the distance of our souls

Chapter VII - What's Love?

Trigger warning‼️ This chapter is the saddest one in the whole book, i apologize for it to make you feel bad or bring back memories you probably didn't want, but trust the ending 🤍 I felt like this was really important in our relationship, and proof that we both fuck up, and that is okay🤍
Stay strong for me baby, and that everything is forgiven and moved on from, nothing to stay with. You're soo much better now, and i love you soo much.

      Shattered, everything felt completely shattered inside me. I don't understand? Why would she do this to herself? I asked myself repeatedly over and over while she acted like it was all so normal. I was terrified, she sounded like she was going to be the type of person to die in her twenties, she sounded so sick. My soul was broken into a million pieces, making everything feel numb. I just can't understand, why would she??? The girl i trusted with my whole life, the girl i was so in love with and was desperate to know everything about her, had been doing all sorts of drugs behind. my back. Never once telling me, even after i noticed her change in behaviour and how she acted with me. She'd become rude, hurtful, sneaky, and so so addicted it had my stomach sick to the bone from my own deja vu.

At the end of November is when it all began, August and her friends i already hated with every bit in my heart, all thought it was a silly fun game to be the way they were with this shit. I was really upset and heartbroken that they could be like that, remembering it was just the same way as it was for me. I really don't want to go through this all over again. I don't, please can they just stop? Their coping is horrible. I thought to myself with a blade in my drawer, calling out my name. I felt so insecure, maybe if i was better, maybe if i was different she wouldn't have to do all this. Maybe if i just fix myself, show myself how to be perfect so August will stop this, will stop hurting me the way she is. She can stop right? This really hurts. Please stop. My mind spiraled with each thought, my body slowly bleeding out the pain from how i felt. All just because i couldn't be as good as weed. A heart sinking thing i wish i didn't have to feel.

I just thought she could've at least tell me herself, rather than me finding out from her best friend and being informed an unreal, shattering, sad number i couldn't even keep track of. All i wanted was to understand, why? I felt like i was apart of the reason she felt so bad which led her to her own things, same with her home life too, but it just wasn't enough for me to understand. Yet it was, but i still really wanted it to be different. August just didn't seem like she genuinely loved me unless her behaviour was off, meaning she only seemed like my lover when she was high, making me overthink every aspect of our relationship. Why did it feel like i was so unloved?  Being thrown from talking about our love and happiness together then getting hit with realizing the fact she wasn't even sober during half of it made me want to leave. I now realized she probably didn't mean any of it, which really sucked. I was praying and hoping my accusations weren't true, because.. what?

There was no way. I just felt bad, right? That's it, because i was done i wanted to leave her, i wanted to get rid of the love of my life because she wasn't the love of my life, she was mean, untrustworthy, no no, i hated her. August could overdose for all i care anymore, but i really hope she doesn't, that would be so stupid of her? If she even attempts to do that i'm going to get so upset, but it's not like i care. But i really don't actually want her to leave me. Please don't.

During the moments i was having alone to really sit and think over the situation i was in, i so desperately felt like i should've just left, never come back. Maybe she would stop of i left, maybe she'f try to chase after me and quitting her bad habits in the process. I wish it was all so easy. Why was i struggling with leaving?

Because i knew i wouldn't want to actually. I knew it wasn't easy, none of it was. 

August got her phone taken away in the middle of November, and as my heart was sunken and felt like it was bleeding, i decided i genuinely needed to give myself time away from August. I didn't want to hear her excuses, i was too mad, i didn't want to hear or see anything. I felt so alone pushing her away. She had gotten her friend's old phone to contact me, but i didn't want any of it. I wanted a week to myself where she didn't touch her drugs, and where i would decide what my next decision would become. I kneel August failed that, i knew everyday apart she wasn't stopping, which made me want to avoid her for longer.

But avoiding a girl like August, no matter how bad her mistakes were, she was unavoidable. I couldn't go a day without making sure she was as ok as one could be after getting offed and screamed at by her almost ex girlfriend.  What strange words i never thought myself thinking. I just wanted to be over everything, i didn't want her to be like this, i didn't want to be the way i was either. My thighs looked like a broken screen protector the past weeks of this nightmare.  Why can i be happy with just her and her cute laugh, and she couldn't just with me? Why did she have to be on something while with me to feel happy? I wanted everything to stop just as much as she probably did too.
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Getting sick and being sent to the hospital during these awful times just made my days worse, i wished i wasn't sick. I hoped she cared enough to worry about me, but realizing she probably didn't made me sob. My mind was extremely set to pure negativity and pain, making me feel exhausted everyday and unable to think. I spent everyday however, talking with my therapist about the situation , allowing myself to focus on myself , and to stop thinking so negatively. 

And as the time went on, August texted me, asking how much longer i needed to talk to her again. I'd been dreading it, holding back on it for a while. I just ended up telling her to give me one more day. Just one. Please, i just wanted to see something change.

Because i was so desperate for her to get better so we could stick together. I loved her. This was the time i genuinely recognized my love for her was sick, unhealthy even. It was unconditional, and though i felt and went through every bit of pain during my heartbreak, i realized i still wanted my August. There was not a chance i would let her go despite everything she put me and herself through. Because deep down, she was still the most beautiful girl, the girl that reminded me of a rose and the moon. She was still the sweetest girl to exist despite the hurtful things she said to me when she wasn't herself. She still
laughed, she clearly still loved me, though i wanted to refuse realizing that, it was clear she did.  Because, what is love? Love is the girl i'd laugh with while we played together, love was the girl i instantly clicked with, love was the girl who waited so long for us to happen, and love was my love and feelings with this girl. Love is me always wanting her to be with me for the rest of ny life, not dying young from overdose, not from breaking up with her because i felt like she didn't mean the love she gave when she was intoxicated, not her not being able to have a family, and not her getting sick. I needed August, and she made me realize that just from receiving her "good morning" & "goodnight" notifications. I remembered, she was a little girl who learned everything so young and doesn't know much better. And now, i realize how i'll love her no matter what, no matter how much i said i hated her, no matter how often i suggested leaving, no matter how upset i got, i wanted to grow and love her. August was not a screw up, she deserves forgiveness and another chance. August was a little girl, who i helped. August is the love of my life who i'll never leave, no matter how bad her and my life get. Because in the end, i never will want to leave a girl as perfect in my eyes of her, even if it means she isn't actually perfect. I want her to know, to me she is, and always will be. I want her to know, it's all going to be worth the low points in her life. I want her to know, i'll never leave like that again, and if i do it's guaranteed i'll come back soon.

I love you🤍

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