Dainty and Dauntless

Drained:

I look at you and I think I love you, I really love you from the depths of nowhere. You look at me and I hope it lasts, but then you look away. Gosh, I hate you so much!

🌷🌷🌷

Natalie sat on the bed by the window in her dorm, absently stirring her tea as she stared out at the rain-slicked surrounding. Her reflection in the glass seemed distant, a ghost of her usual vibrant self. She was wrestling with emotions she couldn't quite name, feelings that muddled her thoughts and unsettled her heart. Every day with Ethan brought a whirlwind of mixed signals that left her confused and, increasingly self-reflective.
One day, he would send her long stares that hinted at something more, his greetings filled with a warmth. The next day, he would pull away, acting distant and nonchalant, as though their previous encounters had never happened.
Just the other day, Natalie had literature class and, Ethan, who didn't take that specific class had left. She had then taken her seat, prepared her notes and was patiently waiting for Mr. Hobbs to arrive and get the lesson started. She kept reading through her poem extract for the day when Ethan came to the room,  glanced at her for a second, looked around the room and headed for a seat. 
Odd!
As much as she was very curious to know why he had showed up, she kept silent but, then he had stood up, making Natalie lose all concentration. He walked past her to the back of the class.
She had sighed and gone back to rehearsing the lines until she heard his nearing footsteps. His steps to her table had been slow, as his fingers tapped the wood.

"What's up?" Natalie asked and looked up to Ethan who kept looking around the room. He stayed quiet and kept standing right there for almost five seconds then swiftly walked out of the room. Natalie's mind couldn't understand his demeanor. When Mr. Hobbs had showed up, she had placed the thoughts at the back of her mind and concentrated but when her class had ended, he had come back in with the others. He had taken his seat and called Ramh who kept him laughing for the whole period. He did not look her way for even a moment. It was this erratic behavior that plagued Natalie's mind, leaving her grappling with feelings she tried desperately to suppress, and she knew she was in denial. She had long convinced herself that she wasn't deeply interested in Ethan beyond a mere crush. Yet, when Ethan's mixed signals came into play, her resolve wavered. His glances held a hint of something more, and his voice carried an undertone of affection that made her heart race. Each of these moments was like a puzzle piece that she tried to fit into her pre-formed picture of Ethan not having interest for her, only to find that they didn't quite belong. At times, Natalie would convince herself that she was being unreasonable. Perhaps she was just overreacting. She frequently told herself that Ethan was likely just letting her down slowly or that his behavior was a product of his own unresolved emotions, not necessarily a reflection of his feelings towards her.

When Ethan had showed up unexpectedly in the library that very week, carrying some books and papers for Mr. Hobbs, Natalie had found herself elated although his presence brought with it a warmth that she tried to ignore. She had been at one of the tables, stapling some papers together that she had compiled for reference later, where she watched them from. Natalie had found herself a bit daring this time round. She fancied to see how far she could get with teasing him_ just a bit. The thought had made her giggle just enough for him to be intrigued and he had looked her way. Feeling his gaze on her, she had looked back at him with a smirk which turned into a sly smile.

What was she up to?
When Ethan was caught unaware, he didn't know how to react when she whipped her head to the side and chuckled. He tilted his head and kept watching her. Natalie then collected a couple of papers, aligned them on the table altogether, let out a soft cough and had shot her eyes back at him. He had cleared his throat and turned back to Mr. Hobbs who was looking through some shelves. Natalie was almost hollering, she stooped her head below the table and tried to hold in a million giggles, wiping away tears at the corners of her eyes. Then when she had heard footsteps approaching, bolted up from below and had hurried to get back to stapling. Ethan walked up to the table she was at, papers in hand. Her stomach was in knots, and she had gotten nervous. Ethan hadn't made eye contact and neither was he smiling. Also, the stern look on his face was concerning. He had reached her table, placed the papers down, leaned against the table in front of hers, arms supporting him from behind, he stood there and said nothing. He just stared down at her with a seriousness Natalie dreaded to address. Suddenly, the room had become too hot for Natalie and she had held her breath on repeat, spiraling down internally, screaming all the way. Then he bent forward to her face, almost blocking her entire view. She could draw out his creased brow, the bridge of his nose and lips. His eyes moved from her big brown eyes and his gaze lowered to her lips. The intensity from the close proximity had affected Natalie's nerves. When he had shot his eyes back to hers, he had gone on to whisper,
"can I have the stapler?"

Natalie's lips remained shut so he added a 'please' to it and Natalie jolted. She had quickly held out the stapler to him and he had hesitated for a second, watching her then sitting up to get it. He had reached out and held the stapler, together with Natalie's hand that was still holding it and his body heat infected her skin.
The impact had left her in shock, quietly looking up at a boy who seemed oblivious to what he was doing until he had smirked and Natalie's jaw had dropped.
He friggin' knew what he was doing.
She blushed uncontrollably when he finally walked away from her table.

Elise had marveled at this piece of information.
"What if he wants to make a move but your sour attitude towards him is the problem".

"Sour? Besides, I can't be too reckless with my feelings. Natalie defended herself. "Hey Elise, what's with that face?"

Elise's eyes were squinted as she munched on her salad and had asked with seriousness, "would you say yes to him if he made a move on you?"

The intensity behind her eyes had threatened Natalie. The question itself had made Natalie quiver.
"I don't know"

Natalie would often replay their interactions in her mind, searching for clarity in his actions. The problem was that there was no clear pattern, no definitive moment where everything made sense. Instead, there were fragments of moments that seemed to hint at something more but were quickly overshadowed by his next act of emotional detachment. As the rain continued to fall outside, Natalie sipped her tea and looked at the world through a veil of uncertainty. Her emotions were tangled and complex, a web of affection, confusion, and denial. In her heart, Natalie knew that until she confronted him alone, she would remain in this state of emotional limbo.
•••

🌷🌷🌷