MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

THE JOURNEY OF ZAMA DLALA

CHAPTER SEVEN

Standing by door with a huge smile on my face. My mother is finally home. My father drives in with his old van, making noise for the entire neighborhood. I hate this van of his. But at least it's useful in so many ways. Just like today. I feel like jumping up and down. My palms are clasped together, and I'm waiting anxiously.
"You look stupid." My father teases. This madala is happy because his wife is back home.
"I know."
He takes my mother out of the car and places her on the wheelchair. My mother looks at me and smiles, opening her arms. Did I not jump right at her almost falling.
"Be careful." She softly says.
"Mama." I am happy she is finally back home talking and safe. I look at my father, and I see his eyes glister. Man! This nigger loves his woman.
"Kade ngikulindile." I let go and wheel her inside. MaNzama is walking as fast as she can with her hands on her head. I wonder how she knows that my mum will be back today. I'm sure my father didn't tell her. I seem to forget. My father’s car is the answer.
"I will get the rest of the things in the car." My father says.
MaNzama panting her last breath. I wonder why she decided to race downhill. Khona manje, she will be complaining of her knees and her back. I get her a glass of water.
"Awu mntanami." He grabs the glass of water from my hands and gulps the water down.
"I almost lost my last breath." I take the glass and return it to the kitchen. She is fussing over my mother. I decided to let them bond and prepare my mother for a comfortable place to rest.

