The entire day, a grey cloud hovers over my head. Along with Megan, I try my best to be happy with this - to be happy with reality. I just can't shake off the feeling of being robbed. That bitter feeling of envy reminds me of two days ago. This must be how Zach felt when I told him my decision. The envy melds into the guilt I've already been feeling. Even after swapping back, that guilt persists. The more I think about it, the worse I feel.
I've been such a traitor to my entire life. Do I even deserve my life anymore? Or maybe my life is the punishment? This is how it should be then.
The class ends and I exit the classroom alone. Megan and I don't share this class, and I don't have Evan or Sam to accompany me either. Right, Allison Par doesn't have friends. I'm all alone.
"H-Hey," I hear a familiar voice say. I almost called it my own voice, but it's not anymore, and it was never meant to be.
I look up at him.
"Is that you, Allison?" Zach asks.
Just like when I spotted him the day we swapped, it feels like time freezes and everyone else disappears.
Zachary Marlowe stands in front of me. Brown hair, blue eyes, just like me, but he's a boy and I'm a girl. He's tall, but that might just be from my perspective. He looks so frustratingly like Zachary Marlowe, but not completely. His glare is inviting instead of intimidating; his posture is straight instead of slouched over slightly; his voice sounds soft instead of sharp and irritated. He resembles Zachary Marlowe to an uncanny degree, but he's not completely Zachary Marlowe.
"We're back to normal, right?" he asks after I nodded.
"Back to how it should be..."
"Do you happen to know what caused it this time?
If I did, I would've swapped us back again already.
"No, I don't."
"Well, it doesn't matter. Before I forget, does anything come to mind when I mention a girl who seems to know me all of a sudden?"
Oh right, Emily. I'll never get to talk to her again. I'll never get to be friends with her.
"That's Emily. She doesn't think you're a jerk like everyone else, so I guess she's kind of a friend I made recently..."
"Emily, okay... Well, I can roll with it. I wanted to talk to you in order to discuss what we do now."
"What the fuck is there even to discuss?" I ask bitterly.
He looks at me weirdly, "Are you okay?"
"Of course I'm okay! Stuck in this stupid body with a stupid stepdad and a stupid life!"
"H-Hey, that's not true," he tries to lie sincerely.
"Then why were you so adamant on getting back to your own life?" I snarl, "You hated this life for good reason! I hate it as well! I don't want to live this life! You said the exact same words and I felt pity for you, and now you can feel pity for me atop your winner's podium of a life!"
"Winner's podium? You're treating this like it's a game?"
"Why shouldn't I? You get to live as Zachary Marlowe! You've won! And I'm bitter about it, okay!? Bitter about losing! Even after all that work I did over the last month, living like you, I still lost! And to who? To you! You said it yourself: you don't even resemble Zachary Marlowe anymore! Why are you allowed to be him and not me!?"
"I don't know! I didn't do this! But all I do know is that I have always been Zachary Marlowe, and you have always been Allison Par, and we shouldn't be believing we're the other person! That whole swap was just an accident, okay?"
"Well, that accident has knocked over the flimsy pillar on which my identity stood!"
"How? You don't know who you are anymore? Is that what you're going to say?"
"Yes! I'm not Zachary Marlowe even though I was convinced I was him! And I'm not Allison Par, even though reality is trying to convince me otherwise!"
"Okay, but why do you have to cling to just those two people? Why can't you just be who you are right now? No acting like someone else, no living another person's life. You said it yourself: people change.
Neither of us are Zachary Marlowe or Allison Par anymore because those two people don't exist anymore; they've changed."
I let his words wash over me. I'm going to feel like such an idiot if I process and accept them- Why am I still fighting against myself!?
"B-But..." I can't formulate a retort.
"Why did you like being me?"
"Because... Because I had friends! More than just one! And I was able to make my own friend before having that friend ripped away from me!"
"You made a new friend by yourself, what's stopping you from doing it as yourself? In fact, Evan still likes you probably, you're still the same as yesterday!"
"Well, I also liked being you because I felt strong, okay? Strong and powerful and confident and free! No Chad to terrify me! No horny boy to harass me! No period to fuck me over! What do you have for that, Zach!?"
"Okay, fine, there's nothing you can do about being a girl, but what's stopping you from being free? Free and confident in yourself? Any horny boys that annoy you, just flip them off! You're swearing nowadays, you don't have to stop doing that just because you're in your own body again!"
"I don't- I just... I-"
"You missed your family, didn't you? Your mom and Liam. Aren't you happy to see them again?"
"No! Because he's also there!" I shriek. My voice feels so unfamiliar to use.
"T-Then... Then we'll get rid of him!"
"What?"
"We'll get rid of him! We'll tell mom - y-your mom - the truth. Expose that bastard."
"No we can't! You're just saying that because he can't hurt you anymore!"
"Not if I'm the one to expose him."
"B-But why would you... What are you talking about?"
"Look, let's discuss this after school when we have more time. I just... I've lived your life, so I feel like I know what it's like, and I don't want you to feel miserable... In a way, it's like I'm still living your life, since if you're miserable, I'll also feel bad about it. That's why I wanted to talk to you about what we're going to do from now on: we've swapped back, but I don't like the idea of cutting off all contact with each other since... well, y'know, we've been through this swap together so-"
"What you're trying to say is that we're friends now."
"Yeah, I guess that is what I was trying to say, but it just feels so corny," he sighs.
"It is kind of corny, yeah."
We've both changed to the point that we're both in between Zachary Marlowe and Allison Par; this conversation is like having a conversation with myself almost. His words really have stuck with me. I guess they were actually my own words, weren't they? People change, Allison Par and myself included. No, I should stop thinking that and just accept it, embrace it.
I'm Allison Par, always have been, always will be, always one and the same, always changing.
YOU ARE READING
The Swap
Teen Fiction"Where am I? This isn't my room. Wait, this isn't my voice, either! This isn't my body!" Allison Par is a timid girl. She just moved to a new town and her mom started dating a new man. Allison just wants him gone, but she's too terrified to speak up...
