Sinclair Secrets

Chapter 11: The Memories

"You know why I love sunrises?" he softly asked.

Tahimik lang akong nakikinig sa kanya. His voice is so calm and gentle.

"It reminds me to keep holding on 'coz no matter how dark the nights are, there will always be light after..." he sounded so wistful, "A new morning... for a new hope."

Natahimik ako.

Alam ko kung anong pinaparating niya. That I should be strong and just see the lights... Pero hindi. Madali sabihin pero mahirap. Kasi di naman nila alam yung nararamdaman ko.

Hindi naman nila alam yung pagsisisi sa puso ko.

"I-f I could turn back time..." I said with my cracked voice, "I'd go back to that moment and just say [I wiped my tears] - 'No, you don't have to'. Kung sana sinabi ko lang yun... kung sana di ako nagpakaselfish...this wouldn't have happened."

I felt his eyes on me.

"You-all keep t-telling me this is God's w-will. Lahat ng nang-yay-yari sa buhay natin we-take it all to God. Ilang bilyong tao ba nabubuhay sa mundo na kailangan niya bantayan? Ilang bilyong tao ba sa mundo ang kailangan niyang alagaan...Ilang bilyong destiny ba ng mga tao ang kailangan niya buuin?" Umiiyak na talaga ako.

"Ellah..."

"Maybe G-God was so busy granting so-o many wishes during that time na hindi niya na nap-ansin na nagKAmali ako. Hindi niya na napansin na Hindi pala dapat pinauwi ko si Daddy. Na Hindi pala dapat siya manonood sakin... maybe- natuwa lang si God sakin kasi sobrang saya ko nun at ayaw niya nang lumungkot pa ako kaya nakalimutan niyang hindi pala dapat. Mayb-e God never really wanted it to happen! Maybe it wasn't really His will. Maybe...maybe it was really my fault..." Di ko na napigilan pa yung nararamdaman ko.

"Ellah...," I suddenly felt his hand on both my shoulders,"don't blame yourself. It was not your fault. It will never be your fault! Hindi Niya hahayaang mangyari yun kung 'di yun nakatakda Ellah. It was meant to happen."

Hachico was suddenly on his feet, looking at us with his head cocked on one side.

I shook my head. "You don't un-derstand." I raised my eyes at him, titig na titig lang siya sakin.

He looked troubled.

"You don't understand." I said again.

His grayish eyes turned hard. "You're blaming yourself. That, I could understand." He said firmly.

I faked a smile. "'Coz that's the truth. It was my fault,"sobrang hina lang nang boses ko pero alam ko narining niya.

"Ellah, it was not your fault."

"Hindi mo lang alam kaya nasasabi mo yan. I feel so guilty. Sobrang nagiguilty ako. Kasi alam ko kahit di sabihin nila mommy... alam ko it was because of me," I smiled bitterly. "Dahil sa'kin kaya nangyari yun sa kanya. You wouldn't understand."

He looked sad.

"They're your family Ellah... The last thing they would think is blame you for something you never did. You could blame those terrorists but don't blame yourself coz it was never your fault. And in this time, with you thinking and acting like that, I really think you're being unfair to them."

I looked at him, tears flowing down my cheeks.

He was kneeling there, looking strainght into my eyes.

Napayuko ako.

He gently wiped my tears and cupped my face with his palms, willing me to look at him.

"Listen to me..." mahina lang yung boses niya pero madiin. "Life is something you can never foretell. We'll never know exactly what'll happen the next day. In life, there are only two things that's constant: Changes and Death. Death is every human's faith Ellah. It'll come for us even in the most unexpected time in the most unexpected place. A meterorite might come, fall and crush me right here, right now. We'll never know. We can only believe in God. Believe in His plans. Believe that however painful it may be, it has a purpose. We just have to trust Him. 'Coz only He knows. God would never make a mistake Ella. Remember that."