The Fall - Book 2

239. You mean, I'll have to spend my time with you?

SEPTEMBER 26, 2020 — THE BARNES HOUSE — RÉA

I glance at the clock on my nightstand, even though I already know it's just past three in the morning.

Conall finally settled about half an hour ago; I'm thirty weeks and three days along today, and since week twenty-eight, I've been able to feel every movement. When we had our twenty-five-week scan with Doctor Lawrence, she told us that Conall is measuring ahead: at that point, she said he looked closer to thirty weeks. She also told us not to be surprised if he showed up early, commenting that 'due dates aren't exact: babies tend to show up when they want to' and that it was likely we'd have a November baby instead of a December baby.

Given that information, Pepper, Wanda, Nat, and Caroline had moved the baby shower forward, to make sure that Bucky and I would still have plenty of time between it and Conall's arrival. That's the reason I'm still awake, even though Conall has finally drifted off: the shower is today, and I'm too excited about celebrating my and Bucky's child to sleep.

Beside me, my husband lets out a quiet murmur. I turn my head to look at him, smiling softly when I find him sound asleep. His breathing is deep and even, and there's a peaceful, beatific smile curving his lips; rolling from my left side to my right, I watch him as he sleeps, letting my mind drift back to seven weeks ago.

"I'm home, Réa," Bucky calls.

"In here," I reply.

I'm curled up on the couch in the den, reading a book that Nat loaned me—Undead and Unwed—when Bucky enters the room. I slip my bookmark into the novel and set it aside, looking up at my husband. I'm surprised to see that, in addition to the expected sadness and seriousness in his eyes, there also appears to be relief...and something that looks an awful lot like acceptance.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask as he settles onto the centre cushion next to me, straightening my legs and pulling my sock-clad feet into his lap, resting his hands on my shins.

"I do, yeah." He stares at his hands for a few moments, then turns his head to meet my gaze. "I told Doctor Raynor about the memory, and that prompted a whole discussion about the Winter Soldier. And I had a few realisations...and an epiphany."

He relays to me his entire discussion with Doctor Raynor; when he finishes, I'm completely in awe of all he accomplished during his session.

"I am really, really proud of you, Bucky. Being willing to admit that the Winter Soldier was just as much a pawn as you were, and being willing to forgive him...those are tremendous accomplishments. And I know that it wasn't easy for you to reach those realisations...again, I am really proud of you."

"I told you...you helped." His eyes go soft as he gives me a tiny half-smile; after a moment, his smile fades—though his eyes still hold that soft look—and he speaks again. "Why didn't you ever correct me? About that night, after the welcome party...when I told you that I put up a wall, because I didn't want you to see the Winter Solider, not when all you'd ever seen was me?"

"Bucky...even when the Winter Soldier was at the forefront, I've only ever seen you...I've only ever felt you." I watch his brow furrow in puzzlement, and I elaborate. "I guess the best way to explain it is this: meeting you, like that, was like standing inside and looking out through a window at night. You can see everything outside, but you can also yourself reflected in the glass...kind of like an overlay. To me, that's exactly what the Winter Soldier was: an overlay. So, yes, while I had glimpses of him, like I said: I only ever saw you." I reach up and cup his face, looking deeply into his steel blue eyes. "It's always been you, Bucky."