The Lavender Butterfly

Chapter 17

“Hey,” a voice echoed in my head. “You’re sleeping again; open your eyes,” the voice continued. The voice was that of my former self. I opened my eyes, and I was in the same auditorium as the last dream I had. Once again, I turned to my side and saw my old self seated next to me. “Are you enjoying yourself – your new body, your new soul, and your new life?” he said to me. I tried to reply, but I felt frozen. I observed the ballet dancers on stage yet again, and I felt a warmth inside me. “You’re at a crossroads. You can either continue your life as a young girl, or go back to your old life,” he said. “But be mindful,” he continued, “that whatever decision you make here will be permanent, and you will never be able to change your mind henceforth.” Was this really a decision I could make? Could I go back to my old life? I feel like I had already thrown out my old identity, but it sounded like this may be my last chance to turn back – to have my old life back. I could go back to being Chris, looking forward to my loving wife and building our family together when we got back home. On the other hand, I realized that the past few days I felt happier than I have ever been. I was looking forward to my new life as Olivia. Maybe the voice in my dream was right; that this is the person I was destined to be all along. I said not a word, and the figure next to me said firmly, “Good. I see you’ve made your decision,” the figure said firmly. The figure was my own subconscious self; it knew what I had already decided. I was happy as my old self, but something was missing. Watching Chloe grow up, watching all the young girls dancing, there was something missing in me that I didn’t know I needed. In a way, maybe I should have always been the girl I have become. To be honest, I feel like was robbed of a childhood where I would grow into womanhood and enjoy the wonders of growing up as a girl. Sure, I had started my journey to womanhood at the age of thirteen, but I had been given the opportunity to rewind my life and start again as the person I really wanted to be. I should consider myself lucky to have had such a chance to have a new lease on life. The figure faded away, and re-appeared as my current self, Olivia. “You’re free,” she said, as everything faded to white. I opened my eyes to see Meredith looking at me. “Are you okay, sweetie? You were tossing and turning pretty violently. Were you having another nightmare?” I pulled down the sheets and looked down at my body. I was still all girl. I was Olivia, and that was who I would remain to be. And for once, I knew that to be a fact. ‘I’m okay,” I replied. “I think everything is going to be just fine.” Meredith smiled at me and hugged me. “I think so too, sweetie,” she replied. “Let me go get you a glass of water,” she continued, as she got up to pour me a glass of water. I looked at the window, with the shades tied shut. It was still dark out. I looked at the clock and it read 5:03 am. “Here you go, Liv,” Meredith said as she handed me the glass of water. The dream I had wasn’t a nightmare by any means, but it was very intense. I was very parched and needed the glass of water, for sure. I gulped down the entire glass in short order. “Wow, you must’ve been really thirsty,” she said as she lay down on the bed. “Why don’t we get some more sleep. We’re going to be up late tonight, plus we have an early plane to catch tomorrow morning.” “Right,” I replied. We both pulled the blankets up and nestled into our pillows. She was out cold within a half hour, but I couldn’t sleep. The dream I had earlier was running on repeat through my mind. Did I make the right decision, to go on living my life as Olivia? What if I hadn’t, and I elected to return to my life as Chris? Which decision would Meredith be happier with? What would happen to Olivia if I went back to my old life? With Chris out of the picture, how will he be remembered by those around him? Did I even have a choice to begin with? I had an endless barrage of questions spinning through my head. Most of these questions I didn’t have answers for, but they ruminated in my head repeatedly anyway. While this metaphorical whirlwind was spinning through my head, my thoughts were interrupted by a pounding on the hotel room door. Meredith jerked her head up and sat up in bed. I closed my eyes and pretended I was asleep. I heard her walk over to the door. She opened the door and I heard Stella whispering loudly. She whispered in such a manner I wondered why she even bothered whispering to begin with. Nonetheless, I continued to act as though I was sleeping. “Meredith, I’m sorry, but Chris is still out there somewhere. I have no idea where he is but just look. His suitcases are still here. Where could he have gone? Anyway, I called the police and filed a missing person’s report.” “You what?!” Meredith exclaimed. “Why did you do this? I don’t think we need to send the entire city out and go into search party mode!” Stella proceeded to whisper, with a snarl, hoping to try and keep her cool. “What the hell is your problem, Meredith?! This is the man who was the love of your life, you two were like two peas in a pod, you were perfect together! And for some reason you cannot be bothered to find out where he is, to see if he is okay?” Meredith, trying not to wake me (unbeknownst to her I was still awake), replied, “Look, I’m sure he’s okay. He probably took a flight back to Chicago. Or he took a plane somewhere else. Maybe he’s already found another woman. I don’t know. All that matters is that he is out of my life and he is not coming back.”  Stella took a deep breath, collected her composure and continued, “Listen Meredith, I understand why you are angry with him. He bailed on you. He bailed on all of us. Evan and Chloe both looked up to him so much. You guys aren’t family, but both of you mean the world to these kids. What am I supposed to tell them? That every man in your life will abandon them, like their father did? He may be a coward, but don’t you think we should at least check to see if he’s okay?” “Yeah, I guess you are right,” Meredith replied hesitantly. Stella continued, “If we do find him and he’s with another woman, I’ll be sure to kick his ass for you, though!” Meredith laughed uncomfortably. Normally, I would take offense to what Stella was saying about my former self, but it didn’t seem to phase me. At this point, I felt Chris was almost completely detached from me, especially since I now knew that I wouldn’t be going back. Despite my disassociation with my former self, I was unnerved by the fact that people were wasting their time looking for Chris. All the while, Meredith and I both knew the truth that they would never find Chris, because he no longer existed. What were we supposed to do to stop it though? There was simply no way anyone would believe the truth in the situation. Meredith and Stella continued to converse softly, but at a register that I could no longer hear. Whatever they were speaking about now wasn’t as heated as their previous conversation and sounded more peaceful and casual. At some point, I drifted back to sleep, no longer alarmed by their conversation.