Undone

Blade

I look into the wooden drawer
My hand diving into its plentiful depths
Digging beneath the piles of clothes
Frantically searching for my salvation
My one comfort in this world of uncontrollable pain
Unbearable anguished mental torment
Self afflicted imprisonment

My hand touches the bottom of the coarse wooden drawer
A finger glances against a smooth and cool object
Ah-ha
I have found my true solace
A dull blade that I took out of a pencil sharpener

I grab the razor blade and sit down on my bed
Breathing in deeply preparing myself for what I must do
The terrible act that I was going to commit

If it's so bad why does it help me feel more in control and calmer
When I draw a ruby line across my thighs and wrists I feel better
Nothing bothers me when the badness seeps out of my body

I slowly exhale and pull down my pajamas over my hips
My thighs are still bleeding from yesterday
I cut too much but it never feels like it's enough
I count the gaps left behind after splitting my skin with my dull companion
It takes awhile to break the thin layer of skin on my hips
I have to go over the same cut more than 5 times
By the time blood freely spills out of the wounds
My cuts are a jagged mess

When I see myself in the mirror and remember the reason for this blood-letting
I go into a mind-numbing frenzy
I slash every inch of skin on my hips
Up and down, left to right, zig-zags
20, 50, 100, 125
The direction and amount of cuts didn't matter
The pain was my sole focus
I wanted to hurt so badly
Make my body expose all the hurt bottled up inside of my head
I can't scream for help
So I will let my body whisper for medical attention
It will cry for me when nobody will
It will care for me when I hurt myself
Trying its best to heal my open wounds scattered around my stomach, thighs, hips, and wrists
I refuse to cry but my body will vent out its limitless supply of crimson tears

It is honest unlike me
I am a liar
Coward
Selfish
Undeserving
An anathema to the human race
No one will
Understand me
Know me
As much as this blood stained razor blade