Redemption in ashes

Ch8 Fatherless heart

This day was the moment I regret the most, If I had just been obedient and listened to mom when she said later maybe that perfect family drawing would have become a reality, but I ruined everything!

[2008]

Little Dahlia wanted to make her mom happy. At that time when she was nine years old, she wasn't aware of their family's problems or financial situation, but she knew her mom was quite in a bad mood these Days, both her parents were always arguing during the whole pregnancy of her twin siblings. She thought a beautiful drawing would lift her mother's spirits.

"Mmm, that's perfect. I should just add the sun" the nine year old Dahlia said while she was drawing.

Scripting on the paper with enthusiasm, her pen colors were scattered around the car. Sitting in the backseat, she was totally focused on her drawing. The car window was slightly open, and the summer breeze was entering the vehicle. Everything seemed colorful to the little girl.

Dahlia cherished her mom's car when she was growing up. Her favorite part was riding, in the backseat with the window down, the feeling of the wind in her face was so enjoyable. The car was a bright red and small almost resembling a toy car, while the interior was a bit worn, the exterior had a charming, adorable look to it. Those joyful rides in her mom's little red car hold fond memories from her childhood.

Little Dahlia wasn't good at drawing but she loved it simply because it was a way for her to direct all her stress and negative energy onto the paper.

The tip of her pencil flicking over the paper as she drew what she imagined as the perfect family. In her mind this family didn't include her father. It was hard for her to think of him as simply being a man, he was more than that, he was painful and baffling. The idea of her father being next to her, used to fill her with joy, but while the years passed, everything changed.

The more she reflected on her childhood, she became highly conscious of how her father slowly, succeeded in ruining even their best times.

His violent bursts of emotions made her feel less than zero, at least she know where she got her bad temper from. Many times she found herself asking how he managed to get her mother's acceptance for so long. Was it for love, or was it because she fear him? Or maybe her mother had her own demons preventing her from leaving? As she mused such questions in her mind, it only left her confused even more!

Adoring her father was easy to Dahlia as she did like any other daddy's girl at that young age. He wanted to keep that love intact, wanting to believe that he could be that father she wished for, but reality kept shattering her efforts.

With she matured, she start seeing the world through clearer eyes, She understood that being a father was not just about passing your DNA. Rather, it was about care and attention, unfortunately, he often chose to be absent.

Dahlia always remembered the important periods of her life, when he had not been present. Such as when she was bullied at school by her peers who found it amusing and laughed at her, All she craved was for him to reassure her, Rather she felt abondoned, like a flower slowly dying.

Also the school events and competitions, those fun and lively parties, where every kid had someone to cheer for them. It was that warm feeling of support that Dahlia craved most in the audience. Someone who would yell out her name in happiness. But every time it was only her. She was not foolish, and every victory she achieved felt like a hollow accomplishment, especially without him there to recognize it.

Dahlia also often daydreamed until she noticed a torturing question in her heart, why did her father marry her mother, if he didn't want to be with them? It was a thought that always stuck with her, day after day, even when she tried to ignore it.

She heard stories to of his own distressing childhood and his past misery but that wasn't an excuse to run from his responsibilities.

Somewhere in her heart, he was there, the love, the time which was never spent, which could have been shared. To much could have been done if he had made the choice to be present and active in their lives, or at least just her life.

She wore a brave mask intending to do the right thing and look ahead. However, even though she was trying hard to be strong, an inexplicable void remained within her. There were such instances that pierced through her heart, whenever she saw other kids playing and laughing with their fathers it was a poignant reminder that dad never wanted her.

Even though she despised that feeling, fractions of her, wondered how it would have been to have that kind of fatherly love as a little girl.

"Finally, I'm done! Mommy, look!"

Nari was driving, but she was lost in her thoughts and didn't notice her daughter talking to her.

Dahlia got closer to her mom's ear. "MOMMY, look at my drawing!" Dahlia screamed.

Nari gasped in pain from her daughter's sudden scream. She rubbed her ear. "Uggh, I told you many times not to scream in my ears, Dahlia!"

"Okay, please look. Rate it from zero to ten." she said in an excited, childlike voice.

"Not now, I'm driving. I'll rate it later." Nari gave a soft smile to her daughter through the mirror, not knowing that this would be the last sincere smile Dahlia would receive from her mother.

"Please, just take a look." In a sudden moment, Dahlia covered her mom's sight with her drawing....

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