Uplifted by you

23

Now

I smiled sadly, as the memory of Christian's proposal filled my mind and then I sighed deeply as I remembered what I was planning to do. There, sitting on my palm tormenting me, was the pack of pills. I stared long and hard at it.

Was I really about to do this again, after everything?

I thought I was finally strong enough not to go down that road. Why couldn't I seem to overshadow the power that threatened to pull me back into abyss I had fought so hard to get out from?

Why did I feel I was on top of the world one day and with Christian by my side no star was out of reach for me, only to fall apart the next day?

I found myself taking a step forward and two steps back and that included missing out on two therapy sessions. I had come up with excuses each time she called to find out. She knew I was holding back. I didn't know why I had stopped so abruptly too. I thought I was doing fine.

You don't have to do this? Don't crawl into that hole. Think about Christian
A voice in my head advised.

You will never be ready, never be good enough for him. Another countered.

I shut my eyes and in one quick movement popped a pill into my mouth and placed the pack on the dresser. I forcefully swallowed it without the glass of water I had brought in to take it with earlier.

You are my greatest passion

I adore you Dora

Oh Christian...

My light in the dark. My biggest inspiration. He deserved so much more and I wanted to be that for him. To give up this fear within that wouldn't let me give my all to him.

Couldn't I be this and more with him by my side?

These were clearly visible in his actions towards me more times than I could count, ever since I met him. I wanted to make him happy but why couldn't I?

As those words ran through my mind, I ran into the bathroom. I hovered above the toilet and with two fingers deep down my throat, I forced myself to hurl it out. Relieved washed over me as I eventually saw the pill.

I did it!

I actually pushed through with it. It didn't feel like much to an onlooker, if present here, but it was a great and bold step I took. It proved that I could do this, be better for Christian. His love has helped me thus far, now I just had to push myself harder.

I felt different knowing I actually pushed through with this. It was a decision I should have made a long time ago.

To not cower in fear, to not let my history haunt me and deprive me and the man I love wholeheartedly true happiness.

I won't give you that luxury even in your death.

I heard a knock on the bathroom door "Baby you okay in there? I thought I heard you retching"

Christian? He left a few minutes ago. Did he forget something? "I'm fine. I'll be right out. I thought you left already"

"Yeah but I forgot a file needed for the deposition. Yeah there it is"

I stopped rinsing my mouth midway as I recalled. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

Oh no

I did see the file and it was right next to the pack of pills that I left beside a glass of water. My legs moved with utmost urgency as I rushed into our bedroom hoping he hadn't seen them. I was too late.