Double Jeopardy (SVU Fanfic)

15. Careful What You Wish For

*Ellie's POV*

"Fearlessness," my psychiatrist says, looking at my necklace. "You wouldn't happen to be Olivia Benson's daughter, would you?"

I nod slowly. "Shouldn't you have known that already?"

"Well I did talk to her a couple times a while back. About an assault. She had that necklace."

"When she was raped?" I ask, avoiding the necklace comment.

"No. Well...no. She went undercover as an inmate to catch a guard who was raping women. She was assaulted but not raped. Her backup in the prison saved her just in time. I probably shouldn't have told you that, but..."

I nod, relaxing a little. He seems pretty easy to talk to.

"So, we aren't here to make you forget your experience. This is to help you learn from, overcome, and be stronger because of it."

I nod again, looking down. "I just don't really feel anything anymore."

He nods. "Go on."

"I just...I was so scared and upset and I knew why I wasn't sleeping or eating right. Now...I have no idea."

"Just because you know it's over doesn't mean you'll instantly feel okay."

"I know. I just feel so numb in comparison now," I admit. "I don't like it."

"It takes time. Time to trust. To love, as corny as that sounds. To get back to your life. For awhile, you will look over your shoulder, be jumpy, moody..."

"Mostly, I've been quiet. Passive, if anything," I say.

He nods. "Has anything upset you recently?"

"People treating me like I'm about to break." I look up at him. "I want to be treated normal. People are constantly asking if I'm okay and, if anything, it isn't helping."

"It's hard. People don't get what you're going through."

"You're telling me."

"It's a learning experience for your loved ones as well as you. Now, who are these loved ones?"

"My mom. Her squad. My two best friends."

"Who is on her squad?"

"There's like 5 others on her squad. They're like parents to me."

Dr.Hayes nods. "You've just proved you have people to go to. Talking is difficult, but it helps."

"I'm definitely not one for talking. I'm more stubborn than anyone."

"Then write it down. Nobody has to see it. Nobody has to read it or understand it. It's a way to express your feelings without any response."

I nod, picking at the sleeve on my hoodie. "What if it doesn't?"

"Positive thoughts. You can't be thinking like that. It stunts your recovery."

"How do I stop the bad thoughts?" I ask. "All I ever do is have bad thoughts."

"Like what?"

"Well...um...okay. Before I got attacked, my best friend was abducted, raped, and...all that. After she was found and started recovering, all I could think of how I wished it was me!" I admit. I've told that to a couple people but I never flat out said I wished to be raped.

"You wanted-"

"It's complicated. Her mom moved the family away so we can't hang out all the time like we used to anymore. Once she was gone, I realized how real things my mom dealt with at work were. I had nightmares. I was so scared. My mom was right. She told me it actually happening is better than it almost happening, because you don't have to wonder. I wanted it to be me because then she wouldn't have had to leave. My mom couldn't leave because of her job so everything, eventually, would go back to normal."