She has bathed and eaten. I don't know why MaNzama thought it’s best if she bathed my mother. As much as I wanted to bond with her, I had to sacrifice my time for this other woman to be sharing all the gossip of this township. I felt robbed. The woman I call my mother was entertained. The gossip church was even worse. Now she is sleeping, and I'm just staring at her. She betrayed me, and I’m not forgiving her.
"She's not going anywhere." My father says. I know She's not. But I want to tell her my own gossip. She needs to wake up. I have a lot to share.
"This is not fair. MaNzama took the spotlight, and now my mother is asleep." I sigh. I feel emotional.
"You still have a lot of those days ahead of you. Embrace whatever memories you guys have."
He is right. Creating memories is more important than me sulking over an old woman who missed her friend.
I leave their bedroom. I pass by the kitchen to have a glass of water. I'll tidy up in the morning. I'm tired either way. I throw myself on the bed and sigh. I last spoke to Mthoko this morning. Two missed calls and tons of messages with a lot of sad emoji’s. Such a big cry, baby. I type then delete. I feel like talking to him. I miss him. He picks up on the first ring.
"Are you okay? Do you have any idea how worried I was!" Why is he shouting.
"I'm sorry. My mother was discharged from the hospital and..."
"Holy shit! Does she also love KFC?" He asks, making me laugh. I've been doing a lot of laughing lately. Stand-up comedians should consider adding me in the act.
"But I know she loves chicken." I say, making him groan. I laugh louder.
"Can I see you. I'm outside the gate."
"What!" I stand up and peep through the window.
"Are you crazy? It’s at night."
"Yes, crazy about you. Just for a few minutes. Please." I sigh and put my slippers on. He is making me sneak around? Of course he is!
I lock my bedroom door from the inside just in case my father decides to invade my space. I slowly open the window and jump out. Not me running up the road for dear life.
"Ha bbe. Ugijima kanje musuya ebafaneni."
"Fuck you." I pant. My knees are shaky. And the stupid fool is laughing at me. I swear this is the last time I’m risking my life like this. He doesn’t appreciate.
"I swear. I'm never jumping out of the window for you." I sulk. Does he understand the measures I went through just to be with him! He holds my waist and looks down on me. His breathe hitting my face.
"I'm sorry. I just missed you."
I missed him too, so bad. But he is here now, right. I wrap my arms around neck and just melt. Not me smiling like a ratchet.
This is an incompatibility, the time we have together is the right amount for me but not enough for him, or maybe we need more intense connection to be happy. But I am happy. Not just happy but extremely happy. Honestly, this is still a very new relationship. He makes me feel good about myself most of the time. I'm watching him telling me stories of all lies. He should be a story teller or a comedian. If that is within the same vocabulary. His good at this. I've been laughing my lungs out since I got her. I'm just admiring him. His handsome in his own way. He notices my stare and stops talking.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" He asks.
"Can't I admire the man of my dreams?"
He sorts. I think I caught him off guard.
"Man of your dreams, huh?" He keeps quite.
"No one has ever claimed me before."
That's a good one. My stomach hurts.
"If admiring my man is claiming him, then I don't mind doing it over and over again."
He comes close and perks on my lips. We stay in comfortable silence. Something has taken over. His sudden heaviness is weighing me down.
"What's wrong?" He takes a deep breath. His eyes are watery.
"I have to tell you something." He takes my hand and holds it firm.
"Are you breaking up with me?"
Another deep breath!
"I have a past. A past I don't like talking about."
"Okay..." I'm confused. Everyone has a past. Dark or not dark. I just pray that his side is not on the dark side.
"A past that is not pleasant."
Okay now I'm more confused.
"I once slept with someone without their consent."
I am shocked.
"You raped someone?" I half shout. I didn't mean to but the news shocked me. If he raped someone. What am I?
"No. I don't know what happened. We were in a party. We got drunk and the next thing we woke up naked. The girl claimed that I raped her. I agreed cause we did sleep together but I can't contest whether we truly did sleep together." He tells me. This is crazy.
"Okay. Let me get this straight. You were in a party. You guys got drunk. You woke up the next day and found yourselves naked?"
"Yes."
"Where was everyone when all of this happened?"
"I don't know. I was too drunk I don't remember anything. But yah."
I don't know how to feel.
"Were you not arrested?" I hate asking all of these questions but I hate to.
"The charges were dropped cause there was not sufficiency."
I nod my head. Maybe noticeably did happen.
"That's not only that."
Habe! I can't take any more of the news.
"Just out with it." I'm Impatient.
“I killed my best friend by accident and if I had reported it, the authorities will think I did it”.
I feel hot. My nipples are itchy. He has to be joking. There's no way in God's name I can associate myself with a murder! I'm now not buying the rape case. He raped her and now blaming it on alcohol.
"Are you hearing yourself! You just said you did! They don’t have to ‘think’ anything. You should of course reported it!! Tell them it was by accident. I’m not sure how ‘accidentally’ kill someone means." I’m shouting. He keeps quite and doesn't respond. He keeps popping his knuckles upsetting me even more. I'm more heartbroken to be honest.
"Ah, I cannot be sympathetic with you brother. You should have been careful. But don't think about killing yourself, that would be another act of cowardice." My throat hurts from shouting. I try opening the door but it's locked.
"Open the door."
I say through my greeted teeth. I don't want to be here any longer.
"What more do you have in that chest of yours?" I poke his chest multiple times. He holds my hand gently and kisses it. He stares so deeply into my eyes. I'm scared of this look but I put my brave face on.
"A lot. I've always wanted to tell someone. Someone I trusted. And it's you, whom I trust. If I die now I'll die in piece."
I don't know why I'm crying. I should be hating him. I hold him tight. I want him close to me. With my head on his chest, I feel so confident complete. Hearing his heartbeat calms me.
"When did all of this happen?" I ask.
"I was still in high school. I was rebellious. I did drugs. Arrested for possession. It's a lot. But I don't miss that life. I've changed for the best." He tells me. He sounds so sincere.
"The shooting. When did it happen?" I hear him exhale.
"Few months back. We were fight over a gun. Trying to prove a point who is the best shooter than another." He chucks
"That guy was so cocky that he believed in himself so much that he thought he farted strawberries. He came home and he told me that he wants us to go to the fields. Where we normally shoot birds just for fun. That's were we fought over the gun cause we both wanted to prove each other that one is better than another. I watched him take his last breath. And he had that smile on his face when he died. I was so lost that I didn't know what to do. I went home leaving him there and reported at home. I was told to be silent of which I did cause I though it was the right thing to do. But now each time passing. I wish I have told his parents. Gave them closure of what happened cause no one was arrested due to lack of evidence. I lost so many friends and family that life had no value. They all suspected cause he was last seen with me. But I had to keep denying. That’s why my family moved this side." As much as this hurts I do not wish this on any parent. Imagine burying your own child.
"I miss him everyday. I want to have a word with him and tell him how sorry I am."
I tilt My head and look at him.
"Where was he buried?" I ask.
"Eshowe."
"If you know where he was buried then you can go to his grave." I encourage him. It was an honest mistake. Yes, he has done some things in the past. Things that are not pleasant but he wants to own up onto his mistakes.
"I can't go alone." He says.
"I can tag along if you want me to." I offer. He gently removes my head off his chest.
"Would you really do that for me?" Why is he sounding emotional? I feel my forehead getting wet. He must not dare cry on me! He holds me so tight and I let him be. After some time he offers to take me home. I agree, it's very late now.  I don’t even want to check the time. I need to go home before my father walks around the house. The lights are off. When I left they were on. It must have been my father.
"I'll see you tomorrow." We hug.
Great the gate is locked. I look at Mthoko for a backup plan.
"Is there another gate." He asks. Really? This is not the back up plan I want!
"No."
"Jump the gate." Is he crazy.
"Mthoko, uyahlanya?"
"Babe. There is no other way. Unless you have a plan." Arguing outside my father's gate will not solve any problems. It would rather cause more problems. The fence is so high. I feel like crying.
"Climb. I'll push you."
I trust him. I throw my hands into the fence and got several nice gashes across the palms of my hands.
"Ouch!"
"Sorry. Just be careful."
He is pushing me up but I am failing to hold on.
"Come Zama." He shouldn't shout my name at night especially if we are doing something sinister. I don't know how I fell. But I landed so painfully that I think I broke my hip.
"Shit!. Are you okay?" I can't respond. My hip is aching so bad. I forcefully stand up and leave him standing. My phone is still with me. Tears are burning. I'm really hurt.
My window is slightly closed. It must be the wind. I get in and throw myself on the bed. My phone rings. It's him.
"Are you okay? I'm still standing outside."
What! No! No! No! He should leave.
"Mthoko. My father might see you. Are you crazy!"
"About you? Yes. I'm not moving until you tell me that you are fine."
I sigh. This man is so stubborn.
"I'm fine. I just want to sleep." Luckily, he let's me sleep.

