hiraeth | c.g. |

month seven

I won't be able to show you. There's no more hope to show you.
Carl's gone. Not in a way that's permanent but it may very well be. He has been for a while but I just couldn't come to terms with it. I still haven't. I didn't want to believe that my bed was cold on the other side. I didn't want to believe that he was miles away, probably wondering what he did wrong. But it was me. It was all me.
It was supposed to be a normal visit. Carl had gone to Alexandria as usual and I planned to go over the next day. I had some duties to fulfill but I was going to be there. A day before Carl had arrived, Michonne had welcomed a group of children and this woman, Jocelyn. There had been a sleepover among the kids that night, a disguise for Jocelyn to take them. She took them all. All of the kids, gone in the middle of the night.
I had gotten there early in the morning, just after they realized the house was empty and the kids were gone. That Judith was gone. Carl was ready to burn the world down so I went in his place with Daryl and Michonne to find the kids. I told him he needed to stay in Alexandria in case they returned but it was really to save him from what we could find.
I was with Michonne and Daryl. I thought it would be fine. That it would be alright. That we'd save the kids, save the day, life would carry on.
I was wrong.
I used to believe the X-shape was a promise. That's what Glenn had made it: a promise to me that we had each other. Now, it's burning on my back and I don't know how to get it off.
Carl's back in Alexandria and I don't know whether to feel relief or to break down. He believes I don't love him anymore. I know it's harsh but that belief is so much kinder than the reality of why I let him go. Why I forced him to go. Why I pushed him away.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know if I'm on the right path.
It's getting hard, but I can only hope it gets better. It has to, or I don't know if I'll be able to survive.

~Clarissa Rhee