the distance of our souls

Chapter IV- A Feeling

A few days going by, feeling very attached to august had me overthinking. I really was hoping i just didn't love her like that, also yet feeling so torn to feeling like i need to and want to soo bad. 'But why would i? Everyone i love doesn't love me back and hurts me. She doesn't even know i like girls. Well, Raven doesn't technically count or..' Thoughts swarmed my head everyday.

Whatever.

The days went on in our friendship. A lot of the days she wasn't the happiest. So i decided, i'd come up with ideas and different ways to comfort her. I had started up a few poems! Attempting to show my empathy and support in each one. It felt so easy to help her and give her my support.  I also started doing research on ways to calm her down during hard times!!

I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to feel that from her more.
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The more and more time that passed, i finally admitted to myself that, i really liked august. i had a crush on her in fact. I loved how she looked, her beauty was miraculous, her personality was like chocolate ice cream. The things we had in common made my life feel like a completed puzzle, it all fit so well. Same with the thought of making poems with the love i've been meaning to use. Same with comforting with the things i've been meaning to say. I admitted it.

'I love her.'

The anxiety took over my body, i felt lost. I didn't want to be hurt. But at the same time she felt so worth risking myself for.

August was a beautiful girl.
-She had beautiful hair
-She had a beautiful smile
-She had a beautiful heart
-She carried a beautiful soul
-She had the best humor
-She had beautiful understanding
-She had beautiful eyes
-She had a beautiful name.
Oh she had(has) it all.

I couldn't have imagined my life without that girl knowing we had only been talking for two months barely. I wanted to tell her how i felt. I needed to.

I got the idea however, to start calling her the names i wanted to. I had always loved her like a love, so i started calling her "My love." I really started to understand how i actually wanted her to be my love. But it wouldn't hurt me to call her that, especially if i don't specify what i mean by it.

I leaned towards calling her darling too, wanting to give the point as to how she was considered beautiful and precious to me. How she meant everything to me, even as just a friend. Just a friend. The words would echo inside my head for days. Knowing i rejected her and kept her as my friend, it hurt to think about how we were now that i had finally accepted my feelings i had for her.

Rejecting August was something i regretted early in our friendship. Especially remembering how she said she would probably move on quickly, shattering my heart knowing it was such a stupid impulsive decision i made. I just couldn't risk it , i wasn't ready. But i definitely knew that i also wasn't ready to lose her completely. I had a chance, right?

Maybe.

I just wanted this girl. I wanted to love her so badly. It hurt, it made me sick to the bones. I was desperate to apologize and say it any second of any day, but something kept holding me back.

'Did she really move on?'

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