Leah's POV:
What have I done. Tears streamed down my face as I walked back to my car after leaving y/n's. I wanted to explain myself, but nothing I could say would make up for what I've put her through and I know that. I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to the bet Katie suggested. It wasn't supposed to go this far.
Ever since y/n joined from united I couldn't take my eyes off her. She was beautiful and so funny and just an amazing person overall. From the moment I saw her I knew I wanted to be more than friends so when Katie suggested that I try and get her to go out with me for 2 months I jumped at the opportunity. I hadn't told anyone about my feelings towards y/n, but when Katie came to me with the idea I had a feeling she may have known and that was the reason she suggested it. Maybe she was trying to get me to tell her how I felt by making a bet, knowing it was the only way to get me to open up to y/n. Whatever she was thinking, she went about it wrong and it was even worse that I went along with it.
Throughout the time me and y/n spent together I felt myself falling for her even more. I couldn't help it. They way her smile brightened any room she walked in and the way her laugh caused everyone around her to join in, i was captivated by her. My feelings were real the whole way through, i was just too scared to tell Katie that so I kept up the joke, telling her that y/n was falling for me when it was the other way around. I was the one falling and I was falling hard and fast.
Sitting in my car, in the dimly lit car park of y/n's building the last 2 months flashed before my eyes, I didn't want it to end. I had built our relationship on a foundation of lies and it was inevitable that it would begin to crumble eventually. My intentions were never to hurt her the way I had but it didn't matter.I had and in such cruel way. I would never forgive myself for what I had done to her. I shouldn't have taken a bet for me to tell her how I felt. It felt like the world around me was crashing down and it was all my fault.
I decided to drive home, knowing if I tried to go back to her door it would only lead to more hurt. She didn't want to see me right now and I don't blame her. My vision was blurred as I pulled into my drive, my tears had not subsided since leaving her house and I had a feeling they would persistently fall for the remainder of the night. I felt sick knowing the pain I had caused y/n. I hated myself for it.
I got into bed, not bothering to shower or eat. I couldn't. I knew sleep would not come tonight and a part of me accepted that, I didn't deserve rest after what I had done. My mind punished me all night long, replaying the image of her eyes filled with pain that I had caused her. I deserved that too. I stayed in the same position, staring up a the ceiling until the morning sun began to gently illuminate my room.
I peeled myself out of bed, my body affected by the lack of sleep much more than my brain. She was all I could think about. All I wanted to do was go to her house and tell her how sorry I was. I couldn't think about anything else.
I grabbed my car keys and slipped on my shoes deciding the longer I waited the harder it would be for me to go back and see her. I needed to explain to her, I just needed to see her face.
I pulled up outside her house getting out of my car before I could talk myself out of it. She definitely doesn't want to see me right now or ever again but I needed her to know.
I knew she wouldn't forgive me for my actions, i wouldn't either. She deserves someone better than me. Someone who isn't afraid to tell her how they feel in a way that doesn't harm her in the end. But I needed her to know I never lied to her about the way I felt.
I got out of my car. Taking a deep breath. I had to prepare myself knowing I had ruined everything we had built over the past 2 months and no matter how much I wanted her to forgive me what I did was horrible and she had every right to hate me right now.
My hands shook as I reached up to knock on her front door. I was expecting her to slam the door closed as soon as she seen my face. The door opened slowly, revealing her tear stained face. She was wearing the same clothes as last night and her hair was a mess. Her appearance mirroring mine.
"Please let me explain. You don't have to say anything just let me talk." I chocked, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall after seeing her face.
She started silent, just taking a step back to let me into the house. I closed the door behind me and followed her into the living room. I sat down and she sat on the armchair opposite me. My gaze fell to the floor. I couldn't meet her eyes.
"What you heard was right, Katie suggested we make a bet to see if i could get you to go out with me for 2 months. But what she didn't know was I've had feelings for you since you joined Arsenal and this was just a way for me to tell you how I felt. I thought that if it was a bet, and you didn't feel the same i could just tell you it was a joke and it wouldn't ruin the friendship we had built, but you did feel the same and I was so relieved. My feelings towards you have always been real, y/n. I know what I did was so cruel and I hate myself for hurting you so bad. You have every right to never speak to me again, I would do the same. I don't deserve your forgiveness but I just wanted to tell you that these past 2 months have been the best 2 months of my life because I got to spend them with you. I was falling for you. I still am. I ruined what we had and i understand that. I just couldn't live with myself knowing you thought none of this was real and it was all a joke because it wasn't. I'm sorry y/n. For everything." Once I had finished speaking, I lifted my eyes from the ground and met hers. I couldn't read what she was feeling, she lifted her hand and wiped her eyes. I knew she needed time to process what I had just said because it was a lot. I just hoped she believed me, I would never intentionally hurt her.
I stood up, deciding it would be best to leave. As I walked past her I put my hand on her shoulder, hoping it would help reinforce what I had just told her. She let out a muffled sob and it broke my heart into a million pieces. Taking my hand away from her, I continued walking. There was nothing else I could do. I had told her what I wanted to, it was up to her now. I just hoped she knew how sorry I was.
I couldn't train today I couldn't do anything so I texted Jonas. I got home and crawled under my covers. I was emotionally and physically exhausted and I felt myself drifting off. It felt like there was an empty space in my chest where my heart used to be. I had left it with y/n because she was the person it belonged to.
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I hate this lol but lmk if u want part 3. I feel like this doesn't make any sense but oh well.
