My alarm goes off at eight o'clock in the morning. For a few seconds after I turn it off, I sit in bed and listen to the silence that permeates the house. I push away the guilt, get up and head downstairs for breakfast after putting on jeans and the school uniform. A bowl and spoon lay on the table, alongside a box of cereal. One chair hasn't been slid under the table properly - looks like she was in a rush - so I correct it and take a seat on the only other chair.
I look to the side at a photo above a dusty cabinet. I should cry, and I try to feel grief. Eventually the tears do manage to get out, but I'm not thinking about my late mom.
I finish breakfast and head upstairs to brush my teeth and do my hair. A little bit of water does the trick, and if it doesn't I can't be bothered to fix it with gel. Then I grab my bag without checking to see if I packed the right notebooks. It's probably correct, and I don't really give a fuck if they aren't.
When I make it to school I've forgotten the grief I felt in the morning. I make my way through the crowded schoolyard and corridors. Everyone still moves out of the way for me, scared shitless, except for this one girl.
"Good morning, Zach," she smiles as I walk by. It catches me off guard.
"O-Oh, hey."
Right, I bumped into her that one time. She said she was going to tell her friends I'm not that bad. That's a pretty big lie though. I'm a terrible person. I ignore the guilt creeping up my back.
The rest of the day goes by as usually as I wanted it to go. During the lunch break, I meet up with Evan and Sam at our usual spot under the tree. I get a weird sort of déjà vu but from another perspective, but I quickly whisk away that thought. Why does my train of thought keep going there? Thankfully, Sam's messing around is enough to take my mind off things. I make sure to enjoy the moment thoroughly to avoid leaving room for guilt in my mind.
The break ends and we re-enter the building. I've forgotten the grief again. As we walk up the stairs, Sam making jokes at Evan's expense and him shutting Sam up, I realise I keep forgetting that they're my friends. My friends, I feel hesitant to use that word, yet also entitled to. We make it to our classroom and wait against the wall, where people have conveniently made room for us, for me.
Suddenly, Emily, the girl from this morning - the girl I bumped into - walks by and waves at me. I wave back just in time, and immediately afterwards get bombarded with ridiculous comments from Sam. Have I made a new friend? All I had to do was be nice and clean up the mess I caused myself.
Before I can even process that girl walking past, someone else walks past and waves at me. It's Megan. I wave back and she waves at Evan as well.
Lastly, right after Megan walks past - the moment I've been dreading since yesterday - I see her. She avoids eye contact, but my gaze follows her down the hallway until she turns the corner. It must've looked like some stalker behaviour, or simping attitude - to be honest, I don't give a fuck because nobody has ever seen 'themselves' walk by themselves. There I go again... She's not me, we're not the same person anymore.
"Who's that you were looking at, Zach?" Sam asks, jokingly, yet interested.
I take a deep breath, exhale, let out the guilt and the grief, inhale, and say:
"That's Allison Par."
YOU ARE READING
The Swap
Teen Fiction"Where am I? This isn't my room. Wait, this isn't my voice, either! This isn't my body!" Allison Par is a timid girl. She just moved to a new town and her mom started dating a new man. Allison just wants him gone, but she's too terrified to speak up...
