Halstead Sister

Losing a Patient

A/N: This is based on a request by alexxx50. I know it isn't exactly what you asked for but since I am an EMT this was easier to write.
TW: Death, description of CPR (not graphic but probably more detailed than it needs to be- I got a little carried away)

Some background: Tess is an EMT. Part of her job is to transport people who are unable to walk or need medical monitoring from hospitals to nursing homes or nursing homes to doctor's offices.

Tess POV (22 years old)
My partner and I had just finished a job and were waiting to be dispatched to the next one. Our phone beeped and I picked it up to check the job. "Heading to Sunrise for Anne" I told my partner, who started driving. Anne was one of my favorite patients. She was an older woman who lost both of her legs and was on dialysis. Two days a week, my partner and I would take her to dialysis and, if timing worked out, we'd pick her up too. She was sweet and I loved talking to her about her family and life in general. We pulled up outside of the nursing home, unloaded the stretcher, and went inside.
"Hey Anne," I said as I entered her room. "How are you feeling today?" I asked her.
"Fine" she smiled warmly at me.
"Ready to go?" I asked her. Already knowing what she takes with her, I placed her bags on the back of the stretcher before my partner and I slid her from the bed to stretcher.
"How was your grandson's wedding?" I asked once we were started transporting.
"Oh lovely. Let me show you pictures." Anne took out her phone and showed me pictures from the wedding. We soon arrived at the dialysis center and brought Anne inside.
"I'll see you next week." I said once Anne was comfortably in her chair.
"Yes. And I'm looking forward to hearing some good news about your med school applications." Anne smiled at me. I said goodbye and my partner and I continued with our busy day.

A few weeks later, I was working with a new partner. Our first job was for Anne.
"Have you met Anne yet?" My partner shook her head. "Oh you're going to love her!" I said. "She's super nice and loves to talk about pretty much anything. Her grandson just got married and her granddaughter is expecting twins this summer. She also has great recipes." I added.
We soon pulled up in front of the nursing home and I walked with a little extra pep in my step. When we approached her room, I immediately knew something was wrong. A nursing assistant was standing by the bedside. Anne was on oxygen, which was not normal for her. She seemed out of it and looked pale. "What's going on?" I asked.
The nurse came in behind me. "Her blood pressure is low." She explained. "It was 94/57."
"That is low for her." I said with some surprise. "Anne, how are you feeling?" I stood beside her.
"Okay," she mumbled. She didn't seem to recognize me.
"Are we still taking her to dialysis?" I asked the staff. This didn't seem like a routine transport anymore.
The nurse nodded. "Doctor still wants her to go." Rather than fighting with the nurse, I simply nodded and my partner and I put Anne on our stretcher.
"Anne, where are we?" I asked her as we left the facility. She answered appropriately. She seemed to know where she was, the year, and what was going on, but she still wasn't acting like herself. In EMT school, they teach you to identify the difference between sick and not sick. Anne was definitely sick. In the back of the ambulance, I reassessed Anne's blood pressure, which dropped. 88/52.
"Hey!" I called up to my partner. "Reroute to the hospital. She can't go to dialysis." My partner obeyed and rerouted as I informed dispatch and my supervisor of the change.
"You doing okay, Anne?" I asked for what felt like the hundredth time. Anne gave me a weak nod but I wasn't even sure she understood the question. We arrived at the ER and transferred care to the nurses.
"That was not the Anne I expected to see." I said to my partner as we wiped down the stretcher. We continued our day but I couldn't stop thinking about Anne. At the end of the week, I found out she had pneumonia and was given antibiotics and was discharged after 4 days, which made me feel better.