_

_

_

It's morning and I'm prepared for the journey. I think I needed this. I need to tell my fried how I feel.
"I hope you are not up to no good." My father says. I decide to not pay any attention.
"I'm talking to you." He gently pushes me off. He is starting an unnecessary fights and I am not in a good mood for it.
"I'm going to Njabulo's grave. Someone told me that I wanted to heal and forgive myself. I should ask for forgiveness. Even if it means handing myself in of which I'm prepared to do." I say making my father choke. He can't be shocked. I'm sure this is what he wanted. I am giving him what he wanted.
"You can't hand yourself in." He says holding his chest.
"I have no choice Baba. To make you okay I'll have to own up for my sins. The next door girl. I knocked her by mistake and she is no more. Making matters worse I am dating her friend which I'm very much inlove with. I told her every detail of my past but I failed to tell her that I killed her friend. Before I hand myself over. I need to do this for myself and for you." I close my eyes. My heart is aching. As much as I love Zama. She will have to forgive me on this one. I leave my father standing with a shocked expression on his face. I don’t know why he is shocked. He always wanted me to go to jail.
Zama is ready and already waiting for me. Eshowe is far but the distance is bearable.
"I could live here. It's peaceful and quite." She says scanning her eyes around.
"I miss it too."
No lies to that. I enjoyed my days here but it all had to come to an end because of a stupid mistake. Passed by the garage for a few snacks. I noticed that she is limping. It must be the landing from last night. I bought her painkillers. We are almost there. The lady is already sleeping. I don't know why woman like sleeping when we drive long distances. I snap a few pictures of her. This will be a reminder. My reminder. I don't know what the future holds.

The cemetery is here. I park my car out the gate and wake Zama up.
"We are here." She takes time to register our surroundings. She smiles.
"Ready when you are." We step out of the car. I feels my knees weaken. This is a place I thought I'd never set foot again. After burying my friend, I swore to never return. I stand infront of my friends grave then squat. Zama is standing. I remove a few leaves off his grave.
"Nja yami. My heart is filled with regret and remorse for the pain I have caused your family. The pain I have caused you. Please accept my sincerest apologies for my thoughtless actions and the hurt they have inflicted upon your family. I am deeply aware of the pain and disappointment I have caused you, and I want you to know that I feel an immense sense of guilt and regret for my behaviour. I am ready to take full responsibility for my actions, and I understand the consequences of my decision." I stand up and place the flowers on top of his grave. They say men don't cry. But I can't stop crying. I robbed my fried a life to live.

Driving back home, I haven't uttered a word. I'm driving with a lot of thoughts running through my head. I will drop Zama off first then do the right thing. She's staring at me. I briefly smile.
"You okay?" She asks.
"I will be fine." Maybe after sometime. I'm far from being okay.
"Sometimes, it isn't that we have given up on them. It's just that it was time for them to go. I understand when it feels like you could have done so much more, but maybe they left so that you would have space for more love to give to another furry friend. You couldn't have known what else would have happened. Maybe they could have lived longer, but maybe not. This doesn't make it better, but I hope your healing continues and that you can find the strength to forgive yourself and be proud of the wonderful memories you had and the wonderful life you provided for Njabulo."
"Thank you." I guess I needed that. Wise words and words of comfort.