I opened the large bag of potato chips I found in the pantry.
It's late, so I decided not to travel back to the city; Martin wouldn't allow it anyway. I didn't want to insist on going home either because it would just lead to an argument, and I'm already tired.
After grabbing a can of soda from the fridge, I found myself humming a tune that didn't exist. I made myself comfortable on the large couch in his living room, hugging the bag of chips while flipping through TV channels.
Unable to decide what to watch, I logged into my account to check out some movies instead. I sniffed the plastic bag, which was so tempting, and took a few pieces. These chips are huge and definitely meant for sharing. I wouldn't finish them alone; good thing Martin and I are sharing.
I'm waiting for him to come downstairs; he's on a call regarding business with his estranged wife. I'd rather hang out here than listen to their conversation.
Just hearing her name on Martin's lips feels like acid dripping down my throat and chest. I hope they don't rekindle their old flame! I've chosen something to watch, but he's still not here.
It's understandable; business matters can take time, especially concerning money and wealth. But damn, I'm feeling paranoid.
Tanging pakunswelo ko sa aking sarili,
She was never loved by him.
I shouldn't dwell on it.
But no matter how hard I try to ignore it, it's hurting me terribly.
Despite all the love and affection he showers on me, they aren't assurances because he's married to someone else and I'm just his kept woman.
It's painful.
Kung dumating ang araw na malaya na siya, ang sa amin naman ang mapupuna.
I will always be reminded of the ugly truth.
Ang naging relasyong hindi dapat nabuo sa simula. Hindi ko maipapagmalaki iyon dahil mali.
Ginusto ko ito, ang daming kong naging pagkakataong kumalas habang maaga pa. Pero hindi ko ginawa dahil sa kasiyahang nadama ko na kailanman walang nakapag bigay.
I've taken several bites of chips before feeling the saltiness on my cheeks. I'm crying while watching a Disney movie.
The protagonists are in the midst of their happy ending dance, and I'm sitting here, sobbing over the truth of my life decisions.
Is the risk worth it?
Am I doing the right thing?
I don't even know why I'm so hurt right now. Unlike the past months, when I completely forgot about our real situation, tonight I feel extremely anxious, disappointed, and guilty.
Naghalo na ang aking emosyon, nahihirapan akong isa-isahin ang nadarama.
I'm so affected.
Nagseselos ako, sobrang nagseselos.
Ngunit ako'y walang karapatan na madama na iyon lalo na sa taong hindi ko naman pag-aari.
Just earlier, I boldly declared that no one could separate us, so why am I now having second thoughts? Why am I starting to feel sick, doubting every step I've taken? The plans I made now seem wrong to me.
Paano kung hindi pala kaming dalawa sa huli? Ako lang pala ang hadlang sa pag-aayos nilang dalawa.
Saan nalang ako pupulutin at lulugar?
Wala ng ibang tatanggap sa akin.
I can't rely on my family because none of them understand me. Kahit ang mga pinsan ko, we do communicate, but not deeply enough that I can consult them about my problems.
Tumayo ako, napag-isipang umuwi na lamang baka kung ano pa ang mga maisip ko habang naghihintay.
I quickly grabbed some car keys from the center table and snatched some kitchen napkins to dry my tears away.
Mas mababaliw ako kung mananatili pa ako rito ng matagal.
Most of the securities are not around; it's past midnight, so few of them were outside to patrol, but they're alert. That's why, when they heard the alarm, they stopped me when I snuck inside the Fortuner and immediately started the engine.
Bumusina ako sa ilan sa kanilang humaharang nang kinabig ko ang manubela pakanan upang makaalis na.
Martin's head security was signaling me to stop stepping on the accelerator, but I refused by driving towards them. Nagpulasan sila nang mapagtantong gagawin ko talaga, mananagasa ako makaalis lang.
When I'm nearing the remote gate, the only thing I want to do is run over it. The gate automatically opens when I hit the pedal and accelerate more.
Nagsimula ng magring ang phone ko habang mas bumibilis ang takbo ng sasakyan palayo sa rest house. They're chasing me; I saw his SUV's in the rear mirror.
I turn off my phone.
Nablanko ang utak ko sa pagmamadaling makalusot sa mga tauhan ni Martin.
Nakipagkarerahan ako, lumusot sa bawat sasakyang nakasabay. I avoided them before Martin would use his influence to gather his officials and have a checkpoint.
I lost them when I parked and turned off the engine. Saglit akong bumaba upang tanggalin ang tracker sa bandang itaas ng gulong, iyong hindi natatamaan.
Hanggang tumigil ako sa isang pribadong lupain. Malawak at maraming mga armadong bantay. Agad akong pinapasok ng makita ang plate number ng sasakyan.
