Curious Jealousy- a F!Shenko Fic

Chapter Thirty-Six: Recording

Kaidan’s omni-tool flared to life, letting him know that he had an unread message in his inbox. Sighing, he set aside the datapad with the information on his students and opened the unread message.

To: Kaidan Alenko

From: Sender Unknown

Subject: Important Recording

Major Alenko,

In this message, there is a recording that was meant for you- save for the very end. Despite the time that has passed and the circumstances that occurred, it still only seems right that you are given the right to watch. I warn you that it is difficult to watch.

He had to admit that he was curious. After a few moments, he settled more comfortably on the couch looking out to the stars and pushed play.

Hope’s face from before her death looked back on him- the scar from her battle with Saren/Sovereign was there right above her eyebrow. Sweat shone over her skin and she looked more than a little worried. Her blue eyes bore right into his.

“Kaidan,” she murmured, her expression going soft and a small smile appearing. “This recording is a risk, I admit it. If the Brass listens to this, there’s a chance that you could get into trouble. I’m sorry about that, but I have a few things to say.

“I’m dying, Kaidan. Oh, I’m sure there’s a chance that I could live- the Alliance will fly in and save me at the last minute.

“While, normally, I would encourage such optimism, I’m pretty sure that these are my last minutes alive, so please bear with me.

“I’m running out of oxygen- I must have hit something and punctured the damn line.” She paused and gave a shuttering laugh that sounded so terribly desperate that it hurt Kaidan to even hear. “I can practically hear your voice in my head telling me to stop talking- not to waste my breath making this recording for you.

“Even were that not an issue, the planet’s gravitational pull is pulling me down- not to mention the fact that the concussion from the explosion sent me careening in this direction. I will never survive the reentry. That’s not fatalistic, that’s reality.

“There’s so much to say- things I wish that I’d already said. It seems like there’s never enough time. I just found you,” she paused and blinked rapidly in a refusal to cry. She closed her eyes for a minute and forced herself to laugh again. “I just found you and now I’m being torn away from you.” She took a rattling breath. “I love you, Kaidan. I never said it- I never let you know that- and I regret that. Maybe you don’t feel the same and that’s okay- especially now,” she chuckled, her eyes watering up once more. “Thank you for giving me that experience. Never before would I have thought that feeling would be possible.

“On a related note, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I forced you to leave- that I made it an order. I could see it in your eyes that you were willing to die in order to save Joker.”

Kaidan shook his head. That wasn’t what she had seen- not even by a long shot. He wiped his face clean of tears as she took several breaths on the screen. “You,” he murmured, “I was willing to die to save you.”

“I couldn’t lose you. The galaxy would be a much darker place if I had permitted you to stay and die. I’m also sorry that I’m dying. I’m sorry that you will mourn me.”

The recording fell relatively silent, aside from her increasingly ragged breathing and a few half-swallowed sobs.

The message had been right. It was difficult to watch.

“I’m running out of time, Kaidan. I can only hope to run out of oxygen before entering atmo. How horrible is that to say? I would rather die from asphyxiation than from burning up.” Her blue eyes closed and she took a few short, shallow breaths that turned into coughs. “Before I die, I’m going to ask you to do a few things for me.

“First, take care of the crew- especially Joker. It’s not his fault. He saved a lot of lives that might have otherwise died. He is a hero. Second, keeping looking for evidence on the Reapers. Finally, don’t mourn me. I chose my fate by my own free will. Be angry with me of you must, but don’t stop living. Don’t feel guilty because I ordered you away. Live.”

She coughed breathlessly. “It’s getting hot. It’s not a good sign. I’ve got to wrap this up- I don’t…want you to see me die.

“I love you, Kaidan. Stay safe…and have a good life. I’ll…always be watching over you.”

She whimpered and gasped helplessly. “End…rec…” she tried to say but broke off in a cough that seemed to rack through her entire body.

“I go in peace…to whichever god may accept me,” she choked out, her eyes seemingly focused on whatever was outside of her helmet, her face slowly turning red.

Her face contorted in pain; sweat beading even heavier on her face. “With open arms…I accept my death…with few…regrets.” Her eyes fluttered helplessly as she swallowed another whimper. “Forgive me…the wrongs that I…have done…and judge me only for my good.

“I die as nothing…more than what I was born…Hope Ann…Shepard,” she gasped out. “Just one…wish. Protect my crew and Kaid….” She broke off with another cough followed by a whimper.

The recording fell silent- not even the sound of her breathing- as her face relaxed and a single tear fell from her still open eyes.

Kaidan buried his face in his hands. This was worse than anything he had ever expected. He wiped away his tears.

“Where did you get that, Kaidan?” Shepard asked from behind him. He turned around and looked guiltily at her. “I never wanted you to hear that last part- even now. I never wanted you to watch me die.”

He stood up and looked at her. He could see the pain in her eyes as she stared at him. He wondered how long she had stood behind him and watched her recording.

“Someone sent it to me,” he admitted.

“When?”

Kaidan stood there confused while she walked past him to the observation port. “Today.”

She laid her hand against the cool glass before resting her forehead on it. “D’you know what the last thing I saw was?” she questioned quietly.

He remained where he was. “The stars?”

“They say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die- the good and the bad. The last thing I saw before I took that last shuttering breath was your face- the hurt, acceptance that came over you when I ordered you away.”

“What actually….”

“Killed me?” she finished for him. “Lack of oxygen and the heat from entering atmo.” She turned around and gave him a smile that almost seemed genuine. “You were supposed to get that recording relatively soon after that.”

Kaidan gave her a small smile. “I’ve got it now, though.”

As she walked by him, she paused and squeezed his arm. She looked up at him with a teasing expression that instantly made his heart leap. “Don’t let it go to your head that you were the last thing I thought about before dying, Major.”

He raised an eyebrow and smirked at her. “Always, Commander, always.”

She released him and was just about to leave when Kaidan reminded her, “Don’t forget about our date.”

“Never,” she promised just before leaving.