until the end of time | seungjoo

:𝔱𝔴𝔢𝔩𝔳𝔢:

"Don't you think that you've been coughing less frequently lately?" Jooyeon asked one evening when the two of them were sitting under the duvet with a large amount of sweets that they managed to save over time. Today, they both craved sugar so much that they decided to eat as much as possible.

"Why? I'm not sure." Seungmin titled his head slightly left and reached out for a strawberry flavoured lollipop (his favourite).

"I don't know," Jooyeon shrugged, sighing quietly and falling silent for a few more seconds. "I can't remember the last time I had to pat your back to make you stop coughing like crazy."

Seungmin also couldn't recall it. It's been a lot of days since that. Maybe a month? Or more than that.

He didn't remember the last time, and even now sitting next to him, he didn't feel like coughing (yet attacks often came unannounced, very sudden). It was as if he got rid of the thing inside of him that tingled his throat with a feather. Felt relieving, if he were to be honest.

"But you know what, that's good." Jooyeon went on, leaning his head to rest it on his friend's arm as if it was the most comfortable cushion in the whole world. Lying there, close to Seungmin, he always felt at ease. He always felt like everything around him disappeared and the only person in the world was Seungmin and his slow breathing. It felt comforting—strangely. "It means that you're getting better, and what's more, you'll probably see home soon."

"I know." Seungmin spouted through his shaking lips, it felt weird hearing that from Jooyeon. He didn't like the gentle tone of his voice and the way he couldn't even see his face.

"Oh, and remember when you told me about all these places?" He continued, looking everywhere but at Seungmin. He even closed his eyes, imagining everything there. "The lake, your favourite swing, and the paths you loved taking walks on?"

Seungmin remembered very well, so he only nodded his head, finding it hard to utter a single word, as if paralysed.

"We'll go there soon, you know?" Still only nodding, Seungmin allowed him to continue. "We'll meet there soon."

The sound of his voice; too gentle and too casual, as if what he was saying was another story about visiting Pluto together and starting a bar for everyone living there.

Seungmin did not like it at all. He bit his lower lip and tried his best to control his heartbeat, because it was getting increasingly fast as if every word uttered by Jooyeon was another ten beats per minute added. He felt like if it went on like that he would soon experience a painful heart attack.

"Why are you saying all that?" He snapped out quickly, and probably way too sharp to sound friendly to Jooyeon, but he got so stressed... he couldn't even get it why.

"You're getting well. I'm just happy it is the way it is."

It did not help Seungmin at all. It even made him feel suffocatingly hot... Every blow of air from the air conditioner felt like a heat wave, and every second spent on trying to answer Jooyeon felt like eternity.

"What?" He whispered eventually. Saying that it sounded like a question would be a big understatement. It sounded like begging, pleading... you name it. Seungmin simply wanted this conversation to end. Everything felt so wrong now. He knew that something was wrong, he just couldn't name it properly.

"Don't you think that you'll leave this place soon?" Jooyeon asked; still very calmly as if no emotion towered over his body. "You're all right now, I thought—"

"No." Seungmin choked out, his back straightening up, and the moment he looked back Jooyeon shuddered as he no longer felt Seungmin's arm under his head. "No. Stop saying anything. I don't want to hear anything about any of us leaving this place."

"But I thought you missed home." Jooyeon stammered very quietly, letting each syllable resound in the room with echo.

Or that was just how Seungmin felt now.

Things were wrong. His head was spinning, and he felt so distant as if he wasn't mentally in his body.

He felt weak both physically and mentally. Each part of his body pained, and blood throbbed in his ears.

"It doesn't matter now!" He hissed, shaking his head, hoping he would dispel the dark clouds of worry, but none of that happened, and the weird feeling—a hunch—stayed there, hanging above his head, not letting him see anything else except for that. "I don't want to talk about home or anything like that."

It was his first time raising his voice like that and he felt terrible for that. He hated the way his cheeks burned and the way Jooyeon's head was so low because of him.

He didn't want to be the reason behind his slumped shoulders, and his pretty eyes avoiding him, but he had no other choice.

Listening to Jooyeon talking about Seungmin having to leave soon sounded wrong... as if he was saying farewell.

It made him go crazy inside. It made him want to get up and scream at the top of his lungs and at the same time (probably even more than the strong urge to scream) cry.

The thing keeping him from doing that was the fact that he didn't want Jooyeon to know how his words felt like to Seungmin. And additionally, Seungmin couldn't be sure if this was what Jooyeon meant when preparing this talk in his head... he didn't even want to know.

He used to miss home so much, but now he couldn't even tell what was home to him anymore.