The Fall - Book 2

238. The Winter Soldier

⚠️  TW: mention of shooting; mention of death; mention of brainwashing/mind control; mention of torture; mention of abuse; mention of SA  ⚠️

AUGUST 6, 2020 — NEW YORK — BUCKY

"So, James," Doctor Raynor begins our session the same way she always does, "what would you like to discuss today?"

I'm quiet, gathering my thoughts, trying to figure out where to start.

There was a time that, when I was silent—or any other time she thought I was being uncooperative—Doctor Raynor would grab her notebook and click her pen in a passive-aggressive manner; at this point, we've been working together long enough for her to know the difference between me being quiet because I'm thinking and me being quiet because I'm trying to wait out the hour. I'm glad she's learned, because I definitely would not handle the 'notebook thing' well today.

"I..." I sigh heavily. "I remembered something. On Tuesday. And it...it blindsided me."

Doctor Raynor nods in acknowledgement, and waits for me to elaborate.

"It wasn't about...about any of the torture, or the abuse, or the assaults. It was just...I told Réa that it was just a 'regular'," I make air quotes, "day as the Winter Soldier." I again let out a heavy sigh. "It was just before the Insight helicarriers were set to launch—I told Réa that I thought it was the day before, but now that I've had time to think about it, it might have been two—when Pierce set Nat and Steve as my targets. We were sitting at his kitchen table, and his housekeeper—Renata, her name was Renata—came back into the room because she forgot her phone. And Pierce picked up my gun from the table and shot her, twice."

I clear my throat.

"And yeah, it was horrible, but the main reason I'm upset is that I...that I thought I'd remembered everything. But I asked my wife if she wanted a glass of milk—'Want some milk?', which is exactly how Pierce asked me the same question that evening when he saw me at his kitchen table—and that just flooded into my mind...."

I trail off, then repeat the words I said to Réa on Tuesday. "Which means there's stuff I still don't remember. I...what if I never remember? How am I supposed to make amends if I can't remember everyone I'm supposed to make amends to?" My voice catches slightly as I continue. "And you know I've been working on my list...for making those amends...but if...if I haven't remembered everything, how can I...how can I be sure that that list is even right?" I voice aloud one of the fears that's been nagging at me since Tuesday.

Doctor Raynor watches me intently; when I don't speak again, she does.

"Well, James, I suppose you could look through those files you told me that Réa...acquired. You said she told you that she put everything into folders so that it would be easier to sift through the information if you ever choose to do so, which—based on what I know about her, through what you've shared—I'm sure means that she's put all of the information about the assaults into their own folder, separate from the Winter Soldier's missions. As such, I would think it extremely unlikely that you'd have to even look at those while trying to find a list of the Winter Soldier's targets." She pauses. "And, given what you've told me about Siberia, and the circumstances surrounding that whole...incident...with Tony regarding what happened to his parents, I think it's obvious that there is a fairly comprehensive record of those targets. If you feel like you can't be sure your list is right, then you have information available to," she hesitates briefly, "fact-check, if you will."