the distance of our souls

Chapter XX- The Big Step

        I was 25, and i was ready to bring life into the world, life made from me and my girlfriend. Life that costed a fortune to make. I was ready. They put me through all kinds of pumps and machines to make this happen, i was terrified that something bad would happen.

Every day trying to find out whether i was pregnant or not terrified me, and it took two tries before i managed to have my egg fertile. I was pregnant, with a child that had me and my wife's DNA. Oh my gosh. I prayed every single night for the first few weeks, begging God that my baby would make it. I was so scared, i was worried that not even i would make it through the pregnancy. I mean, though i always wanted to have kids, i always, always was terrified of problems during labour, i didn't want to risk losing either lives, more my child's. August reassured me, it would all be okay. I knew that. I was just really scared though and i was overthinking it. 'But it's gonna get better, it'll be worth my baby, right? Oh i hope it's a girl.' I repeated in my head over and over. Days felt like weeks for the first month.

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4 months in, months felt like days now. The sickness and the trail of the trimesters made even my wife go insane. Life felt too difficult, and the bump made me awfully insecure for some reason, though it was a baby living inside me. Whatever, it's these stupid, goofy, annoying hormones. She always told me otherwise though.

In the middle of my fourth month, we also went to have the gender reveal ultrasound. The stuff they put all over my belly tickled a lot. We received the news.

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7 months in, we were close. The nursery was half in our room and half in the room next to us. Pink. We decided we'd name her Valerie, a name August had always had a passion for that name since she was young, and i loved it. I was thrilled and beyond when i figured out it was a baby girl, a girl i'd always desired. However, it did make it feel a little more scary, because if i lost this baby, i lost the daughter i'd been waiting for my whole childhood. I wished i wasn't so scared, i was just awfully sensitive. My wife, though made me feel so much better every single day. She provided many acts of service, all the physical touch i needed, and so much support along with it all. I felt so grateful she was there, i couldn't have done this alone for anything. It was horrifying, if i didn't have her to calm me, distract me, and help me remember how the situation was good and not bad, i don't know where i'd be.

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9 months and a quarter, my baby was overdue for a week. I'd been hospitalized, and they induced my labour and broke my water. Valerie didn't budge, it was the most painful experiences i'd ever gone through, even induced with all the drugs and everything they had to offer. I was suffering, it was nerve racking . Aj held my hand though, i often squeeze it as hard as i could during contractions.

Within a few hours, i finally was dilated, the moment i dreaded the most. I was terrified of the pain to come, but i looked at my beautiful wife, absorbing some sort of confidence in myself to commit and just try my hardest. It came time to push, i never had squeezed a hand harder than August's since then, surprisingly her hand was okay. But i definitely didn't feel that. The first push wash the worst, then second one was the biggest, and the by the time it came time for me to push one last time, i pushed with everything i had with tears and screaming of curses and pain, and with that, i heard her cries. August broke down in tears. She kissed my sweaty forehead and hugged me. Oh my gosh. "Lucy, you did. You did it." Aj cried as she grabbed the scissors to cut the umbilical cord, then she cut. I couldn't move, i was so tired. I held my baby after she was cleaned n swaddled. She was beautiful, so very beautiful, you could see both me and August in her, and it made that baby perfection.

After these days of post pregnancy, i finally was able to take my healthy baby home for the first time. Life felt unreal. August had been the best wife this journey, i knew she'd be the best mom. The most loving. I loved her so much. I loved our baby Val, and her mom Aj. I loved the life we brought into the world, and i thanked God for giving me such a blessing.

Valerie, sweetie, please always remember you are wanted in this life. I love you. -mami🤍

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