Hung by chains

18. Relativity of right and wrong

Vexx went back to his room after the scandal with a tight knot in his stomach. He crumbled to the floor after shutting the door and shielding him from spying eyes, feeling light headed and breathing heavily. His hand gripped his over-sized shirt as to anchor him to reality, being carried away by his agitated breathing.

He was doing it: he was actually betraying all he ever knew for a single, unsure glimpse of what he had always longed for. Not to mention the odd feelings that resurfaced from years ago. Something other than hatred and jealousy that he had yet to comprehend. It always intensified with Kasvald around, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. It hurt in his chest and had him feeling like he was walking on egg shells with the red headed idiot. In the beginning, when they first met, they both weren’t enemies. They even didn’t despise each other.

What went wrong all those years ago?

What led him to becoming the sour and bitter person he is today?

Why was he doing any of this?

Why couldn’t he remember any of the answers to these questions?

These were all inquiries that plagued his mind constantly, tortuously. Guilt gnawed at him permanently. Reproaches from the past punished him every single day. There was not a single moment where he was at peace.

“And I thought I was sensitive…” sighed someone.

“You’re crying again, Vexx.”

The black-haired man lifted his head at the voice. He gently pat his face with the tip of his fingers to discover a trace of tears with a knot in his voice. He then realized the origin of this remark: There was only one asshole who had such a deep and breathy voice.

“What else do you want from me, Sutton?” Vexx asked, messily wiping his tears with the back of his hand. He snapped his head away to his face from the man, trying to save what little of his strong image was left of him. “We’re expected to be perfect in every single way, shape, and form, and it is somehow still not enough: there’s always something I lack, something that goes wrong… I’m never enough.”

Kasvald’s gaze softens at this ever so slightly. Even after all these years, Vexx still couldn’t help but open up to him. When Hakashim first took them in, he had always been supportive of everyone around him: his older and younger brothers, his comrades, and especially Vexx. Carrying the weight of an entire legacy wasn’t easy on the spirit and mind, especially for kids as young as they were.

“Hey, it’s okay; you don’t have to be enough for her… you’re enough for a bunch of other people. “Being enough” is pretty relative, and depends who you want to please.”

Vexx slightly looked up at Kasvald curiously while he kneeled in front of him.

“Shit, would you be trying to be enough for me, I would’ve told you a thousand times over that you were more than capable:” Explained the red head. “You’re dedicated, smart, strong and independent… Sometimes, excessively so, resulting in you feeling incredibly lonely.”

Vexx’s eyes shot open at Kasvald’s words. He looked up at the man, then at the hand Kasvald extended for him to take.

“You aren’t alone…” Pronounced Kasvald reassuringly. He looked into Vexx’s eyes, trying to be grounded so that the other could hold onto reality in some way. “…you just have to…”

“…Trust me-”

Vexx slapped Kasvald’s hand away.

“Listen, I don’t know just who you think you are, or who you think I am, but I’m not some DIY project for you to fix.” He hissed, incorporating himself. “I don’t need your fucking pity, you can keep it for the actually weak people. ”

“I know that you have some sort of confidence issue that makes you believe that the more people you “fix”, the better you are, but I don’t want to be another trophy that you just put on display to gather dust once you win, never to be used again and a simple bragging right. And let me tell you something:” The shorter one said, getting dangerously close to the taller one’s face.

“That only makes you just as pathetic and useless as that older brother of yours, the one who messed up the last Gursif.” Spat Vexx.

These last words got to Kasvald, but didn’t enrage him. They hurt. Deeply: Vexx knew about Esvidaijah’s death, and how it had completely rendered the red head useless to Hakashim, how he felt like a complete nuisance to the rest of his comrades all the time because of the things he saw by mistake and the impact they had on him.

Kasvald’s gaze dropped to the ground, a single tear dripping down his cheek.

Vexx realized what he said and recognized he went too far, even for him. He backed away slightly and left Kasvald the room to get up. He looked away, ashamed of what he said.

“I’m sorry… I-I don’t know what I was thinking, I-!”

“You said you didn’t want my pity, right?” Kasvald interrupted, still not looking at Vexx.

Vexx’s eyes widened, tears forming at their corners.

“I’ll keep it to myself then” He sighed as he left, leaving Vexx to be swallowed by the consequences of his own actions.

As the door shut, Vexx fell onto his knees and to the ground. His gaze was still fixed to the recently closed door.

As a pathetic silence cloaked the room, Vexx’s breathing only tightened the knot in his throat.

Why the fuck would he say something so heartless to someone who just wanted to help? Someone who extended their hand and tried to give him hope?

And to Kasvald of all people…

The man who, Vexx had just understood... he had developed feelings for over the years.

Just how pathetic was that?

He just took advantage of a sensitive information about him, a man kind beyond compare in his situation, and thrown it in his face as raw and bloody as could’ve been.

Just how miserable and unjust was that?

How hypocritical, especially for someone who craved so called "justice".

Maybe… maybe he should just let every human escape… not for him to be favored, but to set Kasvald free.

For he had the most human heart out of all of the monsters in this house.

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Vexx is feeling conflicted and lonely, (just like me as I'm writing this) but is he the victim or the perpetrator? Perhaps maybe both. This book greatly takes inspiration on how perspective changes our views and alters our realities, so maybe all one has to do is change the direction from which one is looking from to better understand things.

I'm Toasted Beanz, and this was chapter 18: Relativity of right and wrong.

Thank you for reading, and have an amazing day :)