Things I Shouldn't Have Done

three.

The ocean is more turbulent today than usual. This is also the reason why I can't start surfing. There are too many waves I can't catch. And they all go too fast.

Disappointed, I throw the board in front of me and sit on it. I am so angry and tense and I don't even know why. Of course, my parents noticed this and immediately asked if I had a fight with Maddy.

I am not. At least I think? She got mad at Ryker last night not me. Even though I was the first to comment about the trash she was looking at, she still snapped at him.

I don't think she's mad at me because she sent me some mime this morning.

I take off my suit and get ready to go swimming. If I'm not going to learn to surf, at least I'm going to take a bath. My mom always warns me that the ocean is not so safe because of sharks and currents, but I never listen to her

Before I enter the water I see Hazel running towards me. My little sister's hair is tied in buns and she is wearing a dress that mom bought her because I have a similar one.

"Kyla! I want to swim with you too!"

I just want to shout at the top of my lungs. Not at Hazel, but at the parents, because they didn't even notice that their four-year-old child left the house and went to the beach across the street.

I can't believe it.

We live in Los Angeles and not in some pripyzdina where there are no people.

I take Hazel in my arms and lead her towards the house. We don't let her swim in the ocean very often. That is, I don't let her go. Because I'm afraid something will happen to her.

It's different for me, I know the ocean. And I grew up.

"Mom, how did you not notice that Hazel left the house?" I ask when I enter.

Dad is in the workshop and mom is mixing something. The decision to have another child in their late forties is really terrible for them. I practically worry more about Hazel than they do.

"Oops. I thought that she was playing in her room," Mom says confused. I can see she wasn't even worried that Hazel casually walked out of the house and they didn't notice.

"Well, she came to the beach after me. And that alone," I said angrily while Hazel looked at me with wide-open eyes.

Normally she is talkative, but when I get angry with mom and dad, she kicks me. Instead of handing her over to mom, I go upstairs to the room, not wanting to listen to their excuses.

I lay my sister on the carpet where some of her toys are and take the phone. I'm surprisingly bored. But I'm never bored. I always have a hundred things to do. And half of them include beach and ocean time.

But since the ocean is crap today, I have to do something else. Something in the house. Or outside. But I'm not sure Maddy will want to go out.

We don't usually go out during the day. I'm sure she's probably out shopping now with those duplicitous friends who take advantage of her just to buy them Victoria Secret underwear.

I'm scrolling through Instagram and just then Madison's story pops up. She is on the story...with Ryker. Okay? Of course she is with him. They are together.

On the story, the two of them are in his car, she is sitting on his lap and he is pressing her bottom with his hands. Yes, she usually publishes such provocative pictures.

She once posted a selfie where the focus was on her ass and Instagram suspended her for a couple of days.

I'm not sure how to feel about this picture. Especially not after last night. Some delusional part of me might have interpreted Ryker's gestures as as a seduction, but the rational part would have understood that he was just being polite.

Because it is.

I continue to stare at the picture for a while before turning off my phone. Sometimes I miss the old Madison. The one who didn't long for popularity and hanging out with rich kids.

The Madison who was like me-who would rather spend Friday night at home watching a movie with me than the Madison who spends Friday at a party where she gets laid and then has sex with Ryker in the seat of his Mercedes.

But the death of a parent changes everyone, so it changed her too.

I love her anyway and I wouldn't want to lose my friendship with her. She is the best at comforting me and giving me advice.

That's why I'm typing her a message right now to ask her to meet up. And of course, since Maddy is always on the phone, I get an answer after two seconds.

Madison: I can't right now, I'm with Ryker.

Me: And later? In the evening?

Madison: There's a party at Lil Silver's tonight.

I roll my eyes. Lil Silver is a guy who thought he was on his way to becoming Kanye West just because he has a rap song that has almost a hundred thousand views on YouTube.

Me: Ah, nothing then. Never mind.

Madison: Why don't you come to the party?

Me: You know that's not my style Maddy.

Madison: It wasn't always mine.

Yes, because you were more normal before.

Me: I'm not really sure. I don't know anyone from there.

Madison: You know me and Ryker. It is sufficient. Come on. To finally understand why I like going to parties.

I immediately type the answer because I know that if I think too long, I will change my mind.

Me: Okay fine. What is the address?

Madison: I'll send it to you. I think you can also walk, it's not far from your house.

Me: Come on, come pick me up and let's go there together.

Madison: Glad, but I'm at Ryker's all day. I'm going to the party with him.

It's all day at Ryker's to probably have sex. I still find it weird that Madison isn't a virgin anymore. We always said we would keep our virginity for marriage.

That's why I think it's different with Ryker than with the other guys. She did not sleep with the others. She lost her virginity to that asshole who broke her heart.

I send her a like emoticon and get up from the bed.

I look in the mirror. If I'm going to a party, then I definitely have to dress up. And make up. And wear something that doesn't include tracksuits and a baggy t-shirt. I definitely need to work on my style. And femininity.

I'm seventeen years old and I don't know how to apply mascara properly without it smudging. Growing up, many kids thought I was weird because I wasn't like them—loud and playful.

Except for Maddy. She always defended me and included me in games and socializing. I will always feel indebted to her for that even though it was when we were kids.

I open the closet and start looking for what to wear tonight.