Love me not

8. Small steps

She still loved him, of course. But she had grown, and she now understood that her life and emotions could not hinge on what Colin thought of her or how he treated her. She was stronger than she had been before, and after six months of reflection, she had come to terms with the painful truth: Colin Bridgerton would never see her as his wife. They were merely old friends bound by a forced marriage.

And yet, there he stood in her room, holding her hands, gazing at her with tears in his eyes, begging for another chance. But why? What was he truly asking for?

She didn't pull away, even though her palms were damp with nervousness. His gaze held her, and in that moment, she saw the Colin she once knew—the gentle, charming, sweet man who had once captured her heart. But she also remembered the weeks of emotional turmoil that had followed his presence, his attention once again stirring feelings she had worked so hard to suppress.

While she believed he was sincere in his regret, she couldn't be sure if she could forgive him completely. How could she trust him again after everything that had happened, especially the hurtful words and actions on their wedding day?

'' Why would you want that?'' she asked.

"Because... I think I love you, Pen." He spoke with such sincerity that it caught her off guard. Her eyes widened in surprise, and instinctively, she took a step back, pulling her hands from his

"You think?" she asked, her voice betraying the disappointment she felt.

"I think I love you, yes." He closed the distance between them, reaching out to take her hand and place it over his chest, where his heartbeat thudded beneath her palm. "Please understand, Penelope. I don't know how to express this properly. But when you're not with me, I feel this ache. I miss you, and when you are near, I get nervous. I've never known what love truly feels like before, and I don't know how to explain it fully."

"What about my cousin? You said you loved her. You wanted to marry her."

"That was nothing more than me being a foolish boy, seeking attention. I confused infatuation for love. With her, it was never more than perhaps lust. I see that now. What I feel for you is completely different. Don't ask me when or how it happened, because I can't pinpoint the exact moment, but I missed you terribly when I was away. I hated myself for leaving you the way I did, for the words I said, for abandoning you on our wedding night."

"That night... I was awake. I truly hoped you would..." Her voice faltered, unsure of how to finish the thought.

"I wanted to, I really did. But I was angry and intoxicated, and you were so beautiful. I didn't want to do something in the heat of the moment. I didn't understand my feelings back then, but I do now. I will do everything in my power to be the husband you deserve because you deserve better than what I gave you."

Penelope stepped back, needing space. She moved to the chaise, sitting down, trying to steady her breath, her hands trembling. The room hung heavy with silence.

"I should let you rest," he said after a few moments, his voice softening. "We can talk again another time." He turned toward the door and reached for the handle, but before he could open it, Penelope called out to him.

"I believe you, Colin," she said, her voice quiet but sincere. "I believe you're sorry and that you feel guilty for how you treated me. I know you, Colin. You're a kind man, and you would never hurt anyone on purpose." She inhaled deeply before continuing, "But I don't think you love me. I think you're confused."

"I'm not confused, Penelope." His voice was steady, and he reached up to gently touch her cheek, his thumbs brushing against her skin. "I don't know why I didn't realize it sooner, but I'm certain about how I feel. And I'll prove it to you—not just with words, but with actions."

With every breath, her bosom, which was clearly visible due to his height, rose and felt. Her respiration was so erratic that he could feel every movement in her chest. Her flawless lips were gently parted, her cheeks flashing. His lips were longing to kiss her as his eyes grew lustful and dark. He had a feeling that she shared his desires. He took a step toward her, bent over, brought her head to his, and kissed her.

Closing her eyes, Penelope accepted that kiss. She has been aching to feel his lips on hers for a very long time. She can hardly recall their one kiss, which happened on their wedding day. It was brisk, brief, and chilly.

This kiss was all she ever wished for. It was soft, warm, field with love and longing. It was field of love and desire, smooth and warm. He moved her closer to his body and gave her a strong waist embrace, deepening the kiss. When his tongue comes into contact with her lips, she groans and opens her mouth to allow him to fully taste her.

She had never experienced anything like that before, and she relished every movement of his lips and tongue. She experienced a surge of excitement that penetrated her entire being. She drew away from Colin, breaking the kiss, when he dropped his hand from her cheek to her neckline and onto her breasts.

"I'm sorry... I..." she lowered her gaze, trying to steady herself, her words faltering.

"No, don't apologize, Pen." He gently took her hand and kissed the back of her palm. "I'm sorry if I upset you or made you feel pressured."

"No, it's not that... It's just that I got swept away, and now... I'm embarrassed."

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You're my wife, and I'm your husband. I want you, Penelope."

She blushed at his words, and he offered a reassuring smile. "Colin, that's not something you should be saying."

No, between us, it's not inappropriate. I understand it'll take time for you to adjust to this kind of closeness."

"I do need time. I'm not ready to forgive you yet, I don't trust you, and I don't know if I can be the wife you want."

"I'm not asking anything from you. I just want a chance for us to know each other better, to see if we still have a future together as husband and wife."

"I agree with that." She smiled faintly and stepped aside. "But I need to go to bed now. I'm exhausted."

"Of course, I'll let you rest." He nodded but couldn't bring himself to leave. Though he longed for it, he wasn't going to push her into sharing the same bed. "Good night, Penelope," he said, walking toward the door. But before he could open it, she called out to him again.

"Colin, you dismissed the staff?"

"Yes, I did," he replied with a smile. "I believe they're all asleep now."

"Then how am I supposed to change? I need Rae to help me; I can't untie my corset on my own."

"Should I wake her up?" He knew she wouldn't want him to, as she was too considerate to disturb the staff at this late hour, and that she would stubbornly attempt to manage it herself or sleep dressed.

"There's no need. I'll manage," she said, her voice firm. Colin chuckled, already knowing she'd say that.

He stepped forward, closing the distance between them.

"Turn around," he said, his tone more insistent. Penelope raised an eyebrow, taken aback by his command. "I promise, I won't do anything you don't want. Let me help with the corset."

She was aware that it was a horrible idea, but wearing a corset to bed was even worse. It hurts to do it. She turned around, her back facing Colin. His hands undid my dress's buttons, and I dragged it all the way down to the ground. He began slowly untying the corset while I was lowering the dress. He was skilled at the task, and she had some time to reflect on how many corests he had previously untied. How many women had he stripped off while traveling?

She felt it loosen as he eventually untied everything, and she reached out with her hands to keep it from sliding off and exposing her naked. Colin's hand was gently brushing against her shoulder and descending her arm.

'' Your skin is so soft. '' he whispered into her ear.

'' Colin, please...'' she begged and he knew it was not her begging for him to undress her completly and claim her as his own. She was embarrassed and he understood that.

'' I will go! I will see you tomorrow, Penelope. '' and he left.

Penelope heard his footsteps approaching the door, and as it closed, she turned to face it while panting heavily.