After all I still love you

Chapter three. Buck

We were woken up by the alarm going off there was a helicopter crash transporting a patient to the hospital, it was struck yesterday lighting. We are on the way to the crash sight to help any victims, if there is any. It's two in the morning but my adrenaline is keeping me awake. I make eye contact with Bobby in the side mirror of the truck and he has this expression on his face that concerns me.

When we arrive at the scene there are a bunch of police cars and i mean a bunch. I have this gut feeling that it's not going to be good.
"Captain Nash, I'm Captain Tatum IC." The two shake hands and talk. Once Bobby was informed with the information he relayed the information to us.
"The helicopter that was struck by lighting and went down was a LAFD Air Operations. They were transporting a patient to a hospital from a house fire. They haven't heard anything from the pilot or co-pilot and we are going to search for them." Bobby explains. My heart starts to race when i hear it was a LAFD chopper.
"Who was flying the chopper?" Eddie asks
"Tommy Kinard." Bobby says, he looks at me and i can feel my stomach coming out of my mouth. I want to drop to my knees but i keep my composure. I can feel Eddie looking at me and i know he wants to sit this one out.
"Okay everyone you know your assignments, let's get to work. Buckley, a word." Bobby tells everyone. As Eddie walks away to go search we lock eyes with one another having a conversation with no words.

My chest hurts, it feels tight but i try not show it as Bobby asks me if i can do this, of course i can. I don't love Tommy like that anymore if he's dead then i can handle it. Yes i will be sad he was a good friend but I'm in love with him Eddie. Bobby pats my back as i join the search. The rain has lighting up but it's still dark and cold, the ground is mush underneath my feet. I see the main crash sight and it doesn't look good. All that remains is the skeleton of the chopper from where it caught fire. How could anyone survive this?

After hours of searching they found the bodies of everyone that was on the helicopter spread out, it looks like they tried to jump but the wind carried them and their parachutes didn't save them from the heavy winds. They were all dead. I was zoned out the entire time looking at the ground as the IC talked to us about something, Eddie tried to hold my hand but when i felt his fingers on my skin i brought my arms up and crossed them. His hands almost felt like scorching hot lava.
"Buck" he whispered but i ignored him.

The ride back to the station was a quiet one, no one talked or breathed. The air was filled with tension, Tommy was a firefighter like us but he was also once a friend to everyone, a lover to me. My chest kept having this stinging sensation like my heart was dissolving.
"Buck are you ok?" Eddie asks when he notices me rubbing my chest with my hand
"Yeah, I'm fine." I say in more of a tone than I meant it. Chim and Hen look at each other but i don't mention it.

When we get back to the station Bobby releases the shift early telling us to go home. I head to the locker room to get my things while Bobby talks to Eddie alone. Probably telling him to keep an eye one me so i don't freak out. I grab my stuff and head out to Eddies truck to wait for him since we drive with each other to work. After Bobby gets done talking to Eddie his car door opens and he gets in.
I can feel him looking at me with his worried expression he always gets when i go quiet, he goes to say something but his mouth closes when i lay my head against the window.

I opened my door getting out of the truck before Eddie even came to a full stop in the drive way, i closed my door a little harder than I meant to before i walked into the house.
"Buck." Eddie says as he shuts the door, locking it.
"I really don't want to talk about it Eddie." I tell him
"Talk about what exactly? Tommy or how you have avoided me?" Eddie asks
"Both." I tell him. I can tell that hurt him, his shoulders dropped and his eyes started to water. I felt terrible for saying that to him but my chest hurts.

The whole day it felt like the weight of the house was going to come down, i laid in the bed while Eddie stayed in the living room the sound of the video game and him slamming the controller on the table. I laid there thinking about the restaurant incident and how the last time we saw Tommy alive we snarled at him. Me and him never made amends.

Later that night when Eddie came to bed I couldn't bear it. We fought over who was going to sleep on the couch and he ended up being me. Which i rather have slept on the couch anyways. I didn't sleep anyways, how could i? I actually couldn't bear just laying in the quiet darkness. I put on my shoes and quietly exited the house.

I ran and ran and ran and ran. I had no idea where i was going to what i was doing. My chest felt like it was going to explode, tears stung my eyes or was it the sweat? I ran to the beach where i threw rocks in the ocean and gripped the sand out of anger as i fell to my knees sobbing. Why am i this upset? I thought i didn't love Tommy anymore, did I not convince myself enough?

I sat in the sand in till the sun started to peak over the ocean, today was the funeral. Should i even go?