Soothe My Heart

8. The Hard Revelation

Bela has her lifes hardest truth infront of her eyes, the truth her gut has always told her, the truth that her inner-self screamed everytime she was with Sid, the truth she tried to turn back against. She thought not accepting it would not manifest it, Sid would change, its just her overthinking and many other excuses.  None helped, she tried to play loud music, distract herself watching TV but nothing helped, the voices from inside doesn't stop. Everything just screamed at her the same thing, "Sid was never the good guy, you don't deserve him. You don't deserve the toxicity. You don't deserve the low effort or the unnecessary aggression..." and it went on.

Tears she shred during the weekend couldn't be counted nor controlled. She tried to read something or just scroll on socials, suddenly a quote appeared on her feed that read, "I cried so much during our separation that I have no tears left for any other agony in my life." she paused for a second but her tears didn't as her mind thought, how are my tears ever going to be exhausted. Why do I feel have I have an infinite supply of these. Aaah it hurts too much. Why did he do this again, he knows very well how much I hate being alone, is he doing this on purpose? Are these voices right? I should have said yes maybe, we could have spoken at home about the proposal later. Why did I do it. Should I call him? Maybe I'll call his friends. Or maybe no, what if he is on his way back?.. and a thousand such thoughts ad tears kept her busy all day. 

"Aki should help, let me talk to her." Bela thinks to herself and calls Akiran, Akiran doesn't lift the call, she texts later that day saying, "out on a family emergency Bela, will talk later!"

Meanwhile Bela's mind says, Lifes tough, you have to deal with things alone sometimes, you can't always have an external super her saving you Bela. You have to do it yourself. This your story. Was he really worth all the pain? Think for yourself, would you take the low efforts, no love only sex partner for a life time, what if he becomes abusive, what if he beats you up like in the Darlings movie? And your family, do you think they'd support you if you marry this jobless, ethic-less dude. You are giving up your family for this dude who runs away everytime you ask for efforts? Bela! You worked so hard on yourself to ruin it in the service of a careless ignorant man who doesn't once think of your opinions or feelings. 

Its 3 AM in the midnight and she still couldn't sleep with all these mixed thoughts. She gets up and brings a paper, a pen and starts to write. Its a habit of hers, whenever he brain makes noises she writes everything that bothers her and finally decides on a thing. She should have done this earlier but she somehow knew the decision she has to make, now she realizes she can't run from it and starts the writing the thing. It goes like this, 

|Situation | What is in my control | What is outside my control | What can I do to make it better |

As she fills the table, she realizes, "My love, feelings and expectations are in my control. I can limit them and I can control them. His love, feelings and efforts are outside my control, I can influence them but only he can act on them, he would have done things if he wanted to, that means he clearly doesn't want me enough or he thinks I am easy." she sighs and tears shred on the paper, she knew it all along but saying it out and writing it gave her a feeling which one experiences when a nail is been pierced into ones heart. She swallows air inside her closed mouth, it felt like she is swallowing the truth she wrote on the paper. 

After two minutes of no action and zoning off, she writes on the paper at the What can I do to make it better column, "Let him go! Its time to live with yourself Bela." 

Sometimes we prefer to say with people not because we love them, because we hate being alone. Bela did the same thing, she hated going through life alone, taking decisions alone, she was scared that she would mess-up, and if she did do something wrong there would be no one to protect or cover up for her. She thought having someone by your side just makes life better, she never planned any trips alone, even her future plan includes her best friend, boyfriend and family. She barely does anything alone and if she does something alone, she makes it look miserable. 

But now Bela knows no matter how much she tried to love herself, she could only love her from others validation. She never loved her, she loved Akiran's best friend, her parents loyal and successful daughter, her boss's perfect employee and her toxic boyfriends toy. It was a hard realization, but she finally made her mind complete the thought. She understood that there's a part of her that needs acceptance and change. She makes her decision that she's going to do exactly that. The moment she finishes the thought, a big yawn with sudden sleep hits her and she dozes of in her bed with the pen and paper on her laps, it was as if her brain shut-down once the task is done. 

The next day Bela seems extra energetic at work, everyone looks amazed by her behavior. Someone tries to ask her, "Miss. Bela, you don't have to act you're okay. You can be yourself."

Bela replies saying, "Oh! Mr. Sharma thanks for your kind words, I am more than happy after he left. I wish I could reveal more about it, but its not professional so lets end it here. I'm good, thanks again."

At the end of the day, Rivaan reaches Belas apartment with flowers, chocolates and a envelope. Bela allows him in and after a little ice-breaking talk and updates, Bela reveals everything that happened and her decision to him. Rivaan leans forward hands over the envelope and says, "Let's get out of here for sometime, you have seen a lot. You need a vacation and lots of love. *hands over the envelope* Here, tickets to Italy for a week. Let me show you how it feels like to be loved the right way Miss. Bela" in a very pleasing deep tone. 

Bela could feel his breaths and tensed pulse, Bela smiles with a very little curve on her lips, she hugs him and says, "Mr. Rivaan, I need sometime, I have a few things to work on. I don't urge you to wait for me. But I am not ready for this yet, certainly not now." She observes Rivaan moving away from her and she continues, "Ba-but, I would need a vacation I'll take it." Rivaan hands the tickets to her. After another hour of chit-chat he leaves saying, "I'll wait!"