After all I still love you

Chapter four. Buck/Eddie

Eddie POV

I sat at the table with a cup of coffee waiting for Buck to walk through the door, hopefully. He left the house last night around midnight, i heard him leave i didn't get any sleep last night. I should have chased after him but he doesn't want anything to do with me at the moment. Which is guess i should understand he just lost his ex-boyfriend to a helicopter crash. I feel terrible about the last thing i said to Tommy when he was alive and Buck probably hates me for that too.

I hear the front door open and he walks into the kitchen, he looks terrible and smells terrible too but i don't say anything about it.
"Where did you go?" I ask him
"Out." He responds grabbing a water from the fridge.
"Can we talk?" I ask him
"Can't. Have to get ready for the funeral." He says walking out of the kitchen.
I bite my lip in frustration putting my coffee mug down a little too hard.

Buck POV

I put on my dress down uninformed and put the black ribbon on my badge. When i walk out of the bedroom i see Eddie in his, we look at each other but don't say a word.

The drive to the cemetery was long and quiet, it was only an 45 minute drive but it felt like it took two hours to arrive.
"Evan Buckley?" A man asks as me and Eddie make our way to our seats
"Yes, that's me." I say
"I am chief commander Jones, i worked with Kinard at the LAFD Air Operations station. I was told you and Tommy were close?" He asks
I gulp in response "yes."
"And you work at the 118? Tommy used to work there." He says
"Yes" i say again
"Would you like to serve the honor and walk Kinards helmet down?" Jones asks. I felt the wave of emotions wash over me again.
"Ok." I say. I don't know why i agreed, is this what Tommy would have wanted? Is it what i want? I watch Eddie walk past us and sit over with the rest of the 118. They watch me as i walk with Jones over to the engine.

——

As i walk in front of the engine with my arms extended out in front of me with Tommy's helmet in them i feel like I'm holding the weight of him in my arms and i'm about to fall forward with it. The extent of the walk was only a 30 feet but it felt and looked like miles ahead. When we reached the front i placed his helmet on the stand and stood next to the bell as Jones began talking about Tommy. I looked at Eddie who kept his eyes on me the whole time, he looked fragile like if Hen poked him he would break into a million pieces.

I rang the bell then the guns were shot in respect to the fallen firefighter. We watched as his casket was lowered into the ground and his headstone was placed. As everyone payed their respects i stayed behind and waited for everyone to leave. I sat in the dirt and stared at his name as i let the tears fall down my face watching the dirt get darker from the tears.

Eddie POV

I leaned next to a tree as i watched Buck from a far distance sit at Tommy's grave. I want to know what is going on in his head. I know he is hurting but does he still love me?
"Hey how you doing?" I hear Hen ask coming up next to me. I shrug my shoulders in response because i don't know how I'm doing.
"He loves you." She tells me as she looks in the direction of Buck.
"Yeah, I'm not so sure about that." I tell her
"Eddie, you two have always been there for one another through thick and thin. The way that man looks at you. He's in love. And you love him." She tells me
"I do love him. But i think he might still be in love with Tommy." I tell her, she looks at me with her knowing I'm so sorry look.

After she leaves with Karen i force myself to walk over to Buck.
"Hey" i say. No response.
"I'm sorry." I say not to Buck, but to Tommy. "I shouldn't have acted the way i did at the restaurant. I hate that's the way we left. You were a good friend, Tommy."
Buck looks up at me, his eyes red and puffy from crying. I want to give him a hug but he doesn't want any form of physical attention so I'm forced to just stare back at him.
"Let's go home Buck." I tell him
"You can go. I'm going to stay here for a little bit longer." He says
"Buck." I say
"Just go Eddie." He snaps. I run my fingers through my hair and walk back to my truck.

Slamming my door shut i hit the steering wheel with my hands as i scream. My eyes filled with tears as i start my truck to drive home. When i get home I release all my anger. I grab a vase and smash it against the wall as i flip over the couch. I let my anger consume me. Anger at Tommy for dying and Buck still being in love with him. He's dead so why the hell is Buck still in love with him?

Buck POV

"I forgive you." I say
"I forgive you for everything. The undermining of my life and my ability to be a firefighter. I forgive you for cheating on me and blaming me for it. You were my first relationship who actually loved me and i loved you. Shit, i still love you. Why did you die?" I sob. Why am i forgiving this man for everything he's done to me? It hurts that he is gone and I can't have this conversation with him without hearing his side of it. I can only hope he can understand from where ever he is.

When i arrive home i open the door i freeze in the doorway when i see everything is smashed or flipped over.
"Eddie?" I call out. No response. Did he do this? Did we get robbed? I looked around the house and didn't see him. The only room that was untouched was Chris's.
"Eddie?" I call out again. I hear faint sobs coming from the bedroom. When i walk in I see him sitting on the floor with his knees to his chest. He looks up at me with tears in his eyes.
"Eddie are you okay?" I ask
"No." He says
"Were we robbed?" I ask
"No. I did this." He says
"Why?"
"You." He snarls
"Me?" I ask
"Yes. You don't love me anymore Buck." He says. My chest began to sting again, my heart feels like it's being ripped out of my chest.
"What? Eddie of course i love you." I say but even i don't know if that is true
"Don't lie to me Buckley. You haven't shown any form of affection towards me in weeks!" He yells
"Tommy just died!" I yell
"Your ex-boyfriend who broke you?!"
"I forgave him."
"Oh you forgave him? How sweet." He makes a face at that.
"I don't think this is going to work." I say. Eddie looked at me as he thinks about what i just said
"What?" He says
"Us. I don't think we are going to work anymore. I'm done Eddie." I tell him as i go to leave. "I'll get my stuff another day."
"Evan!" He yells but i shut the door behind me and get in my jeep.

Eddie POV

I think someone actually just ripped my heart out of my chest. I just watched the love of my life walk out the door and i didn't stop him. I just let it happen. I go to the kitchen and i grab a beer.