was causing a small puddle of blood under the table. I guess someone noticed because I think I feel someone next to me. I hear them speak but I don't understand. I feel a hand on my back. My mind is foggy. I don't even know what day it is. This isn't the first time this has happened. This has been happening since I was twelve. So around two years.

"Kelse....old..re.....you..." a voice said. I feel something cold and wet in my hand. "Focus....it..." the voice tells me. So I try to focus on the cold object in my hand. It was making my hand numb. Then I realize I feel pressure on my back. I start to feel more in control and I breathe in heavily. Now that I'm in control I start feel more panicked. My chess feels constricted and it's harder to breath. "Kelsey breathe." The voice demands. I try and fail to. Tears start to run down my face and I grip my scalp out of frustration. I feel gentle hand grab mine and put them on there chest. "Kelsey, followed my breathing" they directed. The start breathing in a way that's easy to follow. I try to breathe in but choked. So I try again, but this time it was easier.

After awhile I was calmer, so I look up to see that the mysterious voice was a tech. "Hello Kelsey, how are you feeling?" She asks. I just study her for a second. She has blonde curly hair in a bun with some pieces falling in her face. She had square glasses and brown eyes. She had dark skin that look soft. I Look down a my wet had and see the tiniest piece of ice. "Umm..." I don't know how to respond my brain and mouth are matching up quite yet.
"It's ok, take your time to process." She reassures.
"I..uh..feel better..I think.." I respond unsure. I honestly don't know how I feel at the moment. "I am Ms. Mc'Kenzie, but you can call me Kenzie if your more comfortable."
I remember my mom says to always be respectful so I think I'm going to go with the safe option, Ms. Kenzie. "Would you like to talk about what happened?" Ms. Kenzie asks. I Look down. "It's nothing to be ashamed of, but you don't have to tell me." She pauses. "Do you want to join the group therapy?" I nod despite not wanting to.

She leads me out of the girls unit and into the therapy building. We walk into the group room and I feel seven eyes on me. They had different kind of chairs all around this room with this lady with short dirty blonde hair and brown eyes in the front. Everyone was sitting in a chair listening to her. "Oh! Hello there, you must be the new person!" I nod. "Well why don't you have a seat, anywhere you like!" She says with a smile. I sit in the bean bag at the back. "My name is Mrs. Williams! Do you think you could introduce yourself to the group?" She asks. I nod. "Um. I'm Kelsey or Kel. I'm 14 years old." I say looking at my had that I just noticed was bandaged. "Well Kel, we were just talking about what happened for us to be in here, would you like to share?" She asks leaving room for a decision. I don't want to, but I know I have to participate in order to leave. "I..Uhh.. I overdosed and had self harm problems.." I admit. She still smiles. "Thank you for sharing, Kel!" and from there I space out until it's over.

After group we eat dinner and take showers then we head to bed. I don't have a room mates because the rooms have age ranges of, 12-14, 14-16, and 16-18 depending on when you were born. I the night techs came and obviously they sit in the hall, but I had one next to my door. She says that all new patients go through this for the first two nights but they said I'm 'high risk' so I have to be watched for at least four nights, or until I improve. From then I swear to never cry again and only show improvements so I can leave this place.