never grow up, criminal minds

045. tiptoeing

Spencer gets home after the team got Emily back and caught Scratch, the man falling to his death.

He quietly shuts and locks the door, taking his shoes off. He checks on his mom before going down the hall to Clara's room.

He pushes the door open, finding her TV on and Clara asleep in her bed. Spencer walks over to the window and pulls the curtains shut, knowing she probably hasn't been asleep long.

Spencer turns the TV off, putting the remote on her nightstand. He looks at her, staring at his sleeping daughter, thankful to see the peaceful expression on her face again. He studies every feature, down to each miniscule thing.

Spencer instinctively goes down to kiss her on the head, but manages to stop himself. He knows if she won't even do so much as hold his hand, the last thing he should do is kiss her head, especially when she's asleep and doesn't have any say. He considers that he's overthinking, she wouldn't even know, maybe she wouldn't care, but he loves her too much to even try to risk making her uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry." Spencer whispers.

+++

Clara had spent a few nights at Erin's, Spencer really only agreeing knowing some time with one of her best friends would help her before she was stuck with him for six weeks. Plus, he needed to focus on finding a new facility for Diana, knowing her staying wasn't going to work for any of them.

His mom needs full time care, which he can't provide for her. He needs to try to recover from prison and really try to make amends with Clara. He knows he can't do that when trying to take care of his mother. His daughter needs his undivided attention, even when she shuts him out. After everything she's been through, the last thing she needs to worry about is encountering more schizophrenic episodes or memory gaps from Diana.

Clara trudges into the apartment, shutting the door behind her. She looks around at the spotlessly clean apartment, her nose scrunching up at the smell of bleach, knowing Spencer probably finished cleaning barely an hour ago.

"Hey." She looks over as Spencer walks out. 

"H-hi." She says, rubbing her ear. "You, um... you cleaned."

"Yeah. Yeah, I... I figured it's been a while since a really good clean up job." Spencer says. "I mean, you haven't been here, it wasn't Cassie's job, probably wasn't on grandma's mind, I was... gone."

"Right." Clara nods once.

"I, um... I found a facility in-- nearby. Grandma's gonna be living there for... unless something else happens to her that would need her to be moved." Spencer says.

"Like going back to Mexico for drugs? Or is gonna be Canada next?" Clara asks.

"No Mexico. No Canada. No medicine. No-- no more illegal stuff." Spencer promises. "I have the next six weeks off. The whole team does because of all the turmoil we've been through with-- with me and Cat, Lindsey, and Scratch. And then there's the fact I may not even be reinstated. I-I mean, there's the possibility I'll never get my job back. And it's summer so you don't have to worry about school. That's good, right? But with these six weeks, I do want to try to... to talk to you an-and get better."

"Dad--"

"You still have a week and a half of school left, I know. But--"

"I have homework." Clara grabs her bag and beelines to her room.

"Yeah." Spencer mumbles. "Yeah, go... homework's important."

+++

Spencer paces the living room, rubbing the back of his neck. He finally grabs the pizza, putting a few slices on a plate. He grabs a bottle of chocolate milk out of the fridge, going to Clara's room. He hesitates before knocking on the door.