Sinclair Secrets

Chapter 15: The Parting

Pareho kaming nakasandal sa hood ng kotse habang tahimik na nakatanaw sa siyudad sa ibaba. Nandito kami ngayon sa hilltop. The same spot we've always ran to to unwind some days.

Malapit nang magtakip-silim kaya unti-unti nang nagsisilabasan ang mga ilaw.

Sa haba nang binyahe namin papunta dito, nakapagisip-isip din ako. Parang bombilyang biglang lumiwanag para sakin ang lahat.

I glanced at him. 

.......
'"Pwede bang... humingi ng pabor?"

"A-nong pabor?" nag-aalangang tanong ko.

He looked at me sidewards, his eyes dark. "Pwede bang... 'wag mo na munang itanong?"'
....

I sighed.

"What happened to our friendship, Vaughn?" I asked quietly. "You've been drifting apart for months now without even an explanation and I don't know where I stand in your life anymore."

Napatingin siya sa 'kin.

I looked at him and smiled, sadly. "You won't go with us... you won't speak with us for months on end and now you're lying to me." 

He looked away and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Ellah..."

"It feels like I'm losing you." 

Kumunot yung noo niya na parang naguguluhan. Saka napalitan ng lungkot yung mga mata niya. "Ellah... it's just that I have a lot of things going on in my life right now."

"Friends are supposed to help each other during difficult circumstances,  Vaughn," mahinang sabi ko habang nakatitig sa mga mata niya. "It shouldn't stop it. Friends aren't there only for convenience."

Silence. 

He went still for a moment. "It's a different circumstance, Ellah. Something I can't share with you or the gang right now. It's just better that way," mahinang sabi niya. Malamlam ang mga mata niyang nakatitig sa akin.

I smiled bitterly and turned again to the darkening city. The last reddish glow of the sunset reflected on us. I felt so sad and hurt.. and numb all at the same time. It's crazy.

"You were there for me when I needed someone," mahinang sabi ko na nangingilid na ang luha. "You held me through my darkest times. All I want is to be there for you the same way. You're one of my best friends, Vaughn. And it hurts that everything is not how it used to be anymore. You're not there with me anymore."

Lumapit siya sa akin at hinawakan ang mga kamay ko. "Ellah... It's not what you think. I just have to deal with things on my own right now. I can't get you involved in it."

Hurt washed over me and I slowly pulled my hand away. "But Tasha can. You've been with her all these time."

"Ellah, please... don't be like this. It's different with Tasha. She's... I'm counting on her right now. it's a complicated story," mahinang sabi niyang tila nahihirapan. "I know I can't make you understand for now but please..."

I looked at the reddish horizon. "We've been best of friends for seven years now, Vaughn. And never did you keep a secret from me, not even lied...until now. Then I realized, hindi ka naman talaga makwentong tao eh. Kaya di na din ako sure kung wala ka nga ba talagang sinekreto sakin. Narealize ko din, all those years it has always been about me. My secrets, my problems and my stories. I couldn't even remember the last time we talked about you or your life or your secrets. Did we even talk about the things that matter to you?" mahinang sabi ko saka makahulugang tiningnan siya. 

"Ellah-" he protested but I stopped him.

"Please let me finish. Vaughn, seven years is long. All those years you've been really good to me. Friendship shouldn't be forced, right? If you don't wanna be with us then it's fine. Just please don't treat us so poorly because I can't take it. It hurts. I keep asking myself where I went wrong or what I did for you to do that to me," I whispered because if I raise my voice any more, I'm gonna cry.

He looked taken aback. "You did not do anything wrong, Ellah. Please don't be like this."

Napatingin ako sa malayo. My heart feels like it's breaking in pieces pero ayokong umiyak. "All this time, I thought we both consider ourselves best friends," I heard myself whisper. "Sa haba ba naman ng pinagdaanan natin 'di ba? Pero narealize ko, ni minsan noon never ka nagconfide sakin. Kahit ilang beses kong itanong. Alam mo ba kung anong naramdaman ko nung marinig ko kayo ni Tasha? Nung malaman kong alam niya lahat tungkol sa'yo? And that you were more than willing to share everything to her. Nasaktan ako, Vaughn. Naawa ako sa sarili ko. Nahiya ako na kinailangan ko pang tumakbo palayo."

"Ellah-" I held him still again.

"No, please..I just need to let this out. Believe me hindi kita sinusumbatan kasi wala naman akong karapatan gawin yun," mahinang sambit ko habang nakatitig sa mga malungkot niyang mata. "You've been so good to me. You've been my angel in disguise, my knight in shining armor. You were there for me in my darkest days. You've been with me ever since. I've been possessive of you. What I failed to realize is that, you're just really a good person. And I was a damsel in distress before. Somebody you felt you had to protect. And you continue to carry on that responsibility because I had held unto you ever since then. That's just who you are. And I wanna thank you so much. Hindi mo lang alam kung gaano ako nagpapasalamat na nakilala kita. But, now I understand. You have your own life. I can't demand anything from you. Not even your attention. I'm sorry I've been difficult. I'm sorry I went out of line."

Bigla niya hinawi yung kamay ko saka ako niyakap nang mahigpit. "Hindi ganun yun! Ellah, God knows I care for you!" mariing sabi niya. "It's just that I can't... I can't please... Don't be like this. I can't bear to hear you talking like this."

"It's fine, Vaughn. You don't have to feel bad for me or still be there for me anymore. I won't ask more from you and you don't have to look after me. I'm not your responsibility," I said staring at his eyes.

He looked so hurt. "That's not fair, Ellah. Inaamin ko nagkamali ako these past few months. And I'm sorry. I was a jerk, I know. Pero wag naman ganito. I cared for you because I wanted to. Because you mean a lot to me. So, please don't take that away from me."

I just smiled at sadly at him. "You're a really good person, Vaughn." Kumalas ako sa yakap niya saka marahang hinawakan ang pisngi niya. 

He closed his eyes and leaned into my touch.

Sumilay naman ang isang malungkot na ngiti sa mga labi ko. He opened his eyes and stared at me like he was debating on something. 

"You will always be my best friend even if I'm not yours," bulong ko kahit parang pakiramdam nadudurog ang puso ko. "And if ever, maybe, if you'll ever need me someday, know that I'll always be there for you like how you were there for me. You can always count on me, Vaugn."

His eyes were red and restless. "Ellah, why are you saying things like that? Times are just hard right now and it's just too much for me," Nagsusumamong sabi nito. "I'm sorry if I've neglected you and everyone but please understand me for now. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. I'm trying to do my best."

Nginitian ko lang siya. Kakalas na sana ako but he pulled my waist again and buried his face on my hair. "Don't be mad at me, please."

"I'm not," I whispered saka dahan-dahang kumalas sa yakap niya.

'I'm just sad,' my heart said.

"Ellah..." narining kong tawag niya pero pumasok na ako sa sasakyan.

Totoo yung sinabi kong he will always be my bestfriend and that I will always be there for him. But the fact still remains na hindi naman talaga ako yung best friend niya. Napatingin ako sa labas ng bintana. At least, not the first.

Kanina ko lang napagtagpi-tagpi ang lahat. ... yung bulung-bulongan sa school noon.

Kaya pala galit na galit siya sakin. Kasi inagaw ko yung kaisa-isang taong alam kong nakakaintindi sa kanya. Inagawan ko siya ng knight in shining armor. Inagawan ko ng bestfriend si Tasha.