Mistakes (Rewrite)

Chapter 19

Buck got home and just collapsed onto his bed. He wanted to close his eyes and not wake up. Not only did Caleb remind him of Eddie, Buck could tell Caleb meant it just as much as Eddie had. He didn't want to think about everything that had happened, for the fact it just stung, and for the fact he had lost his best friend.

Again.

He layed in bed for what felt like days but was only a few hours. His head was pounding and his eyes were dry from the fact he was just staring at his wall. He decided to sit up and change into something comfortable. It felt like his blood clots all over again. Not because he was in any physical pain, but because he didn't want to get out of bed.

"There isn't any point. I just lost the only person here that cared about me." He said, thinking out loud as he curled back up into his bed. He knew checking his phone would be the death of him, but he checked it anyways.

There were several missed calls from Caleb, one missed call from Maddie and 10 messages from Caleb. Buck decided to click on the messages from Caleb.

'Buck, can we talk? I didn't mean what I said earlier.'

'Please answer. I want to talk about this. Please.'

'God damn it buck, why aren't you responding? I'm sorry, I really am. I want to talk to you in person.'

'Evan please?'

'I am starting to worry. Answer me.'

There were other messages Buck didn't care to read. Buck was wiping tears from his eyes. Buck was just blankly staring at the messages before another popped up.

'I can see you've read these messages Evan. Just send me a response. Please.'

'What do you want me to say to you Caleb?' Buck responded. He knew responding was going to cause more issues but he felt bad.

'I just wanted you to respond. Can I come over? I really do want to talk this out. You are my bestfriend and you mean everything to me.' Caleb responded within seconds.

'I don't want to look at you right now Caleb. Why would you say that? Was it a spur of the moment thing to upset me? Is that how you feel about me? If it is, this friendship isn't going to work out.' Buck sent another message.

'I am not doing this bullshit again.'

'I am sorry Buck. It was a spur of the moment, I was upset because it felt like maybe you weren't happy for me. I got scared.' Caleb responded. Buck's chest ached.

'Scared of what? That I was jealous of your new boyfriend?' Buck sent the message without really thinking.

'I am afraid that if I don't make time for him then he won't want to stay with me okay? And you getting upset about me always hanging out with him was frustrating because I know. I have been avoiding you Buck, and I am sorry. I really am.' The message took a few minutes to be typed out and sent. Buck would have just forgiven Caleb if he hadn't brought California into things.

'I can't forgive you Caleb. You said all that stuff just to upset me and I just... I don't get why you would say that to someone you care about.' As he typed the message he was thinking about Eddie, not Caleb. He was thinking about the things Eddie said simply to hurt his feelings.

He understood he had messed up. He tried to understand Eddie's anger, but he just couldn't. Not because he didn't understand Eddie, but because it felt like Eddie was the least affected by everything.

'I was angry Buck... You have to understand that.' As Buck read the message he heard Eddie's voice. Eddie would apologize, and Buck would forgive him. With time.

But this wasn't Eddie. This was Caleb. Buck had simply said he was upset about something and Caleb got mad. So why was Buck feeling guilty?

'I understand you were angry, but I am still allowed to be hurt.' Buck responded.

'You're right Evan. Text me when you think you can forgive me. Please.'

Buck closed the chat and stared at his phone. His home screen had been a photo of him and Caleb on a hike, and now Buck felt the need to change it. He changed his background to an old picture of him and Maddie, because despite having made amends with everyone else he felt the closest to her.

He remembered she had called earlier that day and he decided to call back. He was laying on his bed, looking at his popcorn ceiling. He hated the ceiling, mainly because when cleaning the fan above his bed he always managed to hit the ceiling just right and it would knock chunks onto his bed.

He was to busy thinking about that to hear that Maddie had answered his call and was trying to talk to him.

"Buck? Hello?" Maddie said, and finally, Buck realized.

"Oh, sorry I was thinking about my stupid ceiling." He responded, sitting up again.

"That is a weird thing to be thinking about if you ask me... Are you alright?" Buck could hear conversation in the background.

"Yeah, I am. What's up? Sorry for missing your call." Buck had grown accustomed to changing how his voice sounded to mask how he was feeling.

"I was going to see if you wanted to come visit. You can have the guest room. I haven't seen you in months and I miss you." Maddie spoke as she walked around.

"I would enjoy a visit. I am having a rough time." He responded.

"I thought you said you were alright?" She inquired.

"I lied." He sighed and layed back down on his bed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Buck could hear the motherly concern, something he had never gotten from his own mom.

"No, there isn't much of a story. But back to me visiting. When do you want me to come visit?" He changed the subject to not have to open up.

"Maybe next weekend?"

And with that, they discussed when Buck would be coming to see Maddie.

The day Buck was due to visit came a lot quicker than he had expected, and when he left, he left without telling anyone. During the week before he left he stopped volunteering at the shelter, and he started isolating a lot more.

He got to her house at about 8pm and after the drive he was exhausted. There wasn't much conversation to be had, Maddie was tired from work, Chim was at work still, and Buck just wanted to sleep.