Love me not

2. Never mine

Colin arrived back at the Bloomsbury house late at night. There was silence, all the lights had gone out, only a few candles remaining lit. At that hour, he figured everyone was asleep. He walked gradually along the hallway and up the stairs, feeling a little lightheaded from his alcohol consumption.

He went to the bedroom and opened the door, the dim light from the window cast long shadows across the room. He sat down on the chaise in front of the bed and took his boots off. He released his necktie and rested his head on the chaise's back. A few minutes later, he got up and faced the bed and then he realized that he was not alone. He moved closer to one side of the bed after circling it.

Penelope was lying in bed, wearing a blue satin nightgown that contoured her body and accentuated her beautiful proportions. He wasn't sure if it was the alcohol in his system or the weariness and tension he had acquired throughout the day, but he thought she was very attractive. He moved in closer, bent down, and used his hand to brush back a strand of hair away, letting the softness of her skin linger under his fingertips.

He took in every feature of her face as he looked at it. He had never noticed before how beautiful she was. She had such a lovely, serene, youthful, and appealing appearance. He needed to gather himself; from what he could tell, the alcohol was speaking.

Taking his belongings, he exited the bedroom. He refused to consummate the marriage and was unable to sleep next to her in that bed. He deep down cared for that redhead girl, she has been his best friends for years and he wouldn't bed her only because in that moment he felt excited of seeing her dressed like that. She deserved better and he was not able to give her the love she deserved to receive. He was not a hasband, he was to young to take that responsability.

Penelope opened her eyes and tears immediately came out of them as soon as the door closed. From the minute Colin walked into the room, she had been awake. She hoped he would remain, embrace her, and love her when he touched her hair, but as soon as he left, all of that vanished. She sobbed till she fell asleep because it felt like she was leaving a nightmare.

The following morning she woke up alone as she felt asleep last night. When Rae entered, she got out of bed and turned to face the window. '' Miss...pardon me, Mrs. Bridgerton. I'm here to assist you with getting dressed."

Her thoughts still felt clouded from the night before, and the realization that she was now, at least by name, a Bridgerton brought an odd feeling of weight to her chest.

Penelope turned around and faced her maid. '' Is my husband home?''  she asked.

Rae lowered her gaze, a trace of pity visible on her face'' He left early in the morning, but he left this letter for you.''

She took the envelope, its seal broken but still intact. She turned it over in her hands, feeling the smooth texture of the paper, before slowly slipping it open. Her fingers trembled slightly as she unfolded it, scanning the elegant script of her husband's handwriting.

Penelope,

I'm aware that this is not the proper way to handle this, but I was unable to find the courage to tell you directly that I had made the decision to go and travel for a bit. I need to leave London behind and gain some space in my head.

I sincerely apologize for how I treated you last night; you are not to blame for entangling me in this marriage. I am the one who is at fault, if there is one. I should have behave and never take such liberties as been alone with you, but I considered you like a sister and I never thought this will be the outcome.

I'm not sure how long I'll be gone, but I think you can take care of the house by yourself. I told Anthony to assist you with finances as well as anything you might need.

You are a strong woman, Penelope, and I am not. I am young and I do not feel ready to be a husand. If I stay in London, I fear that I will miss out on experiences in life.

I will keep in touch.

Your husband,

Colin Bridgerton

Penelope sat in silence, the letter trembling slightly in her hands as she absorbed each word. Her heart constricted with a mix of emotions—confusion, frustration, and a deep sense of betrayal. She had expected many things from her marriage to Colin Bridgerton, but not this. Not a sudden departure without a word of warning, not this apology that seemed to make her feel more alone than ever.

She turned her gaze to the window, the morning light now seeming colder, the house even emptier. She didn't know how to feel about what he had written. He had made it clear that he didn't want to be there, that he wasn't ready for their life together. 

Rae: '' Mrs. Bridgerton?''

Penelope: '' Do not call me like that!'' she lashed out '' I am not Mrs. Bridgerton, I will never be.''

°°°°°3 months later°°°°°

As the days and weeks passed, Penelope's heartbreak festered into something deeper—an ache that shifted from sorrow to a searing, unrelenting rage. She had spent years in the shadow of her love for Colin, believing that if she could just make him see her, if she could somehow win his affection, everything would fall into place. But his absence, his cruel departure, shattered the illusions she had built so carefully over time.

His departure had been the final blow. He had apologized in his letter, yes, but it felt empty. His words were nothing more than a mask to cover the real truth: he had never wanted this life, and he had never wanted her.

Penelope had always prided herself on her strength, but after Colin's departure, she had come to realize just how resilient she truly was. He was right about one thing—she was strong. The anger that had once consumed her heart had begun to transform into determination, and as each day passed, Penelope began to rebuild her life, piece by piece.

She no longer viewed herself as the abandoned wife of Colin Bridgerton. No longer would she be someone who waited for approval or validation from anyone, least of all a man who had never truly seen her. She would make sure that no one could look down on her, no one could treat her as less than. Penelope would carve her own path, free from the shadows of her past and the expectations of others.

Penelope felt so alone at home even though the Bridgertons, who had invited her everywhere after Colin left, tried their best to be there for her. Her best friend, Eloise, who has always supported her and is the only person who is aware of all of her secrets, became her haven. Anthony taught her how to manage the fiances and the house with great kindness and his wife, Kate, became become a cherished confidante and big sister.

She was surprised to find that her mother understood and even cared about her circumstances. She has never been closed to her family and has always felt alienated, but this situation she was in made her mother care for her. Portia became the mother she had always dreamed of having, helped her decorate the house, and paid her visits almost every day. Penelope considered the possibility that her mother identified with her. Knowing that her parents were never happy or in love, her mother was able to comprehend how hurt her daughter was.

Although Colin fulfilled his promise to Penelope to write to her and he sent one letter every month while he was away, those letters were lost in a drawer in their bedroom. She simply could not and did not want to read them, so she never did. She moved forward with her life and her interests.