They were speaking on the radio when I got out. One of them scorned me and sent me to the living room to wait for my cousin.
A few minutes pass, and Kuya Konstantin is in front of me.
"I'm crashing here tonight." Inunahan ko na siyang magsalita.
A man in his early thirties was wearing a pair of comfy royal blue silk pajamas. He has a beard on his face, looks so strict and well-built, and is hellishly handsome. Magkakrus ang magkabilang braso nito, maaring matutulog pa lamang siya at nagambala ko.
He gave me his cold stare.
"I need a place to sleep in. Wala akong ibang mapuntahan." Maybe I sounded lost, which is why his face softened.
He asked me what happened, and I couldn't tell him the truth. I just kept quiet!
Alangan namang mag open up ako, we blackmailed him to help us in exchange for the protection and safety of his children.
He mumbled something, and it's incoherent. Too low to catch. I'm waiting for his approval so I can know if I have to leave to find a place.
Yumuko ako, pinakatitigan ang bawat daliring nanginginig. I'm messed up.
Palagi nalang.
"Alright. Just this once, I'll let you sleep here." Tumango ako bilang pagsang ayon.
"Governor Hassan is on the line." Lumapit ang isang tauhan hawak ang isang wireless telephone.
Kuya Konstantin is questioning me through his eyes. Ang makapal nitong kilay ay nakataas nang pigilan ko siya sa pagsagot.
"Please don't tell him that I'm here." Halos ako na lang ang makarinig ng aking sinabi.
Strictness was very evident on his godly face when his jaw clenched upon hearing my plea.
"We'll talk later, Arsinoe. Wait me here." Matigas ang bawat bigkas kaya tahimik akong napaupo sa sala habang naiwan ang isang tauhan sa malayong gilid ng entrada.
Holding high-caliber firearms and guarding the door for any possible threats of attack.
As I sat in the living room, trying to compose myself, a small figure with curly red hair emerged from one of the rooms. It was Hezron, one of the sons of Kuya Konstantin. His eyes widened with surprise and joy as he recognized me.
"Tata Deia! You're here!" Hezron exclaimed, running towards me with chubby arms outstretched.
"Hezron, don't run." Kuya Konstantin said calmly, but Hezron couldn't contain his excitement. He wrapped his arms around my legs, his small frame almost toppling over.
Mabilis lang ang naging usapan nila, kaya aagad siyang nakabalik dito. Sinunod ba ni Kuya ang pinasasabi ko? Ayoko pang makita ang pagmumukha rito ni Martin.
I smiled warmly at him, gently patting his back. "How are you?" I asked softly.
Hezron looked up at me with his big, golden eyes, his face beaming. "I missed you, Tata." he said in a mix of English and Russian, one of the languages Kuya Konstantin had taught them.
"I missed you too, little Hezron." I replied, feeling a wave of warmth despite the turmoil inside me. His innocent affection was a comforting contrast to the chaos of my emotions.
Nang yumakap sa akin ang maliit nitong katawan, napawi ang pagkabalisa ng aking isipan at kalungkutang nadarama.
"Hezron, let go of Tata Deia; she couldn't breathe." Kuya Konstantin said, approaching us with a slight smile.
I crouched down to Hezron's level.
"I'll be staying here tonight." I told him gently. Hezron nodded enthusiastically.
Naiiyak ako, no one aside from Martin has done this to me. Iyong pakiramdam na gustong gusto kang makasama, hindi pilit dahil obligasyon o upang makabawi.
"Can we play dinosaurs with Ayalouh and Boaz?" he asked me eagerly.
Tumingin ako sa nakahalukipkip na nakakatandang pinsang lalaki. He nodded towards me, giving me permission.
"Of course." I said with a smile, ruffling his curly hair affectionately.
Hezron giggled.
"Okay! I'll tell Boaz now!" He exclaimed, darting back towards his room.
Kuya Konstantin watched his son with a fond smile before turning to me. "Please don't bring harm to them." He reminded me seriously.
"I'll keep my word, Kuya Konstantin." I said sincerely.
A beep sounds from the baby monitor.
"Daddy, Ayalouh is crying." A small voice echoed from the device.
Kuya Konstantin's expression changed while talking to his son.
"You'll sleep in their room." He said to me, stepping away to attend to his children. I took a deep breath, feeling a small sense of relief settle over me. Despite the uncertainty and guilt, being surrounded by family brought a brief moment of peace.
Pumasok kami sa kwarto ng mga anak niya, at roon ko narinig ang malakas na pagpalahaw na iyak ng isang sanggol. Boaz ran towards me. "Tata Deia!" He shouted, wearing his paw patrol pj's.
