Dainty and Dauntless

Solitude:

Love and a girl... two unacquainted besties.

                                                  🌷🌷🌷

The night was windy, carrying dry air off to wherever. The sky was clear, stretched out over the town. The stars, tiny yet demanding of attention twinkled gently. Natalie gave out a sigh. This night was so calm. She couldn't help but get enveloped in its coziness. She had missed nights like these. Back in high school she would always stare at the vast sky before going to bed. The winds were dry, sometimes wet, and so calming. She would sigh out all her unsaid pains. On nights they were said, she always needed tissue but always found herself without one. So, she let the tears flow, down to her cheek and meet at the chin only to give in to gravity. She didn't blink, all that mattered was the beauty of the sky, her heart and the pain seeping out due to regret. Her conscience was beaming with pride but herself, shrinking. On those nights when she tasted her salty tears, she asked... why?

She asked repeatedly, slowly burrowing deeper into the center of her agony. It was a bottomless pit. On better nights she would look around at the lights that illuminated from the distant houses. They were peaceful, blending in so well with the quiet of the night. It felt like she was visiting each household and peeking at their serenity. She looked at them through her dorm window, the only portal that drifted her away from all the high school drama. She avoided drama, the loud came with issues she never wished to indulge in. Out there, beyond the dorm window she would picture, a family was talking over dinner, with a side of light hearty conversation and witty laughter. She had missed home then. For some, they were sound asleep, getting their daily rest or just on the brink of slumber. Perhaps glued to the television, binge watching their favorite show and some, maybe talking on the phone, two hours and counting.

Sheesh, she had thought, ten minutes was an achievement for her. She only managed an hour with Elise.

In the dead of night, she adored the thought of two people making love, tangled in sheets, entrusting their vulnerability in each other's gaze, the hot breath exchanged and sounds synced to perfection. What trust it took! She did blush a bit.
Then she couldn't help think of the possible pain taking place out somewhere. Instilling pain and receiving pain on such beautiful nights saddened her. Her heart sank as her eyes scanned around, did someone need help? She noticed nothing. The calm wind floating by came with no voice either and she always felt relieved. With that she would say a prayer, for peace, security and hope to any one that needed it.

May their most silent of the loudest, deepest and desperate requests be fulfilled.

Those nights made her feel contentment, for a while. These nights before her, they were different. The view of lights was now refocused into one of a wall, in her room where she spent most of her time. She only got to see the night sky when she was outside the house and made sure to give it a passing glance, she still loved it.
Home was the new normal and it was not very exciting. During day she did the chores and in the night, drained the phone battery. Exhausting!
College life had been so much better, with lots of green, the fresh breeze and of course the endless bustle of students, all these had made an effort to brighten her moods and view life with refreshing beauty. As she sat in bed, she sighed and reached out for her phone, deciding to finally take a look.
The notifications made her gasp, folks seemed extra active on this day, unlike her. Going through her contact's stories had to be her worst hobby recently but curiosity always got the better of her. With one click, the usual pang of envy hit home, refreshing her scar of guilt. She had made peace with the fact that her 'usual' day was non-existent, in fact despised by her age group. She scrolled on, looking for any that had updates from the 'Class reunion'.

"Awww", she cried, "these cuties"

A selfie of Elise and Garf, cheek-to-cheek with scrunched up noses made her light up. She loved them both. Elise had attended the reunion, along with Garf and according to her, the turn up was good and very interesting. She had wished Natalie had agreed to come but Natalie had had no pleasure to revisit the "good days", not with someone in particular around. She nodded off the thought of him, it wasn't worth it.

By the way your guy showed up. Here, take a look. Elise had texted and sent her an image.

Natalie hesitated for a minute before clicking on the image, and her heart beat faster as it loaded. Refraining from matters concerning high school was her goal regardless of her curiosity at the moment, she would blame herself later for always putting herself through panic and anxiety.
It really looked like she intended it. The pic finally cleared up to reveal three people, all boys; to the right was Illai, Garf was in the center and to the left was "her guy" who looked the same as months ago, maybe a bit better with that huge smile plastered on his face. She hadn't intended to stare for how long she did actually stare, but God did she stare!

He honestly looks good in anything, she thought, reluctantly chewing on her bottom lip.

When she zoomed in, she got a clearer view of his face and his smile, the way his tooth gap showed at the right corner of his smile, she wanted to frame him so bad, the dumb ideas kept on coming. She couldn't stop thinking of how that moment came to be and how his eyes seemed to be addressing her soul. As she lay on her pillow, still staring, she hated this feeling that she could only get a picture of him for herself. The same old feeling ensued and she tried to suppress it hard until her eyes became teary. She bit into her pillow and screamed in it, becoming breathless.

Was the universe really that cruel to her? Was this cycle never going to end?

All she has ever wanted was this man staring back at her, giving proof that he could be the happiest without her, clueless about the damage he was doing to her. She inhaled and breathed out the most painful sigh from her lungs. Natalie shut her phone and lay in silence.

Of all nights, these nights crushed her the most.
Her pen scratched across a fresh page in her diary;

How do you live with yourself when you failed at your life's purpose?! The heavens ask in fury.
And what am I to reply back, hopelessness is marked all over my existence.
I lost, I can't believe I actually lost.
Why did I hold back? Was I not brazen enough?
The universe now knows about it and It sweeps away all paths I was meant to walk with you.
You were meant to be mine, mine and only mine.
I am a failure!
But failures don't get to yell.
We sulk.
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                                         🌷🌷🌷