The Fall - Book 2

211. ‍ ‍I just...I'm not very happy for me.

⚠️ TW: mention/implication of infertility ⚠️

MAY 20, 2020  — AVENGERS COMPOUND — NAT

When the knock sounds on my door, I glance at the clock.

'One-thirty...right on time.'

I make my way to the door and open it, stepping back to let Réa and Bucky enter my suite. The three of us settle onto my couch, with me at one end and the two of them at the other, with Réa closer to the center.

"So, are we discussing wedding stuff, or planning a surprise party for Steve? Your text was kind of vague."

"Neither," Réa replies. She inhales deeply, and Bucky softly rubs her back.

As I watch the pair, I suddenly have an idea of why they're here, but I know better than to assume.

"I—we—wanted to talk with you because we have some news to share, and we wanted to tell you before any of the others. Well, except for Tony and Pepper. We told them yesterday...and we're actually going to be telling Steve this evening. Everyone else will find out at the rehearsal dinner." Réa pauses. "We understand that what we're about to share will more than likely bring up some things for you, and we would never ask you to keep anything from your partner, so we're alright with you sharing with Bruce."

She draws in another deep breath. "We're pregnant."

Multiple emotions slam into me simultaneously: joy and excitement for my best friend and her fiancé, along with longing and sadness for myself. I know I can process the sadness once they leave, so I lean into the excitement.

"That's wonderful!" I exclaim, moving closer to Réa and wrapping her in a hug. "I'm so happy for you both!" I give them both a bright smile. "You're going to be amazing parents...and obviously, Auntie Nat is going to totally spoil the little one!"

Réa gives me a soft smile, and the understanding look in her eyes lets me know that she's aware of my simultaneous feelings. She wraps me in a hug, and I can feel her support and love radiating through the embrace. She lets me be the one to pull back from the hold, then Bucky speaks.

"Thank you for the well-wishes. We'll give you some time." He rises from my couch and holds his hand out to Réa, helping her stand.

The two of them leave my suite, and I collapse back against the plush couch cushions, letting all of my emotions loose.

Tears fill my eyes and track down my cheeks, because even though I'm so incredibly excited for Réa and Bucky, I'm sad for me. It's not like I've never felt this mixture of emotions before...when Laura was pregnant with all three of her and Clint's kids, and when Pepper was pregnant with Morgan, I felt the same. And I know that after a good cry, I'll move past the sadness and longing—aside from an occasional 'what if?'—and be able to fully embrace the happiness and excitement.

I also know that it's okay if I have to have more than one good cry...I know that my feelings about this can change suddenly and randomly, and I know how to process them when that occurs. I do appreciate Réa and Bucky giving me the go-ahead to speak with Bruce about this; I know that this might bring up some feelings for him, too. While it's been several years since he and I had the 'neither of us can have children' conversation, I know that he's like me: he has moments of 'what if?'. Knowing that we can lean on each other, and can help one another deal with the feelings this topic brings up, helps some; it doesn't make the feelings any less, it just makes it feel less-daunting, knowing that we both have someone who understands to process with.

I'm still on the couch when Bruce returns from the lab.

"Hi, honey," he says as he leans down for a kiss. Stopping midway, he takes in my expression and a small crease forms between his brows. "What's wrong?"

"Réa and Bucky are pregnant," I reply, just ripping the metaphorical Band-Aid off in one go.

"Oh." He clears his throat as he moves around the couch to sit beside me. "That's wonderful for them...and I'm guessing it doesn't feel wonderful for you?"

"It does and it doesn't. I'm really happy for them...I truly am. I just...I'm not very happy for me," I choke out as I begin to cry again.

Bruce wraps me in his arms, holding me close as the emotion runs its course; when my tears eventually subside, I feel him press a soft kiss to the top of my head.

"Why don't we have dinner in here tonight? We can put on our pajamas and order food and watch that reality show you like, and turn in early. How does that sound?"

"Really good, actually," I reply. "Thank you, Bruce."

"Of course, Nat."

We sit together quietly for a little while before following through with his plan for the evening.