Curious Jealousy- a F!Shenko Fic

Chapter Twenty-Two: Coup Pt. 3: Choice

The debriefing room was deafeningly silent as they all waited for Shepard- who was five minutes late. Never before had Kaidan understood the saying deafeningly silent, but he did in that moment. He felt as though everyone's eyes were on him…accusing him.

He moved his eyes from the floor to his hands and tightened them into fists- trying to rid himself of guilt. He felt responsible- of not for his…relationship (Is that what it is? Are we a thing?), Ash might still have been alive and he might have been dead.

No.

Shepard didn't make decisions like that (he had to keep repeating that to himself so that he believed it). Alliance protocol stated that a superior officer was always first priority…and Kaidan outranked Ashley. Shepard made the right call according to the Alliance.

The door to the debriefing room opened to reveal Shepard. To Kaidan, it looked like she was barely holding herself together. Oh, she put up a good enough front (he doubted that anyone else could see the fragility of her façade), but he had spent many hours memorizing her expressions and body language.

…he hoped that it wasn't as creepy as it sounded in his mind….

"Commander," he greeted, rising.

She looked at him apologetically- her blue eyes begging him to understand (understand what, he was unsure). She plastered on a smile that, had Kaidan not known her, looked real enough as she took her seat.

After taking a few minutes to study her squad, she sighed. "So, Saren got away." She paused, pursing her lips momentarily. "We lost a valuable member of our team today. Ashley Williams was one hell of a soldier and she was a good friend. She gave her life to save the rest of us."

"She was a hard person to get to know," Garrus said quietly, staring down at the floor. "Very xenophobic…but she was coming around." He looked up and straight at Shepard. "Even asked me how I kept the Mako so well calibrated."

Shepard looked like she was having a hard time swallowing for a moment. It was obvious that she hadn't realized that Ash had been trying to expand her horizons…

…because Ash knew that Shepard trusted and respected the aliens on her squad.

"I even heard her talking to Tali about possible upgrades for Tali's shotgun," Garrus added.

Liara gave a sad smile. "She talked to Wrex and me about what it was like to live such long lives."

Shepard's hand tightened into fists and she closed her eyes. "This is another reason that we need to end Saren as soon as we can. He cannot get away with killing her."

Kaidan stared at her silently, forgetting about everyone else in the room. "But why me? Why not her?" he asked quietly.

She looked at him, startled. "Kaidan, I…this is a discussion that we will have later…in private."

….

Kaidan paced restlessly in front of the door to Shepard's cabin, and he was receiving more than a few strange looks from soldiers in the mess.

He was torn.

Part of him still thought of her as Commander Shepard- complete badass and the Alliance's Golden Girl (and who the hell, in their right mind, would question her?). On the other hand, a part of him thought of her as Shepard- a woman who couldn't dance, didn't have an ounce of vanity in her, and who reserved a special smile just for him.