ASCENDANCY (Feyd-Rautha)

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

My lust for Feyd-Rautha was becoming all-consuming. In many ways, it was my greatest weakness, my fatal flaw. I could not fathom it. After so many years spent cultivating a complete self-reliance, here was a man who now plagued my every thought, casting a shadow over my once clear judgement. This poison made my devotion to the Bene Gesserit, and the political scheming associated, majorly corrupt. My actions, once driven solely by strategy and ambition, were now tainted with this strange lust. Dare I even call it a form of love? These pathetic emotions made me convinced I had lost some part of my self. Until now, I had believed that I was the flame, and he the moth, but now I was starting to think it may be the other way around. Was the babe in my belly affecting my mind? Or was there perhaps a whore hiding somewhere in me, that had previously gone undiscovered?

I had desires akin to having a pointy rock stuck your shoe. You can walk with it for a while, deeming it annoying, but bearable. Now, I had carried the rock for so long, it had started to dig into my skin, making me slowly bleed. It was early in the morning when I decided I could not bear it any further, I needed a release.

"I know you prefer solitude, but that will not do if we are to accomplish our mission." I said to Feyd. He was seated alone in the gardens, having a cup of black coffee in the morning sun. There was, as usual, no food on the circular table in front of him. I appreciated that particular contrast between him and his gluttonous uncle. The Baron revelled in indulgence, often stuffing his mouth with food in front of others, using it as a tactic to assert dominance. Feyd, however, seemed rather private about his eating. In a way, it made him appear like less of a Harkonnen.

Feyd glanced up at me, his gaze cold and unyielding. "I do not see how my presence at another frivolous breakfast will help our mission," He said curtly, taking a deliberate sip from his coffee. "These nobles play dress-up like insufferable children. They disgust me."

"Perhaps," I conceded, seating myself in the chair opposite him. I leaned on the small table that stood between us, attempting to get closer to him. "But those gatherings are the lifeblood to this place. We need information, which we can only obtain through attending." I continued. I hid my need to be close to him under a guise of a strategical meeting.

He narrowed his eyes at my words, irritation evident on his features. "I have no patience for their pretence. Their false smiles and hallow words are beneath me." He said, his voice rough and edged with disdain. He set his cup down on the glass table with a sharp clink.

"Everything is beneath you, the proud Feyd-Rautha," I said, my voice dripping with mockery. "You will get nowhere in this world without making sacrifices. Do you think dull, polite prattle is beneath you? Then you might as well just return to Giedi Prime, for that dull prattle is our only way to gain their favour." I spoke harshly to him, actively trying to pierce his pride and make him feel foolish. It felt good to belittle him, like I was reclaiming some of the power he wielded over me.

Feyd sighed deeply, his initial anger giving away to a rare moment of resignation. "Fine," He said, seeming tired. "Was there anything else?" His words were a clear dismissal, an indication that he wanted me to leave him in peace. 

Desperate to avoid being alone with my thoughts once more, I sought to continue the conversation.

"The poor," I said, grasping at the first topic that came to mind. "I have been thinking about the poor." I tried to infuse my voice with confidence, though his scepticism was palpable. I was only partly lying. In truth, the revelries in the palace felt nauseating knowing people were starving in the streets not far from here.

"The poor?" He asked, seeming unconvinced. "Why do you care? Do you wish to parade around their villages, handing out bread?" He spoke sarcastically.

"I have already told you, I have a thing for the weak," I said, my voice steadying. "And besides, I feel ill if I do not care in some way." I spoke truth.