Dahan-dahang binuhat ni Kuya Konstantin ang babaeng sanggol na anak nitong si Ayalouh mula sa crib. My niece is crying so hard, giving small kicks, while her father is trying to calm her down by swaying her carefully and rocking her back to sleep.
"She bit my paw paw, Tata." Sumbong ni Boaz sa ginawa ng nakakababatang kapatid. I patted his soft hair; likewise, he got curly hair, and the difference about Boaz's hair is the length that reached his shoulder.
"Ayalouh didn't mean it." I carried him in my arms. Sinubukan kong ipaliwanag na hindi pa alam ng kapatid ang nagawa dahil baby pa. Nakikinig naman ang pamangkin ko sa aking mga sinasabi.
Nagpapabuhat sa akin si Hezron, hindi papaawat sa kambal nitong nasa aking bisig. They're twins, fraternal.
They're three years old, and Baby Ayalouh is five months old.
They came from the same mother, but Kuya Konstantin doesn't have a romantic relationship with their mother.
They're the treasures of Konstantin Becerril Salem. And on the mother side of my cousins, it's normal for the men of Becerril to raise a child without the presence of the mother.
Kuya Konstantin is patting the bum of baby Ayalouh softly. Ngunit sadyang mahirap mapatahan ang sanggol.
Lumapit ako sa kanilang pwesto.
"Can I try to put her to sleep?" Kung sa kambal nakakalapit ako, kay Ayalouh hindi.
My cousin is very protective of her.
It's very rare to have a girl in our family, on both sides.
He looked up at me, his expression a mix of hesitation and concern. "Are you sure? She's quite restless." He replied, gently swaying Ayalouh in his arms.
She's so pretty!
I nodded, reaching out tentatively. "Please, I'll be careful." I insisted, feeling a surge of determination to help in some way.
He then carefully passed Ayalouh to me. She immediately squirmed in my arms, her cries loud and piercing.
"Shh, Ayalouh, it's Tata Deia." I cooed in a soothing tone, trying to mimic Kuya Konstantin's comforting sways. I continued to rock Ayalouh back and forth.
Gradually, her cries softened.
"Have the sweetest dream, pretty Ayalouh." I murmured, feeling a sense of relief as she finally started to settle down.
Handing Ayalouh back to him gently. She stirred slightly, but remained asleep in his arms. Humalik naman ako sa noo at pisngi ng kambal bago ko ipatong ang makapal nilang kumot.
Rumagasa sa isipan ko habang karga ang aking pamangkin ang tunay at nais kung makamit.
What would it be like to feel a tiny life growing inside me? The idea had always seemed to be circulating around my mind, tangled in the complexities of my relationship with Martin.
Sensitibong usapin na hindi ko pwedeng maibalik kung may oras na ayokong mapanindigan.
How could I even consider bringing a child into this world, knowing the uncertain future that lay ahead? Yet, seeing Kuya Konstantin with his children and his love and dedication sparked a yearning I couldn't ignore.
What would it be like to experience the joy of motherhood—to have a child who would look up to me with the same adoration Boaz and Hezron had whenever their father paid attention to them?
Napakasaya sguro magkaroon ng anak, may makakasama ka, mayroon magmamahal sayo. Sasalubong pag-uwi at papawi sa bawat pagod. Anak na masasabi kong akin, walang kaagaw at mamahalin ng higit pa sa kaniyang ama.
I swear, I'll be a good mother.
But then reality crashed over me like lightning. How could I entertain such thoughts when my own life was messed up? The risks were too high, and the consequences were too severe.
"Arsinoe." he called gently, breaking the silence that had settled between us.
I looked up, startled. "Yes, Kuya?" I replied, trying to hide the turmoil of emotions swirling inside me.
He sat beside me; his presence was comforting yet unsettling all at once. "You have a soft spot for kid." He remarked.
I smiled weakly, unsure of how to respond. "Did I? I'm not sure myself." I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper.
His eyes were fixed on a picture frame of him and his children in a park having a picnic on a sunny day.
"Would you like to tell me why you'd run away from him? Dis oras na ng gabi, that governor will never let you drive without any of his men tailing you. Nakakapagtaka lang, Arsinoe." He said with a hint of amusement.
Should I say I drove away because I'm jealous, jealous, and guilty? Pagtatawanan ako nito panigurado.
"Well, I'm just testing him." Tumingin, umiling pa animong hindi naniniwala sa akin, kaya siya'y binigyan ko ng masakit na tingin.
Kagaya ko ay sumandal din ito sa upuan, magkrus muli ang braso. Bumalik ang kaderyosohan nito, kumpara kanina ay kontrolado ito sa harap ng mga pamangkin ko. He's scary if you don't know him well.