Almost exactly 2 weeks after taking Anne to the ER, my regular partner Jim and I were waiting around for our next pick-up, which wasn't for another hour. I was playing a game on my phone when the radio keyed up.
"Dispatch to 201"
"201" I picked up the radio.
"Take in Sunrise Assisted Living, room 301 for the cardiac arrest. CPR in progress."
"201 received, responding." I said. I began driving lights and sirens to the nursing home. I not only was familiar with the facility, but I was familiar with the room. The patient was Anne.
I threw the truck into park and hopped out. Jim and I grabbed our equipment and quickly walked inside. We made it to Anne's room and I froze for a split second. I watched the nurses perform CPR. They were doing CPR on my friend.
"Tess, you got airway?" Jim asked me. I snapped out of my daze and grabbed an oral airway. I did my best to not look at Anne's eyes I placed the airway adjunct and began ventilating her with the BVM. "When was she last seen well?" Jim asked. The nurses told us they saw her an hour ago when they gave her lunch. They then found her unresponsive and pulseless. They had been doing CPR for 15 minutes before we got there. Jim and I swapped and I took over chest compressions. The AED kept saying "no shock advised." So we continued CPR. The paramedics arrived and placed Anne on the heart monitor. One of them placed an IV as the other intubated her.
"Asystole." The medic stated looking at the monitor. "Gave 1 of epi." At this point, CPR had been going on for nearly a half hour. Anne was 87, the AED never advised a shock, and the monitor showed a flat line since medics arrived. I knew that it meant there wasn't much else to do. One medic stepped back to call the doctor. I stayed focused on ventilating Anne. '...3...4...5...6' I counted to myself and squeezed the BVM. '1...2...3...4...'
"T," Jim waved his hand in front of my face. "You can stop." I put down the BVM. I refused to look at Anne. I helped gather the garbage and our equipment. The medics, Jim, and I walked out of the building. I didn't say anything. The medics were talking to Jim, and maybe to me, but I wasn't listening. We got to the truck and I started putting stuff away.
"Is this her first cardiac arrest?" I heard a medic ask Jim. I assume he said no, given that we've worked multiple others together.
"She was close with the patient." He explained.
"You knew the patient?" The medic walked over to me. I nodded, afraid that I'd break down if I tried talking. "It's always harder when you know the patient. There's no shame in taking a break for a bit if you need to." I nodded. "And if you ever need to talk to someone, there are many people you can ask. My partner and I would be more than happy to talk to you, I'm sure Jim would be too. You can always reach out to your supervisors who can connect you with a counselor." I nodded again. I knew all that. But right now, I just want to crawl into a hole and cry.
"Thank you." I said barely over a whisper.
"You'll be okay, kid." The medic reassuringly squeezed my shoulder and went on his way. I walked to the front of the truck where Jim was in the driver's seat.
"I figured you wouldn't want to drive." He said. I silently thanked him and hopped in the vehicle. "Drew wants us back at HQ." Jim said, referring to our supervisor. I didn't react. "You ok, T? I know how much you loved Anne."
"I'll be fine" I told him. I didn't say another word on the way back to HQ. Once back, I slowly got out of the truck and Drew was there waiting for us.
"Hey, Tess, come with me for a minute." Drew gestured for me to follow him. I followed him to the back room. "Heard you had a rough CPR job." I nodded. "It might be a good idea to take the rest of the shift off." Drew said. I looked at him questioningly, ready to argue. "Hey, we all have jobs that get to us. And we are no good to our patients if we aren't on our A-game. So take the rest of the day off. Take care of yourself." I wanted to pretend I was fine and could keep working but I knew he was right.
"Thank you." I replied.
"Of course. And if you ever want to talk, you know where to find me. I can also connect you with other resources. You just have to say the word." I thanked Drew again and headed out.
"Heading home?" Jim asked as I went to the truck to grab my stuff.
I nodded. "Thanks for calling Drew. I need this but wouldn't have done it myself."
"I know and that's why I did it. We're partners- I've always got your back." Jim said. I got my belongings and went to my car. I just started driving. I didn't realize where I was heading until I ended up in the parking lot of Med. I need to see Will.

I walked into Med in a daze. I think multiple people asked if I needed help finding something. Being in uniform helped- at least it looked like I belonged in the ED. I looked around for my brother. I couldn't see him. I started walking in circles.
"Did you bring a patient in?" Maggie asked me. I shook my head and kept walking. I think Maggie asked me another question but I didn't care. I needed Will. I was on the verge of losing it. Finally, after 3 laps around the ED, Will came out of a patient room. I quickly walked over to him.
"Hey, T. What'd ya bring me?" He smirked. I just wrapped my arms around him. "Whoa. What's going on?" I lost it. I started sobbing. "Okay, okay, c'mere." Will ushered me into the break room. He held me for a few seconds before pushing away. "What happened?"
"I lost her." I cried. "I couldn't... it didn't work..." Will guided me to the couch and passed me a box of tissues before sitting beside me.
"I know this doesn't help, but I'm sure you did everything you could, T." Will said softly. I was grateful he was able to put the pieces together and I didn't have to explain that I had just lost a patient. Will wrapped his arm around me and let me cry until I was all cried out. "You wanna talk about it?" Will asked. I shrugged.
"Honestly I just want to nap." I told him. I felt somewhat better after I cried. But now I was exhausted.
"You gonna be okay to drive home?" Will asked. I nodded. "Alright. I'll see you when I get home. Go rest." I gave Will one last hug before leaving. I avoided making eye contact with anyone and went to my car.
Once I got home, I showered, put on my favorite pajamas, and got into bed. I was emotionally and physically drained. It didn't take long for me to fall asleep.

I woke up to whispering. When I opened my eyes, Jay and Will were standing over my bed, looking concerned.
"This is only a little creepy." I said groggily.
"We didn't know if we should wake you for dinner." Will spoke softly.
"Well, now that I'm up. What're we eating?" I sat up in bed.
Jay chuckled. "Picked up Chipotle on my way home." I got out of bed and started toward the kitchen. "I don't know why we ever doubted that this kid wouldn't want to eat." Jay teased. The three of us sat at the table and started eating. There was a bit of silence before someone said anything. "Will told me what happened today." Jay said. "I'm sorry, T."
I shrugged. "She's just such a good person. I'm going to miss her so much."
"I know." Will said. "But you did everything you could to help her. And not just today. We both know that there are plenty of EMTs out there who just do the job and don't care about the patients. You do. The kindness you showed her made a difference in her life."
I nodded. "How do you keep treating other patients?" I asked. "I don't want to feel like this again."
Will sighed. "Truthfully, T. It sucks. But I just do everything I can for every patient and in doing so I know that in some way I tried to make a difference, even if it didn't turn out the way we wanted."
"Does it get easier?"
"It gets different." Will answered. "Depending on what type of medicine you go into, you may see death a lot. As horrible as this sounds, you get used to it. You will learn how to separate yourself from the situation. Which I know sounds insensitive but it's the only way to get by."
I looked at my brothers. "Which specialities do NOT deal with death all the time, cause that's what I want to go into."
Will chuckled. "You're going to be okay, Tiny."

A/N: thanks for reading and favoriting! As always, feel free to leave feedback and requests!