Quandary ~Johnnyboy, Stevepop, Dal-Bit

and lows.

December 25th, Christmas Day
Soda's POV:
It's twelve in the morning and I'm sitting on Ponyboy's bed crying about my confidence.

You would think Pony's my big brother the way he holds me.

"Soda, if no one has ever told you you're ugly, then why do you think that?"

I wipe my face for the one hundredth time.

"Because I just don't feel hot or whatever. I feel ugly. I've never really understood what page everyone else is on with me. I don't look like what you guys say I do." I tell him.

"What the hell do you see then? What do you see when you look in the mirror?" He throws me off of him and crosses his arms.

I lay by his side, staring up at the ceiling.
"Well, I have a butt chin, my nose looks weird at almost every angle, my eyes are too blue most people say that's scary, right? My eyebrows are thin and uneven, my eyes are small, my jawline looks unnatural, the way my eyelashes are only on the outsides of my eyes, my ears are really small, my hair is jet black, I don't have a skinny waist and broad shoulders like you and Darry, I'm built straight up and down. My dick is little. I probably smell like shit because I haven't showered since school got out."

"Soda that's not good. That's five days." He sounds upset with me.

"Oh shut up." I sit up and smile through my tears and wipe them again, "it's not like you would've really noticed anyway. No one notices anything about me." I slowly sink back into his bed.

"Soda, everyone loves you. We can't know things about you when you don't let us in."

"Well then for now you can all stay out. I don't need to be a bother." I look away from him. His face is too sad, so I don't need to look at him too long.

"Soda, are you on something?"

"I wish." I glance over at him.

"No." He taps my hand.

I pull away from him.
I don't remember the last time I gave Pony a hug?
I don't want to.

"What's wrong with you?" He frowns.

"Nothing, what's wrong with you?" I snarl back at him.

He grabs me by my hand. My nails are bitten and bleed.

He pulls back the sleeve of my hoodie, "what are you, scratching yourself?" Yes, I do scratch myself and I bang myself against things too for the bruise. I get to play with it later. Relieves myself.

"Okay and if I am what are you gonna do about it?" I cry.

He swallows.

"Cause you can't tell anyone. I'm telling you that now." I snatch my arm away from him.

"Does Steve know?" He asks.

"No, I've been cutting him off. I haven't even let him make out with me in weeks because I'm scared he'll see anything." I tell me.

"Soda, I think it would help you not to walk around convincing everyone you're okay. That's what Darry and Dally did. And they both have chunks out of their lives they wish they could change."  I hate the way he says my name like I have a real genuine problem.

"I just don't want to be a bother, Pony. Everyone else  has much bigger problems than not liking themselves. It's just stupid, ya'know? Y'all don't need to worry about me." I shrug.