"Ah, Governor asked me if you're here, and I remembered you told me that I shouldn't tell him. Umiiyak ka raw sabi ng mga tauhan niya, at wala naman kayong pinag-awayan. So what's the problem, Arsinoe?" Bakit ba ayaw niyang maniwala na, I'm testing Martin's patience!!!
Umirap ako, nawala talaga ang pagiging malungkot ko. It irritates me now that he knows that I'm lying.
"Nothing." Ending any further questions he might throw.
Tumayo ako upang makapag paalam na ako'y magpapahinga na.
"It's not happiness if it's breaking you into pieces. Alam mo, huwag mo ng lokohin pa ang sarili mo. Hindi ka lalayas ng ganitong walang rason, Arsinoe."
He said it as a matter of fact.
"I meant what I said." My lips were in a thin line.
Hindi ko nagugustuhan ang tinatakbo ng usapan. I come here to unwind, and he's making me annoyed.
"There is a difference between love, manipulation, and obsession. Don't try to fit it all at once. He's not your savior." Ang kariinan sa bawat salitang binigkas, hindi ko mawari kung bakit tumatagos iyon at tumutusok na parang punyal sa aking dibdib.
Mayroon itong inilapag sa lamesa at inimwestra sa akin na buklatin ang maliit na envelope.
"Sinasamantala nito ng pagiging mahina mo. It's not love, Arsinoe. It's manipulation and obsession. Bakit ka pumapayag na manipulahin ng taong iyon? Hindi mababayaran ng kung ano mang salapi ang buhay at dignidad mo!" He angrily said, almost like a spat.
I read the contents. Martin did transfer some of his properties, acquire assets, and put a very large sum of money under my name. To compensate me as an agreement between Hassan and Tirka because they couldn't be annulled. This has the signatures of Martin and Helga. It's the latest copy, dated yesterday morning!
Nanghina ang mga tuhod ko, para akong babagsak sa sahig ng anumang segundo.
"He wouldn't leave Helga for you. Kahit hindi nila mahal ang isa't isa, they won't break apart. It's time for you to wake up and knock up some senses. Habambuhay kang magiging kabit, iyon ba ang gusto mo?" Kuya Konstantin added.
Napakagat ako sa labi, hawak parin ang kapirasong kopya itong. Hanggang sa mabasa na lamang ito ng mga luha.
"Maybe this is fabricated." Ayokong maniwala, unless Martin is the one who'll tell me so.
He promised me! Magpapakasal kami pag nasa tamang edad na ako! He even tried to introduce himself to his family. No, I cannot forever be his mistress!
What about those things we planned together?
May tiwala ako sa kaniya, hindi nito gagawin sakin ang bagay na iyan.
I crumpled it.
"Nasa harapan mo na ang katotohanan, bakit ayaw mo paring maniwala? He didn't tell you about this, because he has no plan on telling you! Don't justify him in front of me."
I dropped to my knees, trying to stop my tears from flowing. Sinubukan akong tulungan ni Kuya Konstantin upang itayo at mapaupo, pero hindi ko kaya.
Sorbang sakit ng puso ko.
I'm so in pain, I couldn't handle how it hurts me.
"K-kilala ko siya, baka may rason kung bakit hindi pa niya nasasabi sa akin." Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya upang kumuha ng lakas, magkaroon ng kasamang maniwala na baka may dahilan si Martin.
Tinakpan ko ang aking bibig upang maipit ang paghikbi. "Tama na, Arsinoe. I couldn't tolerate that mother fucker anymore for what he's doing to you. I regret not protecting you from him; I should've done what's right. Dinig ang pagsisisi habang ako'y binalot ng mahigpit na yakap.
All this time, Martin was giving me false hope. Pinapaasa niya ako sa wala!
"B-bakit? Bakit, kuya? Binibigay ko naman ang lahat! Bakit walang nagmamahal sa akin ng totoo? Sobrang sakit, ang sakit-sakit dito." Dinuro ko ang sariling dibdib, parang hindi ko na kayang damhin ito."
Gusto ko ng mamatay.
"What should I do then? Ano'ng mali sa akin? Palagi na lang akong ginagamit parang kasangkapan! Wala siyang plano para sa aming dalawa! Gusto lang niyang gamitin ako nang paulit-ulit! Sana, hindi na siya nangako para hindi narin ako umasa!"
Trembling and hysterically shouting every words.
Ibinuhos ko ang lahat ng saloobin, nanlulumo at tila nawawalan na ng pag-asa.
Typemehard's Note:
Finally, it's my free time!
Let me know your thoughts about this chapter. It would help me determine whether I'll change the ending or continue with the original plot, hahaha.
If you have the time and space to follow me on Facebook, I would really appreciate it. Thank you.
Have a nice evening, everyone!
