Shadows into Light

Questioned By A Friend.

I'm unsure.
I know I don't fear it.
I guess when I stand there.
I just think of all the lives I've saved.
It wouldn't be fair to them.
Nor to you.
Because I had saved your life too Micheal.
" yea i remember
it also wouldn't be fair to yourself "
It's like winning a war.
While staring at the dead bodies while looking back at those who are injured.
The dead bodies resembled pain. Trauma. Loss. Broken bonds. Broken ends.
Those I've lost.
Countless things I've lost.
My knees wish to stand out on the battle ground and to be lit and painted by the same bullets that created my scars in the first place.
But mentally I know I tell my body no.
Mentally I envision someone who needs to carry on despite what they can or cannot handle.
Anchored.

anchors resembling profound pain 

pain that delves deeper as i look around.

All eyes on me.
Mentally I need to heal those who have been injured.
Even if it's me
Who carries all thy wounds.
My complex soul is layered by additional suffering.
Who am I, if I don't.
My body and my heart may want death.
But my mind and soul volunteer against it.
When I hold the knife to my neck.
It's a reminder for all those I've saved.
I can't move the blade.
It's only a motionless act.
A reaction from the body.
Only to be stopped by my brain.
If one day I kill myself.
Do not follow along.
If it ever came to the decision i killed myself.
My body acted quicker than my mind could have reacted.
But my soul will linger for eons to come along.
I'll never step aside from you.
In case my mind and heart stops working.
My soul will keep all the memories encrypted.
Until I find u again.
My mind and heart may be temporary.
But my soul is immortal.
But that time is nowhere near soon
So don't worry Michael
I'll still be here when u wake up
Thank u for letting me express myself
My dear friend.