Love me not

11. Love

"I want you to oppose that, Penelope, so you should."

"How could I? Men often take one or more mistresses, especially when their wives don't meet their needs. My father had many, and my mother never said a word. She had us to keep her busy, but still."

"Neither you nor I are like your parents. Our marriage is different."

"How is it different? It's still an arranged marriage."

Colin stepped closer, taking her hands in his.

"I love you, Penelope. It took me years and distance to realize this, but it's the truth. Our marriage may have been arranged, but that doesn't mean it can't be different from other arranged ones. We've been friends for years, we've grown up together, and now that we're married, I have no intention of having a mistress. Not now, not ever."

"Colin..."

Colin: "I don't want to share my body or my bed with anyone else, just to fulfill some shallow desire. I want to share that with you, with the woman I care about. I want it to mean something. So please, stop pushing me into someone else's bed."

"I won't bring it up again, and honestly, I don't want you seeking comfort with another woman," she said, a bit embarrassed. "But I'm not ready to give you what you want, and I'm sure you're not ready to accept me for who I truly am."

"You mean Lady Whistledown?" he asked, his voice soft, and she nodded. "Yes, I have questions, but more than that, I'm worried about the risk you're taking. It's not what you've written in Whistledown that bothers me, but the danger it puts you in."

"I can take care of myself," she said, her tone serious.

"I know you can, but I want to take care of you. I understand that you're not used to that, that your family never truly looked out for you, and that's why you felt you needed Whistledown. But, Penelope," he cupped her cheek gently, "I want to care for you because you're important to me."

"You're important to me too, Colin."

Colin smiled, leaning in to kiss her lips gently before pulling back. He understood her fears and acknowledged his own mistakes, but knowing that he mattered to her brought him joy. He was willing to give her time and space to figure out her own feelings without pressuring her.

He was ready to do whatever it took to win back her love, even though she had told him that she no longer loved him, and his actions had likely caused her to feel that way.

The days passed in the Bloomsbury house in peace. Despite his concerns about Whistledown, Colin enjoyed the tranquility at home, reluctant to disturb it with questions that could lead to misunderstandings.

"That sounds lovely," she remarked, looking away from him.

"Is something wrong, Penelope?" he asked, noticing her anxious demeanor.

"There's nothing wrong," she said, glancing at him. "I'm excited to visit Aubrey Hall."

"I can tell something's bothering you. Please, talk to me."

"It's about Whistledown," she murmured, careful not to let the staff hear.

"What about it?" he asked, his tone serious.

"Perhaps we should continue this in the drawing room?" she suggested.

Colin stood up, leaving his napkin on the table. Penelope followed him, and they walked together into the drawing room, closing the door behind them. Despite having accepted Penelope's secret as Lady Whistledown, part of him still wished she would stop writing her column.

Colin sat beside her on the couch as she settled in.

"As you know, my column comes out at the start of every social season. We're getting close to that time, and..."

"And you're preparing to publish it again?" he interrupted, his voice edged with concern.

"I am. Though I started it as a way to shield myself from the people who wronged me, it's become a part of who I am. It's how I expose the things society tries to keep hidden."

"I understand why it started, but I don't understand why it needs to continue."

P"What do you mean?"

"Penelope, you're putting yourself in so much danger," he said, standing up, his frustration rising. "You've insulted powerful people with your writing. You've even insulted the Queen, for heaven's sake."

"So, what do you suggest?" she asked, standing as well. "Are you saying I should just stop and bury Lady Whistledown?"

"I think now's the time to stop."

"It's not that simple. Colin, Whistledown is part of me. She's not separate from me. You once said you knew me, but you were wrong. You only knew one side of me—the shy, sweet Penelope who lingered by the walls of ballrooms. But there's more to me. I am Lady Whistledown. I am the writer of that column, and I expose the secrets of a society that expects women to hide their true selves."

"I understand that, Penelope, but—"

"No, you don't," she said, her voice tight with emotion. "I can't just be one thing. If you can't accept all of me, then we should annul the marriage and go our separate ways."

"That's nonsense. An annulment is not an option."

"Colin, maybe it's for the best. I trust you to protect my secret, but once the annulment is official, we can both go on with our lives, the lives we dreamed of before this union."

"Is that what you want, Penelope?" he asked, his voice filled with hurt. "Do you want to live apart? Do you want to end our story before it even begins? Do you really want to break my heart as punishment for breaking yours?"

"No, Colin..." she moved toward him, cupping his face in her hands. "I would never want to punish you. Yes, you broke my heart, but I would never do anything to hurt you. Not intentionally."

Tears welled in his eyes, and his voice quivered. "Then why bring up the annulment? Why suggest that we live separate lives?"

"Because you can't accept me for who I really am."

Colin: "I do accept you, Penelope. I accept all of you. I want all of you close to me," he said, pulling her into his arms. "Can't you see that I'm afraid for you? I fear that people will find out and hurt you. Can't you see that I love you?"

Penelope remained silent, but she could see the sincerity in his eyes. The thought of her being hurt was breaking him, and it finally clicked for her—he loved her. She didn't know when it had happened, or how, but she didn't care. All she had ever wanted was to be loved by him.

"I love you too, Colin. More than I can express, and for a very long time."

She said it, and with that, it was her hand pulling him toward her, her lips meeting his in a kiss that spoke of all the emotions she had kept hidden for so long. It was a kiss full of longing, desire, and the depth of her love for him.