50 Things I Hate About You (COMPLETED)

I Hate That You Made Me Love You

There was something so incredibly bittersweet about standing amongst peers I'd spent the last four years with on a stage in an overpacked stadium. As hard as I'd pushed and pled for Onyx to walk the stage with us, he'd refused. He sat with my mother in the crowd instead, dressed in an oversized band shirt and dark jeans, expression unreadable from afar. It wasn't until after Mikey, Angie, Levi, and I had taken pictures and they'd been swallowed by the crowd that I found my way to them. Mom immediately pulled me to her chest, gushing over how proud she was of us, then moving on to Onyx and praising, promising that Olivia would be overemotional and crying tears of joy.

It was hours later, after a long, emotional dinner with Mom, that Onyx and I finally drove around aimlessly for about twenty minutes before settling down in front of Olivia's grave at the cemetery. My gap and gown had gone home with Mom, but I still wore the flats and dress I'd had beneath, and ended up having to bend my knees behind me as I watched Onyx touch his palm to the cold stone.

"Hey, Mom." he whispered, tipping his head back a fraction of an inch, as if he were speaking to her from where she was now rather than where she was psychically. "I did it. I graduated."

His words caught in his throat and his voice cracked as he said the words, as if he wished more than anything for her to be beside him instead of six feet beneath him.

"I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you, Mom. Pushing me when I didn't even want to get out of bed." Onyx leaned over and laced his fingers through mine. "And Aurora these last few months. She made sure that I had this diploma in hand."

I smiled and rested my head against his shoulder.

"I know it's still fresh, and maybe that's why I think it's a good idea, but I'm going to go with Aurora to California for college. We'll be back for all the holidays. I'll still visit." he dropped his gaze to our hands. "But Amanda also reassured me a couple months ago that you were everywhere around us, not just here. You were in every beautiful melody, in every memory, in every hummingbird."

He let out a shaky breath. "You should be here Mom and it kills me that you're not. You missed my graduation. You'll miss my wedding. You won't ever get to meet my kids. I. . . some days I understand, I come to terms with it. Others I can't breathe. I wholeheartedly believe that you'll walk into the room at any second on those days, and when you don't, it hurts even more."

I reached out and rubbed Onyx's leg with a frown. "Nyx."

"It isn't fair." he choked on these words too. Once he'd recollected himself, he added, "She should be here, Sky! She should have been there to watch you walk that stage!"

"She was." I whispered, extending my hand up to brush his bangs out of his eyes. "She was there, Nyx. I have no doubt in my mind about it. She just wasn't visible to us."

He tore his eyes from the headstone and finally looked at me. I didn't bother to speak further or try to comfort him verbally. Instead, I wrapped my arms around him and allowed him to break in my embrace, more than ready to piece him back together once it was all out.

*

It was strange, standing in the middle of my room with all my stuff packed into boxes in and around my closet. Despite all my childhood stuff still lingering around with the furniture, it felt empty in a way I couldn't explain. Onyx had never unpacked what he'd taken from his room in his house next door. His father had Mom go through Olivia's belongings a couple months ago, but Onyx had only a duffel bag with a photo album to his name. Mom promised that all his mothers stuff would be in the garage whenever he was ready to go through it, but he'd refused and slammed the door in her face.