MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

THE JOURNEY OF ZAMA DLALA

CHAPTER NINE

I didn't sleep at all. I've been tossing and turning throughout the night with a broken hurt. Mthokozisi literally did the unthinkable. I had no other choice but to cross night. I waited all night to be morning. I had to see him. I need him to tell me that all of this is a joke. Part of me is hoping that this is not true at all. I was not allowed to see him since he is still under police custody. I decided to camp out the police station. I'm not going anywhere until they let me see him. I'll cause a scene if I have to. I've been here since eight in the morning. It's close to ten now.
"You still here?" Some lady cop asks. She can see me. I don't understand why she's asking me.
"Surprise." I say waving my hands in the air. These benches are no fun. My bums are numb. I'm irritated to be honest. She sighs. I know that sigh.  It comes with pros and cons.
"I shouldn't be doing this." She says. Are my ears deceiving me. I stand up.
"It's two minutes that I ask for. Please." I can even go down on my knees if I have to.
"Two minutes. That's all I give you. Follow me." She says. I take a deep breath. Suddenly I'm emotional. I follow her behind with every other cop looking at us. I wish I could fart in their faces and ask who’s the biggest fool now.
"Two minutes." She reminds me before walking away. There he is sitting on the floor with his head buried on his knees.
"Mthoko." I call out for his name. He slowly lifts his head and I see shock on his face. He stands up and comes towards the steel gate.
"Babe." My voice is shaky.
"Sthandwa Sami." His voice is barely audioable.
"Why?" I ask. He closes his eyes sharply taking a long deep breath then open them.
"It's the guilt. I couldn't live with it anymore. Your friend..." he keeps quite. I see his eyes getting watery.
"I couldn't bare looking at you breaking down. You have no friend because of me. I have to pay for my sins." He tells me. As much as I understand and reasoning with him. I still need him. Yes, he killed my friend. But that was a mistake anyone can make. I'm not going to talk about the past mistakes that happened before he even met me. That doesn't count in my books. I should be hating him but my heart say otherwise. Maybe if he hadn't said any word I would hated him beyond words can explain. It’s better hearing from the horses mouth. Not that it makes any difference it’s the trust and honesty. I'm here pleading with him to let all of this go.
"What about us. I still need you?" My tears seem to be a lot lately. I think crying has become a hobby. I think I now enjoy crying.
"I love you. God knows I do but..."
"But what Mthoko. I need you!" I half shout. I need to knock some sense into him. He reaches out for my hand through the gate. I hold him back.
"I don't want you to hold on. Live your life to the fullest. I want you to find happiness. Move on if you need to. I don't want to be the reason holding you back." This is stupid. He is crazy.
"You can’t make me fall in love with you than dump me Mthoko. I want more of those KFC's." He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand. I don't want anyone else but him!
"I'm sorry." He holds my cheek wiping the tears. He is also a crying mess.
"I love you. I love you." He keeps repeating those words over and over again. I love him too, more than words can describe. “Tell me how to unlove you?”
"Take care of yourself. You live in me." He can't do me like this. I fail to breath. Someone clears their throat. It's the cop that brought me here.
"Sisi. You two minute is up." I can see some sympathetic her. She did a lot for me. I nod my head stepping aside. Beside her is Mthokozisi's parents.
"Ow mntanami." His mother crying painfully. I start to cry all over again. I decide to step outside and give them privacy. His car is here. Why did I not recognize it earlier? After some time I see his parents walk out. His mother is warn out and looks broken. I am hurt on her behalf. This matter is just complicated. I sigh standing up. I need to get home.
"We can give you a lift." His mother offers. I'm shocked. Since when does she offer hostility? I am reluctant but I need the lift. I get in their car. She's the one driving and her husband is driving Mthokozisi's car. The more I look at his car fresh tears come out running.
"For how long have you known my son?" She asks so focused on the road. She’s not even glancing at me.
"Just a couple of months." I respond taking a deep breath. She keeps quite of which I prefer so much. I direct her to my home and she drops me off. I stand outside the gate collecting myself. I'm failing to understand my life right now. I just want to fall on my mother's chest. The house is quite as usual. I know she is in her bedroom. I let myself in and she watching cartoons. That's a first. She is laughing through. I sit beside her with a long face. She turns the volume down.
"Nana. Are you okay?" How can I be okay! I just cry. She pulls me to lay on her chest. That's all I wanted.
"Shhhh." She brushes my hair. That's soothing. It's calming me down.
"What's wrong? What happened?" I chuck. She's asking me the same question in different versions. I have to open up to her tell her what's happening and how I feel. Pouring my heart out to her has never been a heavy thing. She is a good listener and gives the best advises ever. She keeps quite a second.
"Do you love this boy?" She asks. I feel myself melting.
"I do Mama." I honestly do.
"What does your heart wants?" What does my heart want? I look at her in confusion. I repeat the question in my head over and over again until it sinked in.
"I want to forgive him and get married to him." I say. The possibilities of that is none.
"Then it will happen if you believe." That's not the answer I want. How will it happen When this man handed himself over? Infact, I don't see that happening.
"What happens if he gets life time? What then?" My hiccups are hitting after another.
"If it was meant to be then, it was meant to be. The Lord always has a way mntanami. As much as his character paints him bad but probably deep down he has a good human in him. The fact that he handed himself over says a lot about him." My mother says. She is right, I shall wait on the positive side.
"Do you still use isiwasho that Mnguni gave us?" She switches the conversation. I swallow in fear. The crying is no more there but replaced by fear.
"I..."
"No excuses. Do you understand if you do not use that you will have issues. Or shall I say everything will go wrong." Her eyebrows are snapped. I feel my heart drumming rapidly. I lost focus when my mother was sick. All I wanted was for my mother to be well so that they can go back to normal.
"I'm sorry." I say.
"Do you at least pray for some light?"
What light?
"What light mah?"
She sighs.
"Zama Dlala! I want you start praying for your life. Pray for some light to be shown. Do you still have those dreams?"
"Yes, I still do." She shakes her head.
"This is not good." Now I'm more than scared. What does she mean?
"I'll call Mnguni."
She is mad. That is my queue to live. I don't want to upset her more than she already is.