The Swap

Zachary 2.1

When I arrive home, I hang up my coat and immediately head to my room. There's nobody that's going to stop me anyways. I toss my bag onto the ground before sinking into my study chair. I don't study though. I once again feel like some rabid beast who needs to be calmed down again. Like a fire needing to simmer out. I try not to think about Damian, but I can't. I keep coming back to his worthless fucking face. My fists keep becoming tense before I force myself to calm down, over and over again. Even though he isn't watching me right now, I do my best not to cry. I won't let him get that victory over me. I won't let him defeat me and become a knight in shining armour.

Sometime later, around six o'clock, Sarah returns home. Her voice rings through the house just like the silence that follows her "I'm back!". I don't respond, but she doesn't find it unusual to be left in silence. Shortly afterwards, she knocks on my door and tells me dinner is ready: "We're eating takeout," she says.

As we eat, we don't speak much. I think she can tell I'm in a bad mood, so she spares me her work day shenanigans. Our elderly neighbour was right about feeling the need to worry about us. After a while, she finishes her food and leaves to her room.

I finish my food shortly afterwards but I don't stand up. My stomach feels heavy after the quiet meal. I look around the empty house; the more I do, the heavier my stomach gets.

The table is large enough for more than just two chairs, I resent.

Dammit, I won't let him defeat me. I clench my fists and look somewhere else - anywhere else.

Mom's smile looks right back at me from across the room. Her photo is barely recognisable. It's too far away, it's too dark, and my eyes are too blurry with tears. I just want her back.