TOAW : Hillary : How to Decieve a Nightingale

Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Matured content, Trigger warning

"Nostalgia." The woman with rough rimmed glasses flipped through her books. Hillary lays down on the couch,blankly staring at the bright light of the bulb atop the ceiling. She gives a silent side eye as she settles comfortably.

"Nostalgia? I didn't know that's a psychological disorder." Hillary says in a mocked tone.

The young therapist could only innocently raise her brow and hum before going back to read on her books. "You keep on linking yourself with the past no matter how you've struggled to get past by it. You do not romanticize the people you go back to. You romanticize the forgotten experience to what it feels like to be with that person again." She hears those words as it someone struck into her deeply. Hillary awkwardly laughs to ease her tension.

This wasn't her idea at all. Visiting a therapist was not her damned idea yet she still went. She had all the people to talk to but faith seemed to have its little miracle. Hush gave her a card,linking her to his lover's psychiatric office. Lydia, a bubbly looking woman. She might've misjudged his older brother's taste in women. The guy had his ideals with big boobs and butts but this one was clearly different

The woman settles down on a comfy chair infront Hillary. "It's always okay to look into the past but going back to the person who did you wrong, just because you miss the feeling of being with that person. Is wrong. It's unhealthy." She said softly and Hillary could only sigh.

"I regret it." Hillary finally said.

"Pardon?" The therapist blinked and tilted her head.

"I regret going on that reunion." Hillary mumbled, hating on remembering that unfaithful day. She didn't want that incident replaying in her head but as she thinks it through. It was that event that led it all to this.

Hillary's eyes watered as she bitterly laugh at the memory. "Everything after that. It ruined everything but I can only blame myself for that decision."

"I had her." Hillary's voice breaks as sees Nefetari in her mind.

"I feel so stupid and insensetive. She was right there, she..." Regret and frustration loomed over her voice. She never felt so vulnerable and open to anyone. She would talk to her friends about it, get shaded on by her family and friends for what she did. She brushed it off but deep down it was agony. They kept reminding her of what she had down but she wouldn't blame them for that. She knew wat she did. Hillary had dug her own grave and she is able to tell who would bury or simply not attend.

Hillary hears some scribbles, it was a tell tale that the woman was writing down some important notes. "Why did you keep coming back to him? Why did you go back to him?" She asked. She hated how the woman's voice was too soft as if the questions were not scraping deep within her.

Hillary shook her head. "I don't know. I'm too old to say, I was manipulated." She bitterly laughed. She knew proudly she's smart enough with things, she didn't know how that man slithered himself back like a parasite.

"Did you want that to happen?" The therapist asked her once again.

"I...I never wanted to betray her." Hillary's voice was broken and hushed.

Hillary's voice shaked, she wanted to laugh to enlighten the heavy feeling but she was amidst her break down. "But when I woke up beside that man, knowing I indulged on that sin. That I let that man touch me. I feel undeserving for her. I felt so dirty, that even when I scrubbed myself until I bleed a little, that feeling never goes away."

"I missed him, the feeling was temporary. He lured in, h-he was s-slowly stripping me. I missed the feeling of talking to him, It felt nice. Then it somewhere else." Hillary continues to speak to the woman. The sound of the ceiling fan was noticed. It was serene and traquil in this certain place but Hillary wouldn't say it's comfortable. It was lonely.

Hillary's voice was chilling, she knew what she did and she had done. The damage was alrady been done. Hillary could only regret it as the memories of her fucked up decisions made her desperate today. No one could pull her up from the dark hollow. She could barely see the light when she lost her, she settled embacing darkness as her comfort.

"He forced himself on you?" Thatquestion made Hillary think for a good while. She was indulged and under the influence, her bare reason to be close to him that time was to speak with him, to be friends. To make sure she's not entirely a bitter person to think of the man as dead. Yet Hillary could've stopped that. She never should've tried to be friendly. Hillary's sighed as she kept on remembering that indifferent touch.

"I don't know." She softly say and shook her head, she didn't like what happened but she cannot properly say the man had assaulted her. She was out of thought but Hillary was defiance. She didn't want to look weak.

The woman nodded her head. She gripped tight on the ballpen before writing it all down. The sound of the tip of the pen against the note made a soft crispy scrib."The next days, you said you yearned for him. You keep asking for him." She said.

Hillary cursed and gritted her teeth. She hated being reminded of that. "Because I couldn't let her touch me, I figured going to that man again and again. I didn't know what I was doing and whose trace I am erasing in my body. I felt guilty, too guilty I was afraid if she knew she would mock me, she would hate me."