Quandary ~Johnnyboy, Stevepop, Dal-Bit

thank you for the ocean

Thursday, January 2nd, 2025
Soda's POV:
So today is my first day at therapy. My therapist is an older white man. You would think that since my dad is nearly one of these I'd be thrilled.
I'm not.
Elder people are very conservative. And I don't mean religious or political, at least that's not the part I'm worried about. I mean homophobic.

"I'm Oliver Russell, but you can call me Olive." He reaches out to shake my hand.

I glance at it as I shake it and sit back down.

"I'm Sodapop Curtis, but Soda is what you can call me." I tell.

"So, to me you are a stranger right now. Tell me why you're here. And I don't want to hear, 'my parents forced me'. I want to know, why they want you here then. And with that you can tell some more things about you. Like your family and yourself, what you usually or used to enjoy doing."

"I'm seventeen. I have a little brother, a big brother, my mom and my dad. I'm here because I have very low self-esteem and I don't really like who am or what I look like. But ever since school got out, I think that was like a week before Christmas. I haven't been about to do anything for myself. Because it's just hard to move and live feeling worthless every day."

"So did this start when school got out or worsen?"

"It worsened, a lot. Because I didn't have any work to distract me or convince me to be fine."

"Okay, it's great that you went ahead and told me that last part. You find comfort in keeping yourself busy." He smiles, "but if being out of school was worsening when did this all start?"

"Not really a specific moment happened. But like sometime when I started becoming self aware, so a few years I guess, I realized that I don't see many positive qualities in myself emotionally or physically. And people always tell me I'm attractive, but I, myself have never thought that."

"I talk with people like you everyday. Their peers say they're this and that, but they can't manage to see it. And after I get where I'm going with this you're gonna think I'm just some bum grandpa that doesn't know what he's talking about. But when people say positive things about you. Believe, every, word. I don't care if it's your worst enemy. You breathe in what you hear, and when you breathe it out the mirror will take on a new shape."

I do look at him like he's a bum grandpa.
That's way easier s-

"Now that's easier said than done, of course. But really, everytime you get a compliment. Take in it and place it into your soul and it will drive away your heaviness." He nods, "moving on, what do you mean by 'I can't do anything for myself'?"

"My parents have to help me shower, brush my teeth, and eat or I won't. Because I feel so disgusting but I'm so unmotivated and too physically tired to do it."

"Do you have many friends or maybe a lover? Like other supporters that can help you when your parents aren't around."

"I have my little brother, and a bunch of very close friends that care about me a lot. We're all brothers too."

"Okay, great. Do you have a lover? Or someone that's personal to you like a best friend?"

I feel my face turning to stone and all the emotions in my body run from each other and I go numb in my heart.
I break eye contact with Olive.
"I broke up with my lover. We had only been dating since May, but I've known him since Preschool. He's was my best friend always. I really love him."

He hands me a tissue. "I can tell he really holds a spot in your heart. May I ask, when did you break up with him? And why?"

"I broke up with his Christmas Day. And it was because I don't think he deserves to deal with me being depressed or dragging him down all the time. And I don't regret breaking up with him, but I miss him more than anything."
I play with the stupid bracelet we made in sixth grade at a summer camp. It has a little coke bottle and a 'S' right beside each other. Because we were Soda and Steve.