Undone

Ignorance (Denial)

"She's always been this way."
90 lb
I'm a shrinking violet.
Petals withered as I reject the sun and dwell in the comfort of the shade.
I counted seven ribs today.
I'm so excited that this diet is actually working.
I let my fingers glide on the smooth edges, washing away my sins.

"She's always on a diet."
82 lb
I don't think anyone notices that I wear five layers of shirts.
Three pairs of long underwear and baggy clothing.
Pretending I'm normal as I cross my fingers hoping they don't notice.
I look like a whale with a white round belly and huge hips.
I'm suffocating and drowning under a million layers of fat.
I hope I can be thin one day.

"We've all been on diets."
74 lb
I'm really cold and I'm always shivering.
I can see my cheekbones stick out with deep hollows carved on my face.
But my face is still swollen and chubby in many places.
I'm not satisfied.
My mother can wrap her hand around my whole arm with ease.
Strangely I still feel like crying. I don't want her to touch me.
It's not enough.
I'm a disgrace.

"How did we miss this?"
58 lb
I was shocked to see my weight on the doctors scale.
Something must be wrong with it. I look more like I'm three hundred.
I can barely stand anymore because my legs can't support my frame.
I lost most of my hair and my body is covered with white fuzz.
They say I barely have fat on my body. A low unhealthy percentage.
I'm just skin and bones.
They're lying. I know it.
I don't have enough energy to argue with them.
I don't have enough energy to make them see me as I do.
I'm really tired I should rest my eyes for a little bit.
Later I'll have enough energy to walk some laps in the hospital room.

" Why are you doing this to yourself?! Why are you doing this to us now?"
55 lb
I refuse to eat. They can't force me.
The doctor wants to put me on a feeding tube. My parents gave him permission.
I scream and yell at them when they give me a local anesthetic.
I resist the hands dragging me to the surgery room.
The doctor tells me that I'm in a critical state and I could die if I don't get the NG tube.
Seething with rage I tell everyone in the room including my parents that I hate them and that I would never forgive them for doing this without my permission.

Once I'm alone I rip out my feeding tube and IV fluid line from my body.
I refuse to let them pollute my insides with toxic.
There is blood all over the sheets. I think I pulled too hard.
I hear a hysterical babble of voices as my consciousness fades.
I can hear a hint of anger and frustration within them.
Inside I laugh, this will show everyone that I can't be controlled.
I'm my own person.
Then I hear crying over the rapid fluttering of my heart. I think it's my parents.
I feel a strange mix between satisfaction and guilt. I should tell them I'm sorry.
Before I could muster the strength to give them an apology a loud beep forced everyone into silence.
I was gone in seconds.

" Who would have thought she would become a victim of an eating disorder? I sure didn't."
If I could come back for any reason it would be to tell them that they chose to become a victim of ignorance.
When I was a dead girl walking they looked the other way denying that I even existed.
Maybe they would have seen this coming if they only stopped believing the beguiling phrase that, "Ignorance is bliss."