Curious Jealousy- a F!Shenko Fic

Chapter Fifty-Four: Losing Hope

Things had been going so well.

The relationship between Kaidan and Hope had been going well.

There had a long string of missions that ended well. Kaidan watched as Hope started to relax enough to get a whole night’s sleep.

Even after they had saved one of her old squad mates, Samara, that had lost one of her daughters, Shepard had seemed okay.- not great, but okay.

Until Thessia.

Kaidan had stayed up in the helm as Liara and Javik accompanied Hope down to the planet’s surface. He had listened as Liara’s beliefs were slowly ripped away by the Prothean. He had watched as Shepard almost lost her life thanks to Kai Leng.

He had rushed down into the cargo bay to greet them- well, Shepard, anyway. Javik was the first out, followed by a tearful Liara.

Then no one else.

This was a point where he had to figure out exactly what he was supposed to do. There were two options. 1) He could go into the shuttle and listen…or at least hold her (which was what he really wanted to do). 2) He could wait out in the cargo bay until she was good and ready to come out.

He thought back to everything he had watched and heard from the mission and decided that option two was the best bet- not one that he was happy about, but it was what Hope would want.

James eyed him wryly from his bench before deciding to walk over to him.

“You’re not going to go in there to get her?” he asked, scratching the back of his neck uncomfortably.

Kaidan took a deep breath before saying, “No. This is a situation where she’s not going to want any coddling or reassurances. She has to come to this on her own terms.”

James shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Has she always been like that?”

“Let me give you a piece of advice, James. When you’re with a woman who was born a leader and fights like hell to do the right thing and save people, you don’t go to her and coddle her. You stand close enough that, if she wants, you can be a shoulder for her and far enough away that you’re not smothering her.”

The two men stood together in silence for a while before James made his way back to his workbench.

It was a good while after that before Shepard walked from the shuttle in nothing but her under armor clothes. Her red hair was filthy from dirt and the blood of two species- both hers and the Asari’s. Her face was marred from scratches she probably got when the floor gave out from underneath of her. The expression that she was wearing, however, was the one that hurt Kaidan’s heart the most. It was the look of complete and utter defeat.

As Kaidan made to step towards her, she held up her hand and shook her head.

Without another glance, she made her way to the elevator and left Kaidan standing in the middle of the cargo bay, unsure of how to help her. He glanced over at James who jerked his gaze back down to his bench. After Kaidan heard Shepard enter the elevator, he gathered her armor and laid it in front of James.

“Clean and repair this for the next mission,” Kaidan ordered, trying hard not to think about the scorch marks that were present.

James nodded his head. “Can do.”

Kaidan didn’t bother thanking him as he made his way to the elevator to wait for Hope in her quarters. She would break down eventually, and he needed to be there for her.

After an hour or so, Shepard finally walked into her quarters and went straight into the shower. Kaidan decided to let her shower alone- in peace. Had it been any other time, he would have joined her. But, alas, it wasn’t any other time.

He used that time to figure out what he was going to say to her.

By the time she exited her bathroom in her normal casual wear, he hadn’t thought of too much.

“Major, what can I help you with?” she asked, her former defeated look smoothed out into one of expressionless.

Kaidan shook his head and frowned at her. “Hope, sit down,” he murmured gently, gesturing to the spot right beside of him. After looking blankly at him for a long moment, she chose a spot as far away from him as she could.

“It’s not your fault,” he informed her.

Shaking her head, she closed her eyes. “I lost the catalyst, Kaidan. How is that not my fault?”

Kaidan scotched closer and fought against the urge to pull her closer. “It’s Cerberus’ fault and it’s the Asari’s fault, but it is not your fault.”

“I should’ve been able to defeat Kai Leng, Kaidan. You don’t understand.” She took a deep breath. “He was N7- we’ve had the same training. He enlisted the same year as me- he was two years younger.”

“Was he in your N class as well?”

Shepard picked at her pants. “No. He completed his N7 training before I was even invited. However, he managed to be stripped of his rank in the same year.”

Despite all of the rumors and when she was with Cerberus, her N7 rank had never been revoked. Kaidan hadn’t even been sure that an N could lose their rank, so he was sure that whatever Leng had done had been pretty bad.

“Do you want to know what I think?”

“Not really.”

He rolled his eyes. “The Illusive Man had Leng implanted with more upgrades. That’s all. That doesn’t mean that he’s better- it just means that just means that he had to have more tech in order to beat you.”

Shepard sighed and leaned into Kaidan. “What’re we going to do now, Kaidan?”

“Well, you’re going to kill that bastard and save the galaxy.”

“You say that like it’s simple.”

Kaidan pressed a kiss into her hair and wrapped an arm around her. “Maybe not simple, but it’s what’s going to happen.”