Curious Jealousy- a F!Shenko Fic

Chapter Nineteen: Desperation

There was one way that Shepard knew that would help her bury the memory of the last visit to the Citadel.

That was shooting bad guys.

Kaidan had insisted that it wasn't goodbye, but…well...he wasn't aboard the Normandy was he? Doctor Michel had sent her a message when she released Kaidan. He wasn't on the Normandy- that was all that mattered.

Of course, she wasn't either.

No, she was on Tuchanka- feeling the tremors from the mother of all Thresher Maws. The damn thing had to be massive in order to shake the ground like it did. Normal Thresher Maws were a bitch to deal with, but this…this was a whole 'nother scale.

She cursed herself. Kaidan had said that the first time the Normandy had landed on the Citadel…when he implied that she was a beautiful woman.

Damn.

"Shepard, look," Garrus said in surprise, pointing ahead of them.

"It's…it's green," Shepard whispered, walking towards it.

"I didn't think there was any left on Tuchanka," Garrus said in wonder as he reached out to touch a leaf.

"What you're seeing," Eve explained through the comm, "Is hope- hope for Tuchanka and for the Krogan.

Shepard said nothing as she looked over all the plant life. She was in awe at Eve's outlook on something so trivial- something as simple as a plant.

"How can something that you haven't seen give you hope?" she asked after a minute.

"Because it exists- it has been seen. The fact that it remains, despite the nuclear was, is cause for a belief that things can turn around.

"Things that have been seen, touched, heard, or tasted can all lend themselves to hope, Commander," Even explained.

James asked the question that Shepard refused to voice: "How do you tell the difference between hope and delusion?"

The comms were silent for a long minute. "It's a feeling you get in your heart- in your soul-…despite what your mind tries to tell you," Shepard said, surprising herself.

James looked at her in surprise, Garrus in understanding, and asked, "You speaking from experience, Lola?"

She shifted uncomfortably and shrugged. Garrus took pity on her as he said, "Sure she does. She hoped she'd beat Saren and stop Sovereign a few years ago; it was a delusion to think that the Council would pull their heads out of their asses and prepare.

As James chuckled, Shepard remained expressionless. "If you think about it, you really can't blame them, Garrus- it is pretty difficult to believe."

Garrus snorted. "We've dismissed those claims."

James, understandably, looked confused and shook his head. "D'you ever hope that you were wrong?"

Shepard gestured for them to move on. "Yeah. Problem was that I've been to Ilos, I saw Sovereign, and the Collector's blew up my ship and killed me."

"I guess that it was more of a delusion than hope then," James pointed out.

"Sometimes believing in a delusion is easier than accepting facts," Shepard murmured, again causing James to look at her in experience.

"Another experience?"

She gave him a forced smile that was believable enough for him (but not for Garrus) and joked, "Sure. I've deluded myself that you're a good marine- useful for more than flexing your big muscles."