MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

THE JOURNEY OF ZAMA DLALA

CHAPTER TWENTY  

I am on my way home. The more I question my choices the more I believe that and assure myself that there is something wrong with this head of mine. I stopped midway. I need to do an introspection from self with. I clap once and chuck in shock. Is this the path that I really want to take for myself? My parents will kill me. I will be dead before I can be even utter such nonsense. I keep making up decisions that my father will have valid reasons to hate me for.  
“Me?” I question my sense of response. I didn't think I had it in me. I will be marrying a man that is stuck in prison, and I do not have any regrets or fear. If this is how God had envisioned my life to be in my carrier's womb – then so be it. I arrive home and I find my parents sitting on one couch. The tension is still there, thick as hell. I take a deep breath. I greet them and quickly walk past them, but my father is quick to call my name out before I could even disappear from the passage. I freeze. And just right then, I can feel the food I ate minutes ago coming up. I swallow hard and almost choke on absolutely nothing. I prefer to stand just in case my father has something up his sleeves. I am afraid of this man even more.  
“Sit down.” he sternly says. My knees shaken. I have seen him angry – but not to this extent.  
“I... I will stand.” I stutter out of fear. I feel much safer if I am standing. I count my steps with my head towards the door. I am ready to run or my life.  
“You see how she is already disrespecting me. Ngoba nakhu usumfazi usuyangimela!” He shouts. I take steps back. My father has never been this upset with me. I feel tears threating to come out.  
“Don't you dare shed those crocodile tears in my house!” He stands. This is the time for me to run for my life, but I am standing there all frozen.  
“Kahke ngolaka baba...” My mother tries to chirp in but one deadly glare from my father, my mother shuts up instantly. All my hopes have been shattered. She is the only one who knows her husband. The woman has failed me. I wish I could just scream my lungs out. I look at the door again – the thought of running and never coming back crosses my mind.  
"Is this how I raised you to be? Is this how you have envisioned your life? Falling pregnant and being a teen mum?” He takes a deep break. I can see his eyes glistering with tears. I am beyond pain. I never meant for all of this to happen. He hates me – I can see it in his eyes.  How do I make the situation better?
"I am so disappointed in your actions. I expected better and a lot from you.” He further adds.  
"He asked me to marry him." I softly say. My father looks deeply at me for split seconds. I can see the disappointment showering repeatedly. I take steps back and play with my fingers. It wasn't my intention to be a bad girl.  
"Marry you, you say?” He snorts and shakes his head. "You can barely even take care of yourself. How will you manage a household?” I am offended right now. I can do a lot. I took good care of my mother and held this house down! I wish I could tell him right to his face – but that will be me adding more fuel to the fire.  
"I will not be seeing him often.” I add. I look at my mother and her eyes are all out. She shakes her head no, signaling for me to not say anything further. I decided to do as told. My mother knows best. I keep my mouth shut and let my father grill me. I will take his hurtful words no matter what. I feel like my life is becoming a thriller movie day by day. Everything is just rumbling up. I don't know what is happening with my life honestly.  
"You know what. Do you. Do everything your way. Vele, it has already started.” He leaves me standing.  I take time to release the breath I have been holding in. I throw myself next to my mum and let it all out.  
"Shh. It's okay. Your father will come around. He is just disappointed that his baby girl's dreams have been ruined. No parent wants to see their child's dream being shattered. He is a proud father who wanted his daughters' dreams to flourish. I am also hurt but I must solider on and push you to be a better person. What is done – is one Zama. Wena just try to do the right things. It's never too late." She brushes my back in the most comfortable way.  
"I am so sorry Mah.” I continue to cry. I wish I could change the situation at hand.  
"This is not the time to cry but the time to show your father how remorseful you are. Prove to him that you can do better with the situation you landed yourself in. Do not let this pregnancy fail you.” I guess I needed that. I take a deep breath. I feel slightly okay – but not okay fully. It will get better in time, I guess. I need to talk to her about this.  
"Mthoko asked me to marry him.”
She takes a deep breath and briefly shuts her eyes. "Your life is getting complicated each second. I am getting confused too. How will he pull it off when he is in jail?” That is a valid question.
"I don't know. But what I know is, I want him and only him.” That is the truth though. I do not see myself with another man in my life.  
"You are willing to tie yourself down this road?”
"I feel like I am doing the right thing."
"Shembe.” She slowly stands up and leaves me seated. I know my decisions are questionable, but this is what I want and what my heart desires.